101. Assertive Authentic Communication: How to Say What You Mean Without Losing Connection
Have you ever walked away from a conversation frustrated because you didn’t actually say what you meant?
Authentic communication isn’t about saying whatever comes naturally. It’s about aligning what you say externally with what you truly think, feel, want, value, and choose internally. Sometimes what feels “natural” is simply a communication pattern you’ve practiced for years, not what is actually most aligned with who you are.
In this episode, I walk you through the difference between passive, aggressive, and assertive communication, and why the goal isn’t to choose between clarity and connection. True assertive communication allows you to stay connected to yourself while staying connected to the other person. It means being willing to be known, express what matters to you, and remain curious about what matters to them too.
Tune in this week to learn how to recognize wishy-washy communication, stop making people guess what you mean, and practice the four steps of assertive authentic communication: align, express, connect, and hold. You’ll discover how to have more honest conversations, make clearer asks, and build the emotional capacity to stay grounded when tension appears.
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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why assertive communication can feel uncomfortable when you’ve spent years prioritizing harmony, softening your opinions, or waiting for others to read your mind.
The difference between authenticity and familiarity.
Why effective leadership communication requires both clarity and connection, not choosing one at the expense of the other.
How to recognize the difference between passive, aggressive, and assertive communication.
Why wishy-washy communication creates more work and confusion, while clarity builds trust.
How to communicate what you want, stay curious about the other person’s perspective, and hold yourself through moments of tension or disagreement.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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Episodes Related to Assertive Authentic Communication:
79. Why You Don’t Speak Up in Meetings at Work (& How to Finally Cross the Line)
96. Assertive Communication for Women Leaders: How to Speak with Conviction
98. Why High-Achieving Women Overexplain: From Convincing to Convicted
Full Episode Transcript:
Think about a conversation you've had recently where you walked away feeling frustrated. Did you actually say what you meant? Or did you say, maybe, I'm not sure, whatever you think, I could probably make that work? When what you actually meant was, no, I disagree. I want something different. I don't like that. How much work are you making other people do to figure out what you actually mean and what you actually want?
So many high achieving women that I coach want their minds to be read. They want people to read between the lines. I know, I've been there. I've wanted people to just read my mind. Because we often think softening creates connection, but sometimes it creates confusion. Do the people you lead actually know you? Do they know what you value, what you expect, what doesn't work for you, what you want, where you stand? That's where assertive communication begins. Not by being louder, not by being tougher, but by being willing to be known for what really matters to you.
Welcome to The Balanced Leader, hosted by Yann Dang, a Leadership and Life Coach with over 20 years of corporate experience. Drawing from her journey as a former global finance leader and second-generation immigrant, Yann understands the unique challenges women face in male-dominated workplaces.
Each episode offers insights on balancing masculine and feminine energies, mastering soft skills and building emotional intelligence. Join us to transform frustration into empowerment and unlock your authentic leadership potential.
Hey podcast listeners, welcome to today's episode. We are going to talk about assertive, authentic communication. I wanted to bring this up because often times when I talk to people about being more assertive, what comes up for them is that this doesn't feel authentic to me. This doesn't feel natural to me. I want people to read my mind. I don't want to be that direct with people. Or it doesn't actually come across that direct. People are more like, I'm not sure if I can say that. Like they'll actually ask me like, can I say that? And it'll be something that is pretty direct, pretty innocuous, but to them it holds a lot of emotional tension.
And here's what I want you to know about authenticity and what I mean by authenticity because I think that there's a huge misconception about being authentic. Authentic doesn't mean that it's natural. Authentic means it's aligned to you. If you've spent 20 years saying yes when you mean no, softening your opinion, over explaining, making sure everyone is okay, waiting to be asked, avoiding direct disagreement, then assertive communication may feel incredibly unnatural to you. That doesn't make it inauthentic. Sometimes what feels natural is simply what you've practiced for the longest time.
Often times people will say, you know, I used to be really shy. But that was just how they were. It wasn't like they were just always shy. It was just a pattern that they had for a long time that made them feel familiar, right? So what I want you to know is, is this actually not me or is it simply unfamiliar to me? Because there's a big difference. Learning how to speak authentically in alignment with what you want could be feeling very unnatural to you. But if it's aligned to what you want and what you value and has you showing up in the world more being you unapologetically saying things and asking for things, then it is authentic.
But it will feel uncomfortable and unnatural, right? Authenticity asks, does what I'm saying externally align with what I actually think, feel, want, value, and choose internally? That's the difference. It's a different from I'm just being myself. Because sometimes being yourself means repeating a communication pattern you learned when you were eight years old or three years old.
It was a learned pattern to be able to survive your family system, to be able to be easy going when maybe your mother and father were very strict, right? These might have been patterns. They're not you. They're not authentically you. They're just what has come up for you to survive or to succeed, but maybe it's not working for you anymore, right? Because I'm thinking it probably doesn't if you're listening to this podcast on assertive, authentic communication.
So let's dive into what I mean more by this and how you can practice this skill even when it's uncomfortable. And I think part of growth is like, hey, this is uncomfortable because I haven't done it before, but it also means I'm learning and growing. It's like going to the gym. It's like, oh, I'm sore. I'm like working some muscles I haven't worked forever. Something's working, right? I'm doing something I haven't been doing and that's working for me.
So, I want you to think about this because I think as women, we sometimes confuse clarity with connection and it has us wanting people to read our minds and not be direct, right? A lot of communication training emphasizes clarity. Say what you mean, be direct, make the ask. Great. But this is the nuance, right? Assertive communication isn't clarity at all costs. We are human beings and because we're communicating with another human being and leadership is relational. People want to feel in rapport with you. People want to understand you, right? So we need both. Clarity is I don't abandon myself. Connection is I don't abandon you.
But I think often times with women, we have learned to disconnect from ourselves in the name of socialization, in the name of helping other people feel comfortable before ourselves. Maybe we've seen our mothers do it. Maybe we've seen other people do it, other women do it, where we're taught to be nice and kind and not say what we really want versus being really clear and direct. But here's the nuance. Clarity without connection can become aggression. Being clear and direct can sometimes come across just very aggressive.
Although, I think a lot of women need to practice what this is for them because you won't really notice where you are. Sometimes I'm like, whoa, was that really aggressive? But then I have somebody else read it and they're like, no, that was just really direct. And I'm like, okay, cool. I'm learning how to speak with more clarity, with more directedness, and still be in rapport with people, right? And so, you know, this is a learning process.
But here's the other thing that women tend to do. Connection without clarity becomes wishy-washy. And I got to tell you, as a leader, I hate wishy-washy energy. I hate it when I'm talking to somebody and I'm like, hey, you want this? And they're like very wishy-washy. It like has me being like, okay, this isn't the person. Because if I'm offering you something and you're wishy-washy or you're not clear about what you want or don't want, for me in leadership, I'm like, I can't work with somebody who's not able to just tell me the truth, right?
Obviously, we have to be aware of cultural differences. I remember when I was working with folks in the Philippines. They were the shared services for our accounting team, and I was in Singapore. And listen, there was a big power dynamic. I was the leader and they were listening to my directions. And I would literally tell them, hey, I need you to say no to me. I need you to disagree with me. I need you to tell me if you can't do this, right? Because I've been burned. And I would tell them, listen, people want to say yes to me because you want to please your authority figure, but if you can't do it, if you really can't do it, just tell me the truth because now I can move forward.
That was me being assertive and authentic and communicating with both clarity and connection. I was telling them, listen, I know that you probably want to say yes to me because you were probably taught that you need to, you know, please your authority figures. But I am also telling you, you have permission to say no to me. You have permission to tell me the truth. I want to know the truth. No wishy-washy energy. I was just very clear with them. I actually want you to say no if you really can't do it. Now, if you can do it, say yes and get it done. I love that, right?
But this is what happens sometimes and I think this is super important to notice the difference between passive versus aggressive versus assertive. This is the nuance. This is, I think sometimes women are like, it's just so confusing. How are we supposed to be? But if you're shape shifting for other people and not conscious of what you're doing and your power in your tool belts, which I'm about to teach you.
This is these are going to be power tools in your tool belt to be able to go to school on yourself and say, whoa, that was way passive of me. What was I hiding? Whoa, that was really aggressive of me. What am I defending or controlling? Whoa, that's really assertive of me. I like that. It was direct. It was still in rapport. You know, I'm really clear on what I was saying. There was not a lot of wishy-washy energy and I was still in connection with them. I was still curious about them and what works for them.
So, let me tell you what passive is. Passive is, I lose myself to stay connected to you. This can happen in personal relationships as well. Sometimes my husband's super excited about something and I'm not, but I don't want to like, you know, not be excited with him. And then sometimes I'll say something. It'll probably be more wishy-washy. Like, oh, that sounds exciting, you know? But I'm I'm not really into it, right? And so what happens is we're actually, it's like a fake connection. Like he's excited. I'm not that excited, but I'm pretending to be. So it's actually not authentic.
So, here's what it sounds like when you are passive. Whatever you think is fine. Sure, I can make that work. It's really not a big deal. Except it is a big deal, right? You're prioritizing connection at the expense of clarity. Passive communication says, your truth matters more than mine. It basically says that they have more power because of the relationship you're trying to hold with them requires you to be more passive in yourself to be able to be in relationship with them in this way.
But actually that's the whole opposite of learning to have inner authority, because if you had inner authority, even if it's your boss saying something, your ability to be curious, your ability to ask questions, instead of just going with the passive like, oh, that's great when you really you're like, I don't know if that's great. I'd like to ask you more questions about that, right? That's you being more authentic. That's you leading with more of your inner authority. That's you being more conscious versus passive. So you've got to know when you're being passive.
And then aggressive, right? Listen, I always tell people, we are not here to be like aggressive, you know, controlling women. This is not what I teach people to do, right? I want you to know when you are being aggressive, it sounds like this. I lose connection with you to assert myself. It's like you or me. It's like we both can't exist. So it can sound just very direct, like, I'm not doing that. You need to change this. I've earned this and you need to give it to me. It's very entitled. It's very you versus me. And you're clear, but there's little room for the other person. Aggressive communication says, my truth matters more than yours.
And actually it comes up a lot of negotiation. I actually, I'm going to have a salary negotiation expert that is going to, actually he's a compensation expert. He will join us on the show. And one of the things he told me recently that he coaches people to say is that I hope we can make this work. And I was like, well, hoping, doesn't it seem so passive? And he was actually like, no, it's actually being assertive. I'm hoping that this will work. And I actually, you know, we were kind of unpacking that, but it's not aggressive. It's like saying to somebody like, hey, this is an incredible opportunity for both of us and I hope we can make this work. This is what I would need to make it work, right? So you're still saying you're hoping because you're not saying, I need you to make this happen. That's more convincing. That's controlling. And we'll tag in the convincing versus convicted energy into this podcast too, if you haven't listened to that.
But that's where aggression goes. Aggression is like, there's not room for you. There's just room for me. And there's going to be moments you might want to be aggressive. If you are being pushed against the wall by somebody who is like, you've got to do this, you've got to do this. They're coming at you. You might need to be more aggressive to basically counterbalance that emotion. But I want you to notice and I want you to actually consciously decide, I'm going to be more aggressive in this dance.
I'm not saying that passive, aggressive or being those things, if you're conscious of it and you're like, okay, I noticed that I was being passive or I'm consciously choosing to be passive in this moment. That's better than just doing it because it's a reflex or a reaction, right? If you're, you know, being like, listen, this is a hard no for me. But maybe this is somebody who has crossed your boundaries many times and you just want it to be clear and you can be aggressive because there's enough relationship.
So, I want you to know that there's a continuum. Passive, aggressive, and then there's assertive plus authentic communication. This is where we want you to be most of the time. But like I said, these are tools in your toolkit and you being able to use it consciously is what is most important. So assertive plus authentic, and I think this is for the women that are really scared of being too assertive and losing connection with people. This is the best of both worlds. I stay connected to myself while remaining connected to you. Here's what I think. Here's what I want. Here's what doesn't work for me. And what are you seeing? Tell me what's important to you. How does this impact what you're trying to accomplish? That's the difference. My truth matters, your truth matters, alignment matters, and we don't have to agree in order to stay in relationship, to stay in connection.
I know sometimes I share about my sort of dating experiences, but I remember having this really assertive, authentic conversation with this guy where I was like, listen, this isn't what I want. And I was just very clear. And he was like, can we have a discussion about it? And I was like, yeah. I think he did some growth work with the Hoffman Group and he was just really open to getting feedback and talking about it. It was very refreshing and disarming to be honest. It wasn't like he was just angry and being like, okay, fine, you don't want to date anymore. He was like really curious and we had this very truthful conversation. I was very truthful with him about my experience of dating him. I think I dated him for like a month or so.
And it was just eye opening for us and it was like I stayed connected with myself while connecting with this person and I just felt very authentically aligned in myself and empowered. I wasn't positioning or manipulating or any of those things. And I think that's where a lot of women feel like, oh my god, I have to be this political animal in order to succeed in the leadership. No, you don't. You need to be conscious and you need to understand yourself and you need to understand what energy you're leading with.
Because wishy-washy energy isn't connection either. I want you to know this. And this also happened when I would date guys who would be really wishy-washy about making plans. I just didn't like that energy as a leader, as a person who thinks about themselves consciously and makes decisions consciously. There's a difference between spontaneous and wishy-washy energy. You can kind of feel it. It's like hard to nail them down. They're not telling the truth, right?
So, you know what people can feel, this wishy-washy energy. You say, I don't think I can do Friday, but you mean Friday isn't possible. You say, maybe we could revisit my compensation, but you mean, I want my compensation to reflect the role I'm doing. And you might say, I'm not sure that's exactly how I'd approach it, but you actually mean, I disagree. Your words and your internal truth aren't aligned. Wishy-washy communication can look relational, but it's nicey-nice. It's people pleasing. It's softening and it's confusing. But it actually makes connection harder. People can typically tell when you are placating, when you're managing them, when you're trying to not upset them. Because now I have to decode you.
This is how I feel too when I'm with people that are wishy-washy. I'm like, what do you really want? Just tell me the truth. I can handle it. Is it a yes? Is it a no? Can I push? Do you actually disagree? And it doesn't build trust when people don't feel like you can just be honest and trustworthy with them, right? And if somebody asks you, what do you want? And eventually that lack of clarity, if it's wishy-washy energy, creates resentment on your side too. Because you're like, I keep saying I want more responsibility and they keep giving you more responsibility. But what you actually mean is, I want more compensation. I want a bigger title. I want more money. That's very different than I want more responsibility, right?
So here's that line, right? Clarity creates trust. Wishy-washy creates work. I'm going to say it again. Clarity creates trust, wishy-washy creates work. And it's like you've got to decode each other. People don't need you to agree with them all the time to trust you. They need to know where you stand. Actually, the most intimate relationships and the most connected relationships are the relationships where people can disagree, where they can actually disagree and have a, you know, debate with each other that they can share with each other how they really feel and they're conscious in the moment with each other, and they're not being too aggressive or passive.
They're actually that assertive, authentic communication with each other. Tell me the truth. I can handle it. Let's really meet each other. Where do you stand with this? Let's have a truthful, honest conversation. Your no can actually deepen the relationship. When you say no to someone, right? When you say that doesn't work for me, that actually gives them more understanding of you, really authentic you.
This is about relationships, right? Have you ever worked with someone whose yes you couldn't trust? Again, I'm going to share that whole example with the shared services team where people are like, "Absolutely, no problem." They say all the right things, but they actually, they're like passive aggressive because then they don't deliver, right? So then resentment builds up and you're so annoyed, right?
I actually had this with a woman that I was working with where I was probably super aggressive because I, actually I was really aggressive. I didn't trust her team to follow through. I didn't think that they cared about my deliverables and I would be very aggressive in my communication, like, "When are you going to get this done? And when are you going to let me know about it?" And to the point where this woman, the boss of these people were like, "Hey," she like emailed me directly. "Hey, your email's really condescending." And I said, "Hey, let's get on a phone and talk about it." And I actually, what was so funny with all of this was I actually thought, "Wow, she's upset with my communication. I must matter to her. She must actually care about what I'm saying, what I think, right?" And that was a moment where I was aggressive and I was, I don't know, I was probably unconsciously aggressive just because of the pattern.
But here's where we got real. Again, assertive, authentic communication. She got on the phone with me and she was like, "What's your deal? That was super condescending to my team." And I said, "Listen, here's the truth. I want your team to follow through. I've been hoping that they follow through, but there's so many org changes, there's so many training issues with your team. They consistently fail me and I don't trust them. And yes, you're right. I probably came across too condescending and even bitchy," right? I think I just named it.
And it was just a moment of truth. And she was like, "Oh, I can see that. I mean, I can understand where you're coming from." She recognized there were a lot of turnover on her team. She was on maternity leave for a while. She wasn't even leading the team. And we could just have a real conversation and say, "Listen, this is water under the bridge. Let's move forward. Let's connect to each other. Let's be honest and real with each other."
And it was so refreshing because I moved out of being passive, nicey nice girl, and then I moved out of being aggressive, like, "I've got to jump on you because I don't trust you," to, "Hey, let's have a heart-to-heart, see eye to eye to this, put it all on the table, put the mess on the table so we can actually start to build trust with each other. So we can actually connect with each other versus just manage each other." So think about this, right? This is like somebody who says, "I can't get this to you by Friday, but I can get it to you by Tuesday. Will that work for you?" Now, I know you. Now, this is the relational piece. How does Tuesday impact what you're trying to accomplish?
That's again, the relational piece. That's the part that changes everything. You're not saying my boundary, deal with it. No means no. You're saying, "Here's what's true for me. Now, help me understand what's true for you." Maybe Tuesday is fine. Maybe Tuesday creates a huge problem. Maybe the CEO needs it by Monday. Great. Now we have information. Now we're on the same page.
Assertiveness isn't rigidity. Authentic communication isn't about planting your flag, right, staking your claim and refusing to move. It's about being honest about where you are, starting from, so we can actually have a real conversation. Just like me and the woman that I was talking about, that she was like, "Let's have a real conversation," right? That's authentic communication. A clean no doesn't necessarily push people away. It allows people to know you and gives you the opportunity to know them. That's rapport. Your yes can let people know what you want. So, this is so important. Move with desire. Being known isn't only letting people know your limits, it's letting people know your desires, right?
I actually had this too with my boss. I really wanted to make space in my calendar to do these women network events, which I was executive sponsor for, but I would literally have to move things around. And I remember telling my boss, like, "Hey, I really want to make this happen. Can you, can we move this meeting?" And you know, he was so great about it. He didn't say no. He actually, I mean, I was kind of thought it was brilliant because he was just like, "Listen, I have this meeting with another colleague of yours. He's in Amsterdam. You connect with him and see if he can move it."
He was like, "You go connect with him and see if you can trade times with him." And I actually thought it was good because he was kind of like helping me help him. And I don't remember what happened. I think maybe I wasn't able to move it, but guess what? I had a great conversation with that leader in Amsterdam, my colleague, who I was like, "Hey, I'm really trying to make this work. Can you make this work?" And I don't think he could make it work. But listen, we had a great conversation and we connected, and we would rarely connect, you know? And in the future, I knew, hey, if there's another meeting like this, I can reach out to him, I can talk to him, right?
So I want you to do this. I want you to notice this in yourself. When are you wishy-washy? When are you too aggressive? And when are you communicating with that assertive, authentic communication style that we are learning to hone in for ourselves, you know, which has us being curious, but still assertive, still direct, being known to people.
So ask yourself, what do you want that the people around you don't actually know you want? I want you to ask this question to yourself because so many times when I'm talking to women and they're like, "I want to get promoted. I want to make more money. I want a different role. I want to do this role. I want less responsibility." And I ask them, "Have you talked to your boss about any of these things?" Yeah, you're not going to tell your boss everything, but what have you said and what have you not said? And why have you not said it, right? This is really you being honest with yourself and being authentic to yourself.
Authentic communication requires a willingness to be known. And desire makes us vulnerable. It's saying we want something that we don't have. Because if I don't tell you what I want, you can't reject it. So often times women, we're hinting at it, we over-explain, we hope it happens, we convince. This is why so many women work so hard and they're like, "I hope my work just speaks for itself because I don't want to be vulnerable and I don't want to directly ask for what I want because I could be rejected." But guess what? Tom and John and Andrew are asking for what they want. They're willing to put it on the table. Even if they hear no, they're just going to ask again. They're learning to build that muscle within them where they're like, "Well, I got my own back. I better go ask for that money if I want it. That's how it works in this world. People can't just read your mind."
What would you ask for if you didn't have to guarantee they'd say yes? I want you to ask yourself that, right? What would you ask for if you didn't first have to guarantee they'd say yes? Because I think that would open up a lot for you.
I actually have a client right now that I'm coaching and we've been talking about her really having a direct conversation with her boss who's about to go on maternity leave. And I'm like, "You've got to go talk to your boss about this plan. Who are you going to report to when she's on maternity leave? What's going to happen?" you know? And she's like, "Every time I bring it up, she is so uncomfortable and then I get uncomfortable and then I don't say it. She just doesn't say it."
And I said, "What if you just tell her, 'Listen, I am feeling fearful about your maternity leave and I want to make sure that everything goes smoothly while you're gone so that we're not bothering you while you're on maternity leave.'" And she just sat with that and she was like, "Oh, that's simple. That's easy." I actually, that's authentic and it's assertive, it's direct, right? It's no longer this wishy-washy like, "I don't want to make you uncomfortable, so I'm not going to ask you critical questions that are important for you and for me," right? That is dancing around a problem. That is passively dealing with a problem. That is not authentic, assertive communication.
All right, I'm going to share one more story because I think this is super important. This is where it comes up and this is where oftentimes we can undermine ourselves, where we shrink back, where we don't trust ourselves because we so want to just have people read our minds or we so don't want to deal with the fear of rejection, right?
So, this is my own story. I remember I was doing this big role and they had asked me to do it. And I really wanted to ask for more compensation because I was like, "I am doing this huge role. It wasn't in my original scope and now you've asked me to basically be the controller of a two hundred fifty million dollar international project and I was going to be traveling to Australia and to the US while I was living in London." And I was like, ready. I didn't have any coach training at the time, but I went to the CFO and I was like, "All right, I'm going to ask him. I'm going to say, 'Hey, I want this. I need this,' or, you know, 'I hope we can make this work.'" If I use the words of my friend that's the compensation expert, right? I hope we can make this work. I'm excited about this new scope change. I want to have an increase in compensation to reflect this new scope.
What came out actually when he said, "Hey, so what do you need?" I said, "I need two contractors." Like I basically, like I literally didn't even say what I wanted. I just said what I thought was safe. Actually, I did need two contractors, right? And I probably was going to ask him for that. But contractors were safe. It's operational. It's justifiable. And guess what? If he said no, I wouldn't feel that badly about it, right? And I also knew I could put this in the business case. But compensation, me asking for what I wanted, to say this is what I want, that was actually more vulnerable.
Of course, it's more vulnerable. It's like being like he could really just reject me in the moment and I didn't know how to stand by myself in those moments. And so I just did what I did and I was like, "Oh my gosh, how did this happen to me?" right? Where are you asking for something adjacent to what you actually want? Resources instead of compensation, feedback instead of advancement, recognition instead of authority, opportunities instead of real promotions, permission instead of ownership. There's a lot of ways that we as women dance around questions, wishy-washy style, right?
And then we get so upset and resentful when people can't read our minds, we move to aggression and we say, "I want this. I deserve this. I should have gotten this three years ago," right? And then people are like, "What? Where did this come from? What's all this aggression?" right? This is why it's so important to work on your assertive, authentic communication, to let people know where you are in the here and now. So you can have a here and now connection with them and a here and now conversation with them. Not about the past, not about the future, here and now.
I want you to let these three scenarios sit with you. Passive wishy-washy. This is the scenario. "I know budgets are tight and I'm really grateful for everything. I was just wondering whether maybe at some point we could revisit my compensation." I want you to notice that. You want connection so badly that you're obscuring your position. You're not being direct.
And then here's aggressive/controlling. "I've taken on all this additional responsibility. I deserve a raise and you need to increase my compensation." You see how scary that is? It's like very little connection or agency for the other person. It's like putting a gun to someone's head. It's like, "I'm going to leave now because I am entitled to all of these things and you didn't give it to me." That is scary. It's scary if you're on the other side of it and it's like your direct report just said that to you. You're like, "Whoa, what just happened? Hold on a minute. We just went from like zero to 60." So I want you to notice how that feels in your body.
Okay, and here's the assertive, authentic communication approach. Now, it's not about the words, it's more about the tone, it's more about the relational piece of it, right? Again, I don't teach scripts, but I do teach you how to listen to yourself and to be assertive and authentic at the same time. So, however you say it, right? But this is going to give you an example. "Hey, my responsibilities have expanded significantly over the last year and I want my compensation to reflect the new scope of my role. I would love to discuss increasing it to 20% if not more and I'm hoping that this could work because I really enjoy working with you."
Then stop, listen. Maybe they say no. Maybe they ask questions. Maybe they disagree with your assessment. Then, "Tell me what you're seeing," right? Ask them, "Tell me what you're seeing." Now you're communicating, not performing assertiveness, not controlling or being overly aggressive, and not collapsing and going into passive aggressive, wishy-washy energy. You are relating, you are having a real adult conversation with an authority figure.
So, here is a model that you can practice because we've just been through it. Like, of course, notice, am I being passive? Am I being aggressive? Am I actually in the assertive, authentic communication realm? right? First and foremost, ask yourself, what is actually true for me? Before I communicate, I need to know. And then you want to express. Can I say it clearly? Not hint at it, not decode it, not put all these platitudes in it and make it really confusing and wishy-washy.
And then third, connect. Can I stay curious about what's true for you? Your perspective doesn't threaten mine. This is really key, right? How can we stay open and curious and ask questions? And then of course, hold. Can I stay with myself and the relationship when tension appears? This is where I failed myself, right? In the example that I shared with you, asking for contractors instead of compensation. But this is the practice, right? The more you do it, I'm going to tell you, I'm already going to tell you, it's going to be uncomfortable. It's going to be awkward, especially if it's the first time.
Those are all good things because you're growing and you're learning and you're building your muscle. It will be awkward. It matters to you and it's okay if it's awkward. You're growing. This is the episode that I shared just last week about building your emotional capacity, right? They might get angry. They might be disappointed. They might feel scared. They might disagree. They might even say no or be a little defensive. You do not need to shift because of how they're emotionally reacting. You can just stay with yourself and be curious. "Can I experience your response without immediately abandoning myself or disconnecting from you?"
This is the leadership move. This is what you're trying to hold. Being able to have and hear somebody's response without abandoning yourself or disconnecting from the person in front of you. That's advanced leadership communication. This is the work that we do inside Command. This is how you learn to be assertive and authentic and aligned to you as you are learning to communicate this outside in the world.
All right. That is today's episode. I am just diving into the nuances of this communication and this framework because it's so important for you to see and go to school on yourself. This is what's going to have you not feel like you're shape-shifting or trying to remember scripts. This is you connecting to yourself, aligning to yourself, expressing what's so, connecting and holding the tension, holding the discomfort. Because when you have more and more of these conversations, that discomfort's going to come and you're going to say, "I'm ready for it. Yann told me it's going to be uncomfortable, but we're just going to be able to hold it and follow through.”
The more you do this, the discomfort will still be there, but you'll be like, "Oh, I know this discomfort's happening," right? It's almost like, when you're doing something and you're like, "Okay, it's uncomfortable, but I knew it was going to be uncomfortable, so it's fine." It's happening the way that I expected it to happen. That is what happens when you practice this and when you build that Command muscle, when you go to school on yourself. This is what I do in the Command with the women that I am coaching. This is what they're sharing with each other. They're like, "Whoa, way uncomfortable." And they're like, "Yeah, you did it. Let's celebrate your embracing that discomfort and moving through it." They inspire the heck out of each other. They inspire me, you know?
So, I can give you all of these sentences right now. You can write them down. You can understand the framework. You can nod along to the entire episode. You can even write the script that I gave you about, you know, these different things. But then you're sitting across from your boss, your heart starts pounding, they challenge you, they look disappointed, they tell you no, and suddenly, "Well, I mean, it's not that important." Just watch where you might shrink back. That's why this isn't just communication training. This is holding the emotional capacity and the tension in the room, being connected to yourself so you could be connected to them and be curious.
This is the practice. This is what we do inside Command. We go much deeper with assertive, authentic communications. It's the cornerstone of what I'm teaching you. We practice assessing your clarity, expressing what you actually think and want, staying connected and curious with the human being across from you, and developing the emotional capacity to hold yourself when there's tension. Because authenticity without expression stays invisible. Nobody can read your mind. Assertiveness without connection becomes performance. And expression without emotional capacity collapses when there's resistance. Command is where you practice all of this when something actually matters.
All right. So, I want you to take this away. I want you to have one conversation this week where you find yourself wanting to withhold clarity in the name of connection. I want you to ask yourself these four questions. Number one, align. What is actually true for me? Number two, express. What would it sound like to say that clearly? Number three, connect. What am I genuinely curious about from them? And fourth, hold. What reaction am I willing to let them have without abandoning myself? And then have the conversation.
Go and do it. This is really about you practicing and expanding it and come inside Command if you want the support mentorship from me and the support from other women being inspired by them doing the exact same thing. We are doing this weekly. We have Command practices weekly. This is you learning how to do it. It becomes easier the more you know. The goal isn't to become harder to push around it. It's to let people know what you think, what you want, what you don't want, what matters to you, what you stand for, and to remain curious enough to discover what matters to them too. That's the connection. Because real assertiveness isn't choosing between yourself and the relationship. It's learning how to stay connected to both. That's assertive, authentic communication and that's exactly what we do in Command.
All right, have a beautiful week. Let me know how this episode's lands with you and what questions you have and how you are noticing yourself and being more clear and the results that it's creating in your life as you lead with more assertive, authentic communication. All right, have a beautiful week and I will see you next week. Take good care. Bye.
Thank you for being a part of The Balanced Leader community. We hope you found today's episode inspiring and actionable. For more resources and to connect with Yann, visit us at aspire-coaching.co. Until next time, keep leading with confidence and purpose.
So many high achieving women that I coach want their minds to be read. They want people to read between the lines. I know, I've been there. I've wanted people to just read my mind. Because we often think softening creates connection, but sometimes it creates confusion. Do the people you lead actually know you? Do they know what you value, what you expect, what doesn't work for you, what you want, where you stand? That's where assertive communication begins. Not by being louder, not by being tougher, but by being willing to be known for what really matters to you.
Welcome to The Balanced Leader, hosted by Yann Dang, a Leadership and Life Coach with over 20 years of corporate experience. Drawing from her journey as a former global finance leader and second-generation immigrant, Yann understands the unique challenges women face in male-dominated workplaces.
Each episode offers insights on balancing masculine and feminine energies, mastering soft skills and building emotional intelligence. Join us to transform frustration into empowerment and unlock your authentic leadership potential.
Hey podcast listeners, welcome to today's episode. We are going to talk about assertive, authentic communication. I wanted to bring this up because often times when I talk to people about being more assertive, what comes up for them is that this doesn't feel authentic to me. This doesn't feel natural to me. I want people to read my mind. I don't want to be that direct with people. Or it doesn't actually come across that direct. People are more like, I'm not sure if I can say that. Like they'll actually ask me like, can I say that? And it'll be something that is pretty direct, pretty innocuous, but to them it holds a lot of emotional tension.
And here's what I want you to know about authenticity and what I mean by authenticity because I think that there's a huge misconception about being authentic. Authentic doesn't mean that it's natural. Authentic means it's aligned to you. If you've spent 20 years saying yes when you mean no, softening your opinion, over explaining, making sure everyone is okay, waiting to be asked, avoiding direct disagreement, then assertive communication may feel incredibly unnatural to you. That doesn't make it inauthentic. Sometimes what feels natural is simply what you've practiced for the longest time.
Often times people will say, you know, I used to be really shy. But that was just how they were. It wasn't like they were just always shy. It was just a pattern that they had for a long time that made them feel familiar, right? So what I want you to know is, is this actually not me or is it simply unfamiliar to me? Because there's a big difference. Learning how to speak authentically in alignment with what you want could be feeling very unnatural to you. But if it's aligned to what you want and what you value and has you showing up in the world more being you unapologetically saying things and asking for things, then it is authentic.
But it will feel uncomfortable and unnatural, right? Authenticity asks, does what I'm saying externally align with what I actually think, feel, want, value, and choose internally? That's the difference. It's a different from I'm just being myself. Because sometimes being yourself means repeating a communication pattern you learned when you were eight years old or three years old.
It was a learned pattern to be able to survive your family system, to be able to be easy going when maybe your mother and father were very strict, right? These might have been patterns. They're not you. They're not authentically you. They're just what has come up for you to survive or to succeed, but maybe it's not working for you anymore, right? Because I'm thinking it probably doesn't if you're listening to this podcast on assertive, authentic communication.
So let's dive into what I mean more by this and how you can practice this skill even when it's uncomfortable. And I think part of growth is like, hey, this is uncomfortable because I haven't done it before, but it also means I'm learning and growing. It's like going to the gym. It's like, oh, I'm sore. I'm like working some muscles I haven't worked forever. Something's working, right? I'm doing something I haven't been doing and that's working for me.
So, I want you to think about this because I think as women, we sometimes confuse clarity with connection and it has us wanting people to read our minds and not be direct, right? A lot of communication training emphasizes clarity. Say what you mean, be direct, make the ask. Great. But this is the nuance, right? Assertive communication isn't clarity at all costs. We are human beings and because we're communicating with another human being and leadership is relational. People want to feel in rapport with you. People want to understand you, right? So we need both. Clarity is I don't abandon myself. Connection is I don't abandon you.
But I think often times with women, we have learned to disconnect from ourselves in the name of socialization, in the name of helping other people feel comfortable before ourselves. Maybe we've seen our mothers do it. Maybe we've seen other people do it, other women do it, where we're taught to be nice and kind and not say what we really want versus being really clear and direct. But here's the nuance. Clarity without connection can become aggression. Being clear and direct can sometimes come across just very aggressive.
Although, I think a lot of women need to practice what this is for them because you won't really notice where you are. Sometimes I'm like, whoa, was that really aggressive? But then I have somebody else read it and they're like, no, that was just really direct. And I'm like, okay, cool. I'm learning how to speak with more clarity, with more directedness, and still be in rapport with people, right? And so, you know, this is a learning process.
But here's the other thing that women tend to do. Connection without clarity becomes wishy-washy. And I got to tell you, as a leader, I hate wishy-washy energy. I hate it when I'm talking to somebody and I'm like, hey, you want this? And they're like very wishy-washy. It like has me being like, okay, this isn't the person. Because if I'm offering you something and you're wishy-washy or you're not clear about what you want or don't want, for me in leadership, I'm like, I can't work with somebody who's not able to just tell me the truth, right?
Obviously, we have to be aware of cultural differences. I remember when I was working with folks in the Philippines. They were the shared services for our accounting team, and I was in Singapore. And listen, there was a big power dynamic. I was the leader and they were listening to my directions. And I would literally tell them, hey, I need you to say no to me. I need you to disagree with me. I need you to tell me if you can't do this, right? Because I've been burned. And I would tell them, listen, people want to say yes to me because you want to please your authority figure, but if you can't do it, if you really can't do it, just tell me the truth because now I can move forward.
That was me being assertive and authentic and communicating with both clarity and connection. I was telling them, listen, I know that you probably want to say yes to me because you were probably taught that you need to, you know, please your authority figures. But I am also telling you, you have permission to say no to me. You have permission to tell me the truth. I want to know the truth. No wishy-washy energy. I was just very clear with them. I actually want you to say no if you really can't do it. Now, if you can do it, say yes and get it done. I love that, right?
But this is what happens sometimes and I think this is super important to notice the difference between passive versus aggressive versus assertive. This is the nuance. This is, I think sometimes women are like, it's just so confusing. How are we supposed to be? But if you're shape shifting for other people and not conscious of what you're doing and your power in your tool belts, which I'm about to teach you.
This is these are going to be power tools in your tool belt to be able to go to school on yourself and say, whoa, that was way passive of me. What was I hiding? Whoa, that was really aggressive of me. What am I defending or controlling? Whoa, that's really assertive of me. I like that. It was direct. It was still in rapport. You know, I'm really clear on what I was saying. There was not a lot of wishy-washy energy and I was still in connection with them. I was still curious about them and what works for them.
So, let me tell you what passive is. Passive is, I lose myself to stay connected to you. This can happen in personal relationships as well. Sometimes my husband's super excited about something and I'm not, but I don't want to like, you know, not be excited with him. And then sometimes I'll say something. It'll probably be more wishy-washy. Like, oh, that sounds exciting, you know? But I'm I'm not really into it, right? And so what happens is we're actually, it's like a fake connection. Like he's excited. I'm not that excited, but I'm pretending to be. So it's actually not authentic.
So, here's what it sounds like when you are passive. Whatever you think is fine. Sure, I can make that work. It's really not a big deal. Except it is a big deal, right? You're prioritizing connection at the expense of clarity. Passive communication says, your truth matters more than mine. It basically says that they have more power because of the relationship you're trying to hold with them requires you to be more passive in yourself to be able to be in relationship with them in this way.
But actually that's the whole opposite of learning to have inner authority, because if you had inner authority, even if it's your boss saying something, your ability to be curious, your ability to ask questions, instead of just going with the passive like, oh, that's great when you really you're like, I don't know if that's great. I'd like to ask you more questions about that, right? That's you being more authentic. That's you leading with more of your inner authority. That's you being more conscious versus passive. So you've got to know when you're being passive.
And then aggressive, right? Listen, I always tell people, we are not here to be like aggressive, you know, controlling women. This is not what I teach people to do, right? I want you to know when you are being aggressive, it sounds like this. I lose connection with you to assert myself. It's like you or me. It's like we both can't exist. So it can sound just very direct, like, I'm not doing that. You need to change this. I've earned this and you need to give it to me. It's very entitled. It's very you versus me. And you're clear, but there's little room for the other person. Aggressive communication says, my truth matters more than yours.
And actually it comes up a lot of negotiation. I actually, I'm going to have a salary negotiation expert that is going to, actually he's a compensation expert. He will join us on the show. And one of the things he told me recently that he coaches people to say is that I hope we can make this work. And I was like, well, hoping, doesn't it seem so passive? And he was actually like, no, it's actually being assertive. I'm hoping that this will work. And I actually, you know, we were kind of unpacking that, but it's not aggressive. It's like saying to somebody like, hey, this is an incredible opportunity for both of us and I hope we can make this work. This is what I would need to make it work, right? So you're still saying you're hoping because you're not saying, I need you to make this happen. That's more convincing. That's controlling. And we'll tag in the convincing versus convicted energy into this podcast too, if you haven't listened to that.
But that's where aggression goes. Aggression is like, there's not room for you. There's just room for me. And there's going to be moments you might want to be aggressive. If you are being pushed against the wall by somebody who is like, you've got to do this, you've got to do this. They're coming at you. You might need to be more aggressive to basically counterbalance that emotion. But I want you to notice and I want you to actually consciously decide, I'm going to be more aggressive in this dance.
I'm not saying that passive, aggressive or being those things, if you're conscious of it and you're like, okay, I noticed that I was being passive or I'm consciously choosing to be passive in this moment. That's better than just doing it because it's a reflex or a reaction, right? If you're, you know, being like, listen, this is a hard no for me. But maybe this is somebody who has crossed your boundaries many times and you just want it to be clear and you can be aggressive because there's enough relationship.
So, I want you to know that there's a continuum. Passive, aggressive, and then there's assertive plus authentic communication. This is where we want you to be most of the time. But like I said, these are tools in your toolkit and you being able to use it consciously is what is most important. So assertive plus authentic, and I think this is for the women that are really scared of being too assertive and losing connection with people. This is the best of both worlds. I stay connected to myself while remaining connected to you. Here's what I think. Here's what I want. Here's what doesn't work for me. And what are you seeing? Tell me what's important to you. How does this impact what you're trying to accomplish? That's the difference. My truth matters, your truth matters, alignment matters, and we don't have to agree in order to stay in relationship, to stay in connection.
I know sometimes I share about my sort of dating experiences, but I remember having this really assertive, authentic conversation with this guy where I was like, listen, this isn't what I want. And I was just very clear. And he was like, can we have a discussion about it? And I was like, yeah. I think he did some growth work with the Hoffman Group and he was just really open to getting feedback and talking about it. It was very refreshing and disarming to be honest. It wasn't like he was just angry and being like, okay, fine, you don't want to date anymore. He was like really curious and we had this very truthful conversation. I was very truthful with him about my experience of dating him. I think I dated him for like a month or so.
And it was just eye opening for us and it was like I stayed connected with myself while connecting with this person and I just felt very authentically aligned in myself and empowered. I wasn't positioning or manipulating or any of those things. And I think that's where a lot of women feel like, oh my god, I have to be this political animal in order to succeed in the leadership. No, you don't. You need to be conscious and you need to understand yourself and you need to understand what energy you're leading with.
Because wishy-washy energy isn't connection either. I want you to know this. And this also happened when I would date guys who would be really wishy-washy about making plans. I just didn't like that energy as a leader, as a person who thinks about themselves consciously and makes decisions consciously. There's a difference between spontaneous and wishy-washy energy. You can kind of feel it. It's like hard to nail them down. They're not telling the truth, right?
So, you know what people can feel, this wishy-washy energy. You say, I don't think I can do Friday, but you mean Friday isn't possible. You say, maybe we could revisit my compensation, but you mean, I want my compensation to reflect the role I'm doing. And you might say, I'm not sure that's exactly how I'd approach it, but you actually mean, I disagree. Your words and your internal truth aren't aligned. Wishy-washy communication can look relational, but it's nicey-nice. It's people pleasing. It's softening and it's confusing. But it actually makes connection harder. People can typically tell when you are placating, when you're managing them, when you're trying to not upset them. Because now I have to decode you.
This is how I feel too when I'm with people that are wishy-washy. I'm like, what do you really want? Just tell me the truth. I can handle it. Is it a yes? Is it a no? Can I push? Do you actually disagree? And it doesn't build trust when people don't feel like you can just be honest and trustworthy with them, right? And if somebody asks you, what do you want? And eventually that lack of clarity, if it's wishy-washy energy, creates resentment on your side too. Because you're like, I keep saying I want more responsibility and they keep giving you more responsibility. But what you actually mean is, I want more compensation. I want a bigger title. I want more money. That's very different than I want more responsibility, right?
So here's that line, right? Clarity creates trust. Wishy-washy creates work. I'm going to say it again. Clarity creates trust, wishy-washy creates work. And it's like you've got to decode each other. People don't need you to agree with them all the time to trust you. They need to know where you stand. Actually, the most intimate relationships and the most connected relationships are the relationships where people can disagree, where they can actually disagree and have a, you know, debate with each other that they can share with each other how they really feel and they're conscious in the moment with each other, and they're not being too aggressive or passive.
They're actually that assertive, authentic communication with each other. Tell me the truth. I can handle it. Let's really meet each other. Where do you stand with this? Let's have a truthful, honest conversation. Your no can actually deepen the relationship. When you say no to someone, right? When you say that doesn't work for me, that actually gives them more understanding of you, really authentic you.
This is about relationships, right? Have you ever worked with someone whose yes you couldn't trust? Again, I'm going to share that whole example with the shared services team where people are like, "Absolutely, no problem." They say all the right things, but they actually, they're like passive aggressive because then they don't deliver, right? So then resentment builds up and you're so annoyed, right?
I actually had this with a woman that I was working with where I was probably super aggressive because I, actually I was really aggressive. I didn't trust her team to follow through. I didn't think that they cared about my deliverables and I would be very aggressive in my communication, like, "When are you going to get this done? And when are you going to let me know about it?" And to the point where this woman, the boss of these people were like, "Hey," she like emailed me directly. "Hey, your email's really condescending." And I said, "Hey, let's get on a phone and talk about it." And I actually, what was so funny with all of this was I actually thought, "Wow, she's upset with my communication. I must matter to her. She must actually care about what I'm saying, what I think, right?" And that was a moment where I was aggressive and I was, I don't know, I was probably unconsciously aggressive just because of the pattern.
But here's where we got real. Again, assertive, authentic communication. She got on the phone with me and she was like, "What's your deal? That was super condescending to my team." And I said, "Listen, here's the truth. I want your team to follow through. I've been hoping that they follow through, but there's so many org changes, there's so many training issues with your team. They consistently fail me and I don't trust them. And yes, you're right. I probably came across too condescending and even bitchy," right? I think I just named it.
And it was just a moment of truth. And she was like, "Oh, I can see that. I mean, I can understand where you're coming from." She recognized there were a lot of turnover on her team. She was on maternity leave for a while. She wasn't even leading the team. And we could just have a real conversation and say, "Listen, this is water under the bridge. Let's move forward. Let's connect to each other. Let's be honest and real with each other."
And it was so refreshing because I moved out of being passive, nicey nice girl, and then I moved out of being aggressive, like, "I've got to jump on you because I don't trust you," to, "Hey, let's have a heart-to-heart, see eye to eye to this, put it all on the table, put the mess on the table so we can actually start to build trust with each other. So we can actually connect with each other versus just manage each other." So think about this, right? This is like somebody who says, "I can't get this to you by Friday, but I can get it to you by Tuesday. Will that work for you?" Now, I know you. Now, this is the relational piece. How does Tuesday impact what you're trying to accomplish?
That's again, the relational piece. That's the part that changes everything. You're not saying my boundary, deal with it. No means no. You're saying, "Here's what's true for me. Now, help me understand what's true for you." Maybe Tuesday is fine. Maybe Tuesday creates a huge problem. Maybe the CEO needs it by Monday. Great. Now we have information. Now we're on the same page.
Assertiveness isn't rigidity. Authentic communication isn't about planting your flag, right, staking your claim and refusing to move. It's about being honest about where you are, starting from, so we can actually have a real conversation. Just like me and the woman that I was talking about, that she was like, "Let's have a real conversation," right? That's authentic communication. A clean no doesn't necessarily push people away. It allows people to know you and gives you the opportunity to know them. That's rapport. Your yes can let people know what you want. So, this is so important. Move with desire. Being known isn't only letting people know your limits, it's letting people know your desires, right?
I actually had this too with my boss. I really wanted to make space in my calendar to do these women network events, which I was executive sponsor for, but I would literally have to move things around. And I remember telling my boss, like, "Hey, I really want to make this happen. Can you, can we move this meeting?" And you know, he was so great about it. He didn't say no. He actually, I mean, I was kind of thought it was brilliant because he was just like, "Listen, I have this meeting with another colleague of yours. He's in Amsterdam. You connect with him and see if he can move it."
He was like, "You go connect with him and see if you can trade times with him." And I actually thought it was good because he was kind of like helping me help him. And I don't remember what happened. I think maybe I wasn't able to move it, but guess what? I had a great conversation with that leader in Amsterdam, my colleague, who I was like, "Hey, I'm really trying to make this work. Can you make this work?" And I don't think he could make it work. But listen, we had a great conversation and we connected, and we would rarely connect, you know? And in the future, I knew, hey, if there's another meeting like this, I can reach out to him, I can talk to him, right?
So I want you to do this. I want you to notice this in yourself. When are you wishy-washy? When are you too aggressive? And when are you communicating with that assertive, authentic communication style that we are learning to hone in for ourselves, you know, which has us being curious, but still assertive, still direct, being known to people.
So ask yourself, what do you want that the people around you don't actually know you want? I want you to ask this question to yourself because so many times when I'm talking to women and they're like, "I want to get promoted. I want to make more money. I want a different role. I want to do this role. I want less responsibility." And I ask them, "Have you talked to your boss about any of these things?" Yeah, you're not going to tell your boss everything, but what have you said and what have you not said? And why have you not said it, right? This is really you being honest with yourself and being authentic to yourself.
Authentic communication requires a willingness to be known. And desire makes us vulnerable. It's saying we want something that we don't have. Because if I don't tell you what I want, you can't reject it. So often times women, we're hinting at it, we over-explain, we hope it happens, we convince. This is why so many women work so hard and they're like, "I hope my work just speaks for itself because I don't want to be vulnerable and I don't want to directly ask for what I want because I could be rejected." But guess what? Tom and John and Andrew are asking for what they want. They're willing to put it on the table. Even if they hear no, they're just going to ask again. They're learning to build that muscle within them where they're like, "Well, I got my own back. I better go ask for that money if I want it. That's how it works in this world. People can't just read your mind."
What would you ask for if you didn't have to guarantee they'd say yes? I want you to ask yourself that, right? What would you ask for if you didn't first have to guarantee they'd say yes? Because I think that would open up a lot for you.
I actually have a client right now that I'm coaching and we've been talking about her really having a direct conversation with her boss who's about to go on maternity leave. And I'm like, "You've got to go talk to your boss about this plan. Who are you going to report to when she's on maternity leave? What's going to happen?" you know? And she's like, "Every time I bring it up, she is so uncomfortable and then I get uncomfortable and then I don't say it. She just doesn't say it."
And I said, "What if you just tell her, 'Listen, I am feeling fearful about your maternity leave and I want to make sure that everything goes smoothly while you're gone so that we're not bothering you while you're on maternity leave.'" And she just sat with that and she was like, "Oh, that's simple. That's easy." I actually, that's authentic and it's assertive, it's direct, right? It's no longer this wishy-washy like, "I don't want to make you uncomfortable, so I'm not going to ask you critical questions that are important for you and for me," right? That is dancing around a problem. That is passively dealing with a problem. That is not authentic, assertive communication.
All right, I'm going to share one more story because I think this is super important. This is where it comes up and this is where oftentimes we can undermine ourselves, where we shrink back, where we don't trust ourselves because we so want to just have people read our minds or we so don't want to deal with the fear of rejection, right?
So, this is my own story. I remember I was doing this big role and they had asked me to do it. And I really wanted to ask for more compensation because I was like, "I am doing this huge role. It wasn't in my original scope and now you've asked me to basically be the controller of a two hundred fifty million dollar international project and I was going to be traveling to Australia and to the US while I was living in London." And I was like, ready. I didn't have any coach training at the time, but I went to the CFO and I was like, "All right, I'm going to ask him. I'm going to say, 'Hey, I want this. I need this,' or, you know, 'I hope we can make this work.'" If I use the words of my friend that's the compensation expert, right? I hope we can make this work. I'm excited about this new scope change. I want to have an increase in compensation to reflect this new scope.
What came out actually when he said, "Hey, so what do you need?" I said, "I need two contractors." Like I basically, like I literally didn't even say what I wanted. I just said what I thought was safe. Actually, I did need two contractors, right? And I probably was going to ask him for that. But contractors were safe. It's operational. It's justifiable. And guess what? If he said no, I wouldn't feel that badly about it, right? And I also knew I could put this in the business case. But compensation, me asking for what I wanted, to say this is what I want, that was actually more vulnerable.
Of course, it's more vulnerable. It's like being like he could really just reject me in the moment and I didn't know how to stand by myself in those moments. And so I just did what I did and I was like, "Oh my gosh, how did this happen to me?" right? Where are you asking for something adjacent to what you actually want? Resources instead of compensation, feedback instead of advancement, recognition instead of authority, opportunities instead of real promotions, permission instead of ownership. There's a lot of ways that we as women dance around questions, wishy-washy style, right?
And then we get so upset and resentful when people can't read our minds, we move to aggression and we say, "I want this. I deserve this. I should have gotten this three years ago," right? And then people are like, "What? Where did this come from? What's all this aggression?" right? This is why it's so important to work on your assertive, authentic communication, to let people know where you are in the here and now. So you can have a here and now connection with them and a here and now conversation with them. Not about the past, not about the future, here and now.
I want you to let these three scenarios sit with you. Passive wishy-washy. This is the scenario. "I know budgets are tight and I'm really grateful for everything. I was just wondering whether maybe at some point we could revisit my compensation." I want you to notice that. You want connection so badly that you're obscuring your position. You're not being direct.
And then here's aggressive/controlling. "I've taken on all this additional responsibility. I deserve a raise and you need to increase my compensation." You see how scary that is? It's like very little connection or agency for the other person. It's like putting a gun to someone's head. It's like, "I'm going to leave now because I am entitled to all of these things and you didn't give it to me." That is scary. It's scary if you're on the other side of it and it's like your direct report just said that to you. You're like, "Whoa, what just happened? Hold on a minute. We just went from like zero to 60." So I want you to notice how that feels in your body.
Okay, and here's the assertive, authentic communication approach. Now, it's not about the words, it's more about the tone, it's more about the relational piece of it, right? Again, I don't teach scripts, but I do teach you how to listen to yourself and to be assertive and authentic at the same time. So, however you say it, right? But this is going to give you an example. "Hey, my responsibilities have expanded significantly over the last year and I want my compensation to reflect the new scope of my role. I would love to discuss increasing it to 20% if not more and I'm hoping that this could work because I really enjoy working with you."
Then stop, listen. Maybe they say no. Maybe they ask questions. Maybe they disagree with your assessment. Then, "Tell me what you're seeing," right? Ask them, "Tell me what you're seeing." Now you're communicating, not performing assertiveness, not controlling or being overly aggressive, and not collapsing and going into passive aggressive, wishy-washy energy. You are relating, you are having a real adult conversation with an authority figure.
So, here is a model that you can practice because we've just been through it. Like, of course, notice, am I being passive? Am I being aggressive? Am I actually in the assertive, authentic communication realm? right? First and foremost, ask yourself, what is actually true for me? Before I communicate, I need to know. And then you want to express. Can I say it clearly? Not hint at it, not decode it, not put all these platitudes in it and make it really confusing and wishy-washy.
And then third, connect. Can I stay curious about what's true for you? Your perspective doesn't threaten mine. This is really key, right? How can we stay open and curious and ask questions? And then of course, hold. Can I stay with myself and the relationship when tension appears? This is where I failed myself, right? In the example that I shared with you, asking for contractors instead of compensation. But this is the practice, right? The more you do it, I'm going to tell you, I'm already going to tell you, it's going to be uncomfortable. It's going to be awkward, especially if it's the first time.
Those are all good things because you're growing and you're learning and you're building your muscle. It will be awkward. It matters to you and it's okay if it's awkward. You're growing. This is the episode that I shared just last week about building your emotional capacity, right? They might get angry. They might be disappointed. They might feel scared. They might disagree. They might even say no or be a little defensive. You do not need to shift because of how they're emotionally reacting. You can just stay with yourself and be curious. "Can I experience your response without immediately abandoning myself or disconnecting from you?"
This is the leadership move. This is what you're trying to hold. Being able to have and hear somebody's response without abandoning yourself or disconnecting from the person in front of you. That's advanced leadership communication. This is the work that we do inside Command. This is how you learn to be assertive and authentic and aligned to you as you are learning to communicate this outside in the world.
All right. That is today's episode. I am just diving into the nuances of this communication and this framework because it's so important for you to see and go to school on yourself. This is what's going to have you not feel like you're shape-shifting or trying to remember scripts. This is you connecting to yourself, aligning to yourself, expressing what's so, connecting and holding the tension, holding the discomfort. Because when you have more and more of these conversations, that discomfort's going to come and you're going to say, "I'm ready for it. Yann told me it's going to be uncomfortable, but we're just going to be able to hold it and follow through.”
The more you do this, the discomfort will still be there, but you'll be like, "Oh, I know this discomfort's happening," right? It's almost like, when you're doing something and you're like, "Okay, it's uncomfortable, but I knew it was going to be uncomfortable, so it's fine." It's happening the way that I expected it to happen. That is what happens when you practice this and when you build that Command muscle, when you go to school on yourself. This is what I do in the Command with the women that I am coaching. This is what they're sharing with each other. They're like, "Whoa, way uncomfortable." And they're like, "Yeah, you did it. Let's celebrate your embracing that discomfort and moving through it." They inspire the heck out of each other. They inspire me, you know?
So, I can give you all of these sentences right now. You can write them down. You can understand the framework. You can nod along to the entire episode. You can even write the script that I gave you about, you know, these different things. But then you're sitting across from your boss, your heart starts pounding, they challenge you, they look disappointed, they tell you no, and suddenly, "Well, I mean, it's not that important." Just watch where you might shrink back. That's why this isn't just communication training. This is holding the emotional capacity and the tension in the room, being connected to yourself so you could be connected to them and be curious.
This is the practice. This is what we do inside Command. We go much deeper with assertive, authentic communications. It's the cornerstone of what I'm teaching you. We practice assessing your clarity, expressing what you actually think and want, staying connected and curious with the human being across from you, and developing the emotional capacity to hold yourself when there's tension. Because authenticity without expression stays invisible. Nobody can read your mind. Assertiveness without connection becomes performance. And expression without emotional capacity collapses when there's resistance. Command is where you practice all of this when something actually matters.
All right. So, I want you to take this away. I want you to have one conversation this week where you find yourself wanting to withhold clarity in the name of connection. I want you to ask yourself these four questions. Number one, align. What is actually true for me? Number two, express. What would it sound like to say that clearly? Number three, connect. What am I genuinely curious about from them? And fourth, hold. What reaction am I willing to let them have without abandoning myself? And then have the conversation.
Go and do it. This is really about you practicing and expanding it and come inside Command if you want the support mentorship from me and the support from other women being inspired by them doing the exact same thing. We are doing this weekly. We have Command practices weekly. This is you learning how to do it. It becomes easier the more you know. The goal isn't to become harder to push around it. It's to let people know what you think, what you want, what you don't want, what matters to you, what you stand for, and to remain curious enough to discover what matters to them too. That's the connection. Because real assertiveness isn't choosing between yourself and the relationship. It's learning how to stay connected to both. That's assertive, authentic communication and that's exactly what we do in Command.
All right, have a beautiful week. Let me know how this episode's lands with you and what questions you have and how you are noticing yourself and being more clear and the results that it's creating in your life as you lead with more assertive, authentic communication. All right, have a beautiful week and I will see you next week. Take good care. Bye.
Thank you for being a part of The Balanced Leader community. We hope you found today's episode inspiring and actionable. For more resources and to connect with Yann, visit us at aspire-coaching.co. Until next time, keep leading with confidence and purpose.
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