98. Why High-Achieving Women Overexplain: From Convincing to Convicted
Why did i keep talking?
Have you ever walked out of a meeting thinking, “Why did I say so much?” You made your point, someone challenged it, and suddenly you found yourself explaining, defending, and repeating your perspective because you needed them to understand.
In this episode, I’m exploring the subtle difference between convincing energy and convicted energy. High-achieving women often overexplain not because they lack knowledge or confidence, but because they become emotionally attached to getting someone else to see things the way they see them. The moment you move from “this is what I believe” to “I need you to believe me,” you start giving away your authority.
You’ll learn how to recognize when you’ve shifted from conviction into convincing, why overexplaining can weaken your leadership presence, and a three-step practice to return to a more grounded, convicted energy. This episode will help you communicate clearly, stay curious without abandoning your position, and lead conversations with more authority and less emotional weight.
Interested in working with me? Book a free 1:1 consultation here!
What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why high-achieving women overexplain and how convincing energy can weaken your authority.
The difference between convincing someone to agree with you and communicating from convicted energy.
How to recognize the physical and emotional signs that you’ve shifted into convincing energy.
Three steps to move from convincing to convicted.
How to communicate your perspective clearly without needing someone else’s agreement in order to trust yourself.
How to hold your position, listen with curiosity, and lead conversations with greater presence and authority.
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Episodes Related to Why High-Achieving Women Overexplain:
95. Why Brilliant Women Struggle to Advocate for Themselves (Self-Advocacy Isn’t Selfish)
96. Assertive Communication for Women Leaders: How to Speak with Conviction
Full Episode Transcript:
If you've ever walked out of a meeting thinking, why did I say so much, this episode is for you. Maybe you made your point clearly, then somebody challenged it. And suddenly, you're explaining, defending, giving yet another example, repeating yourself in a slightly different way because underneath all those words is this feeling: They just have to understand.
Here's what I want to show you today. That feeling may be the very thing weakening your authority. Because there's a huge difference between speaking with conviction and speaking with convincing energy. And by the end of this episode, you're going to know how to tell the difference in real time. And I'll show you exactly what to do instead. Because the goal isn't to care less, and it isn't to become passive, and it definitely isn't to stop advocating for what you believe in. It's to be able to say, this is what I believe, I can stand firmly behind it, and I don't need to make you believe it in order for me to trust myself.
If you can do that, you'll use fewer words, have more powerful, impactful conversations, and stop giving away your authority trying to get everyone else to understand. Let's dive in.
Welcome to The Balanced Leader, hosted by Yann Dang, a Leadership and Life Coach with over 20 years of corporate experience. Drawing from her journey as a former global finance leader and second-generation immigrant, Yann understands the unique challenges women face in male-dominated workplaces.
Each episode offers insights on balancing masculine and feminine energies, mastering soft skills and building emotional intelligence. Join us to transform frustration into empowerment and unlock your authentic leadership potential.
Hey podcast listeners, welcome to today's episode. I am so excited to talk to you about convincing energy versus convicted energy. I know that the last episode on assertive communication was super popular, and I wanted to dive into it even deeper by talking about this sometimes subtle, sometimes unsettled difference. This energy that we have when we really care about something and we really want people to understand. So, I want you to notice yourself in this because there is a line and there is an energy that happens when you really need somebody to understand, right?
So, I actually think this is helpful if I give you some personal examples. I know you all love my dating examples, but I will bring in some business examples too. I just remember a time when I was doing my personal growth work. I was getting coaching and it was so important to me. And when I was dating, I was dating this guy who I was like convincing that he needed to do growth work. I was so like feeling in so much scarcity about my ability to have a relationship that I remember talking to my friend about it, and it was a guy in my growth group. And I was like, it's so important that he does this.
And as I was explaining this, and I was like, listen, you know, we don't know how to be in relationships, and I need somebody who understands themselves in order for them to understand me. And I was saying all of these things, and the guy that I was talking to, which was just my friend, was like, whoa, I just feel so much anxiety as you're talking. Like, he was just being really honest with me and he was just like, oh my gosh, this is what your boyfriend probably feels when you talk about this subject because there is just something that you hold so heavy and I feel really anxious. Like I feel like you're trapping me in a corner and I can't even think on my own. I just feel all this pressure coming from you and all this energy coming from you and lots and lots of words.
Like that was really what he said to me, which I totally appreciated because I know this is a dating example, but it's also a work example. You know, if you think about it, if there was a time when you are debating something, maybe it's with your boss or your team members, and you just go into over-explaining and you hold this like really heavy energy and it's like this energy where you're like, you have just got to believe me. You really, really need to understand this. You know, and there's just so much emotion that often times, the person you're with, like feels like you're not going to be emotionally okay if they think something else and they'll just disconnect because they're like, this is too much. Like this person's energy is like trying to consume me.
I actually do this too. Like if I'm talking to somebody and they're trying to sell me something and their sales energy is so high, I like just disconnect. I like almost I'm just like, I can't talk to you anymore. And that is the convincing energy, right? I want you to understand this because often times it is the thing that keeps women from feeling grounded, powerful, and convicted. And it has people, especially men, tuning them out. They're like, oh great, here comes Sarah, leaking with anxiety, telling all these stories. I'm just going to zone out now because this is just too heavy for me. Like that is what a lot of people think when they are feeling like this convincing energy.
So I want you to ask yourself, when you are noticing this in yourself, how badly do you need this person to understand you? When you're like, oh wait, am I actually dipping into convincing energy or am I convicted, clear and grounded and authoritative? Or am I emotionally in need of somebody to believe something for me to be okay, for me to feel safe in my own body? So if you can ask yourself this question, how badly do I need this person to understand on a scale of one to 10? One being, I'd like you to understand, but it's okay if you don't. That's the one. That's a more disconnected, more detached, but still connected to yourself. Like I'd like you to understand, but I'm not going to shove it in your face. And then 10 is, oh my god, you have to understand. This is so, so important. It's this intensity, right?
And sometimes, you know, it's a tricky leadership line because we are in the business of influencing people. And our emotional intensity sometimes helps people to do that, to be convicted, to be clear. But you need to know when you are in convincing energy because this is where you lose your power. So if you ask yourself from one to 10, because if you're at a seven, eight, nine, or 10, I want you to pay attention. Not because you're wrong, not because your point isn't important, and definitely not because you shouldn't care.
I want you to pay attention because you may have moved from what again, I call convicted energy into convincing energy. And those are two different things that feel completely different in your body and to the people that you're speaking to. Conviction says, I strongly believe in this. Convincing says, I strongly believe in this and I need you to believe it too. So today I'm going to teach you how to tell the difference because if you ever walk out of a meeting thinking, why did I say so much? If you've ever explained your point and then explained it again and again, if you've ever found yourself getting more and more flustered because someone just doesn't get it, this episode is for you. And I'm going to give you a simple three-step practice you can use the next time you feel yourself trying too hard to make someone understand.
All right. Well, let's kick off. I know I gave you an example of my own personal life and this convincing energy and the impact that it has on other people, right? Convincing energy has a feeling to it and you need to notice it within your body. This is where you can say, whoa, what just happened here? Because we want to be convicted. We want to feel authority and clear and say what's so. But it is a subtle, sometimes subtle line where you move into this emotional heaviness. So have you felt it? You're talking to someone and you can almost feel yourself leaning towards them energetically. Come on, get it. See what I'm saying. Believe me. Maybe you start talking faster. Maybe you repeat yourself. Maybe you bring in another example. Maybe you start listing evidence. Maybe you start thinking about what you're going to say next while they're still talking.
And here's a really interesting question. What happens emotionally inside you when they don't agree? Did you get irritated? Do you feel dismissed? Do you explain more? Do you start questioning or doubting yourself? Do you think maybe I didn't explain it well enough? And so you try again. That's the heaviness I'm talking about, right? And there is something about being tenacious and persistent, but still being connected to you.
When you move into convincing energy, you are no longer strongly connected to yourself. You're more connected to the idea of convincing somebody else into something that you think is so important. Because that difference, right, is giving someone information because it's useful and giving someone more and more information because you need a particular response from them. That's when convincing energy enters the story.
So, the harder you work to convince someone of your authority, the harder it can become for them to actually experience you as the authority, right? Because if you think about senior leaders, they're not going around convincing people to think about them as the authority. A leader who knows that they are a really good leader, they take their time. They have their executive pauses. They're not in the convincing proving game. They know they have power and authority. They know their words are important and will land the first time. They don't need to convince people. They can be convicted in themselves and they can come up with important points and arguments, but without putting their whole sort of self-worth or emotional okayness on the line.
When you're convincing, that's when you do that, right? So you've got to notice that in yourself. When you're convicted, you're clear, you're authoritative, and you are connected and with yourself. And you use this unconflicted energy to draw people into you. You're not pushing them in a corner like convincing energy. Because you're no longer simply standing behind what you believe when you are convincing. You're chasing for their agreement. And when you're chasing, you give them the power. You give them the power over your okayness.
All right, so, let's go back to your person. Picture them again, that time when you're like convincing someone. How badly do I need them to understand? I want you to think about that, like where you were like, wow, I really was more in this convincing energy. Now, here's an important distinction. I'm not asking how important is this to me? Something can be incredibly important to you, 10 out of 10. You can deeply care about it. You can have decades of experience supporting your position. You can believe a decision could have serious consequences. That's not the problem. The question is, how much do I need them to see it the way I see it in order for me to be okay?
This actually comes up so much in politics and has so many people having emotionally tense conversations because they feel like their whole being is on the line in talking about these things, right? Especially when they bring in morality and just and unjust, right? There's this heaviness. That's why a lot of people are like, I don't talk about politics, right? People experience this as super heavy and charged and people are like, I don't want to have this conversation with people if they're bringing all of this crazy emotion to it. I, you know, don't want to feel like they're convincing me of something. Convicted is different. Convicted is like, I feel really strongly about this.
So I'll bring it back to my dating example because there was a time when I was very convicted. I was actually dating my boyfriend who is now my husband, and he took me out for breakfast and he literally asked me, hey, so being married is really important to you, right? And I said, yes, it is. And that's all I said. I didn't explain it to him. I didn't say why. I mean, if he asked me, I'm sure he asked me some questions afterwards, but it was just very point blank. It was totally different than that whole conversation where I'm like trying to convince my boyfriend to do growth work, right? Because I didn't feel okay.
He just asked me in a very curious way and I answered in a very grounded, convicted way. And I didn't feel like I needed to convince him because he's just somebody I'm dating. Like we're dating, we're getting to know each other. Yes, I would like to get married to him someday and I did, but in that moment, I was with myself and that was the convicted energy. I'm not convincing, I'm not over-explaining. I'm just saying, yes, I do want to get married and I want to have kids someday, which are two things my husband never ever wanted, by the way. But I didn't convince him, right?
And actually, if I did convince him, I don't think we'd be very happy right now because when you convince someone, you're like almost putting them in a corner and you're not giving them the space to have their own agency and thoughts. They're doing something because they feel some emotional pressure to do it versus being like, oh, this is just who she is. This is what she wants. I get to make a decision. I have agency. There's no pressure here. I get to come to my own conclusion. That is a much more powerful energy to lead with this conviction because it gives people space to think and feel and decide.
So, I want you to notice this for yourself because if it's at a three out of that one to 10, that's a great place to be. If you're at a five or six, just get a little curious. What do I want them to understand? What is it that part of me that needs them? If you're at a seven or above, notice the energy in your body. Because somewhere along the way, you may have shifted from, here's what I believe, to I need you to believe me. And when that happens, your communication often changes. Your sentences get longer, your explanations multiply. You might speak in a faster pace. Your curiosity goes down, and your emotional investment in their response goes way up. It's like, I really need you to understand this, right? Or things are not going to be okay with us, with me, all of the things, right?
So, what does this look like at work? Let's make this really tangible. Imagine you're a senior leader. You probably are a leader if you're listening to this podcast. Your boss comes to you and wants your team to take on yet another major initiative. You've looked at the workload, you've looked at the resources, you've looked at the priorities. And your assessment is, we don't have capacity unless something moves. Your boss says, I really need your team to own this. You say, I don't recommend adding this to our scope unless we're willing to move one of our existing priorities. Clear. Then your boss says, I disagree. I think the team can handle it.
Okay, freeze. What happens in your body right there? Because this is the moment. Do you immediately think, she doesn't understand? And then when you start thinking that way, well, you start explaining. Well, the reason I'm saying this is because we have the integration happening and we're already behind Q4 projects, and Mary's team is down a person, and if you remember last quarter, your boss pushes back again. And what do you do? More evidence, more examples, more explaining. And suddenly you're no longer simply communicating your recommendation. You're building a case.
And now, let's try the same conversation from conviction. You say to your boss, I don't recommend adding this unless you're willing to move an existing priority. Your boss, I disagree. I think your team can handle it. Pause. And instead of immediately defending your position, you ask, okay, what are you seeing that I'm not? That's a very different conversation. And I want you to notice something. You're not collapsing. You're not saying, okay, we'll do whatever you want, right? You're saying, oh, you're right. You're also not fighting. You're curious. Maybe she'll tell you something you haven't considered. And maybe you'll say, I see your point. Now here's where a lot of women get tripped up because somehow we've decided if I can see your point, I have to give up mine.
This is the big one. This was a big one for me at work and in relationships. If I empathize with somebody else's point or understand them, then I must be giving up my worldview. And that was really hard for me. But actually, it's just not true. We have a choice. We have a choice to discern and to say, "Hey, you've got this thought and I have this thought, and we can agree to disagree." You can actually say that. People say that all the time.
Or you can say, "Hey, I can see why you're looking at it this way. I'm still concerned about capacity and my recommendation is that we move one of the existing priorities." Do you feel the difference where you can actually say, "Hey, I can see why you'd think this isn't a big deal. But let me be clear about our capacity." And maybe go in some detail, but without overexplaining. You can say, "I can see your point without abandoning my own." That is what it is all about.
And a big thing about this convincing energy is that you lose curiosity. Again, you're losing connection with yourself, you're likely losing connection with them, and you definitely lose connection with your ability to be curious about the problem. You kind of go into this survival mode, like "I must have this. I need to have this." So I want to challenge you here because sometimes we perform curiosity too. We know what to say. You can pretend to be a curious open person without actually being an open and truly curious person.
So, we can say, "What do you think?" But we're not actually curious. We're waiting for them to finish so that we can give them a counterpoint. Have you ever done that? I have. So ask yourself, am I actually willing to hear something that could change my mind? That's an important question because if you are stuck and you're closed off to hearing what they have to say, truly hearing it, you're not fully present. You're not fully present to things that are going on. And for me, what I call executive presence is having the mental and emotional capacity to be clear and open with other people and to have space for that. When you're mentally and emotionally tied and gripping onto something, to an idea, to somebody needing to understand something, you lose that presence. You lose that curiosity.
Because conviction isn't rigid. Conviction isn't, "I'm right and you're wrong end of discussion." That's defensiveness dressed up as confidence. Real conviction says, "This is what I believe based on what I currently know. And I'm secure enough in my thinking to hear yours. Maybe you'll tell me something I didn't know. Maybe it changes my perspective. Great. Changing my mind doesn't mean I wasn't powerful. It means I received new information, new data. And maybe I listen to everything you say and I still disagree." That's okay too. I don't have to make you wrong in order for me to remain right for myself.
All right. So those are some of the examples because when I am convincing, in my examples with dating, convincing something, it's that something is not okay. That convincing energy, there's so much emotional weight in it and you will notice it in your body. You will notice yourself carrying that you must believe this. You notice it when you're really charged up and you're almost taking way more responsibility over something and over somebody else's thought process and decision process than necessary. And you feel like your livelihood, self-worth, ego, or how you see yourself is somehow at stake. When that is not the case. But that is the case when we are in that convincing energy. It is typically this scarcity and the survival pattern that comes up.
So, I want you to notice because if you can give people space to have their own thoughts and feelings and to be curious, this is where those leadership moments typically happen. You can disarm people with your curiosity. You can disarm people with your level of conviction and still being curious. It is really important to know the difference because I think sometimes when we're like, "Yeah, I'm convicted. I believe this," we start diving into convincing, and that doesn't really get us very far because we're overexplaining. We feel this person in front of us has so much power over us.
So you really need to notice that difference in yourself and in your body of, when I'm convicted, it doesn't matter what other people think. I'm going to be clear and I'm going to show up for me, and I'm going to be curious about another person.
So, here are the three steps to reset when you're like, "Oh my gosh, I am at a seven, eight or a nine in that this person must believe me." Number one, notice the need. Ask yourself, how badly do I need them to understand me right now? Check in with your body. Are you leaning forward? Are you talking faster? Are you getting hot and frustrated? Are you repeating yourself, thinking about your next argument instead of actually being present and listening? You don't have to judge it. Just notice it. "I'm at an eight right now." Say it to yourself. That's useful information because even you recognizing the pattern will help you consciously slow down. And now you have a choice.
Which brings us to number two, which is what do I actually believe? What's the clean sentence underneath all the explaining? What would you say if you didn't need this person to believe that? So if I go back to, if I didn't need my boyfriend at the time to do growth work, what would I say? I would say, "It's really important for me to be with somebody who is growing the same way I'm growing." And then period end of story. I don't need to keep going and harping it at home or putting on a guilt trip. So ask yourself that question, "What do I believe?" How do I say what I believe in the most clear, concise way without a lot of words, without a lot of convincing?
It might sound like, "I don't recommend moving forward. I want that role. I disagree. I need another headcount. I'm not willing to take that on. Yes, I want to be married." Find your sentence. Then ask yourself, "Can I let that sentence stand on its own?" Can you let it be what you're convicted in?
And then number three is get curious. Instead of producing another argument, trying to convince them, trying to overcome whatever objection it is through more and more words, get really curious. This is disarming. This is powerful. And truly get into that presence because people can tell when you're asking a question just to jump in and say something else. It's a very different feeling when people are genuinely curious. It creates trust, it creates safety, it creates rapport.
So, you ask things like, "What are you seeing that I'm not? Tell me more about your perspective. What concerns you about my recommendation? What would you need to see things differently?" And then actually listen. This is the practice. Firm in myself, curious about you.
Say that again to yourself, especially when you're feeling that you are in that convincing energy. I'm firm and grounded in myself and I'm curious about you. That's convicted energy. And here's how you'll know you're practicing conviction. Can you hear "no" without immediately making another argument? Can you hear "I disagree" without feeling compelled to prove yourself? Can you hear "I don't think you're ready" and respond, "Tell me more"? Can you see somebody else's point of view without immediately abandoning yours? And maybe the hardest one is, can somebody misunderstand you and you could still be okay?
I actually just coached a woman on this today where there was another senior woman who was pretty defensive, still didn't seem okay with her recommendation. But the reality was, it wasn't she was standing in their way of the recommendation. She was just not happy about it and complaining. But I told my client, "You have a choice. That it's okay to be misunderstood by this person or for this person to have uncomfortable, negative feelings. You can have conversations with her, but you do not need to convince her. You already know that you are the decision maker.
And if she has a problem, she can ask you directly. You do not need to circle around trying to make her understand or make her feel comfortable. That is not your job." And that's where a lot of women end up burning out because they care so much and they feel, "I need to get everybody on board." No, you don't. You don't need to get everybody on board. You're the leader. You make the choice. You stand by your decisions. You are responsible.
So, I want you to notice yourself. This is going to be so important as you are continuing to work on your own assertive communication. And it's so important to say, "I communicate what was true for me clearly. Their response belongs to them." This is kind of bringing it back Mel Robbins style, let them, let them. And I know sometimes as women, we don't want to. We want no person left behind. But in leadership and in life, you don't need to convince people, but you do need to be convicted in you. And oftentimes, women don't spend enough time understanding why they're convicted in their own thing, and they spend too much time fighting other people's battles or trying to make it okay for everyone else.
So I want you to really practice this for yourself, this convincing versus convicted, because it will not only have you showing up as a more powerful, potent leader. It will also have you conserving your energy for the really important fights and the really important things that you need to be convicted about. Because conviction takes energy as well. It's just more grounded and rooted in you and you're more connected to yourself, and you're more curious about the other person. Whereas convincing, that's a lot of energy. You're putting a lot on the line. You're going to feel exhausted. You're going to probably burn out if you're constantly convincing people around you.
So, ask yourself, "How badly do I need someone to understand me? One to 10." If you're above a seven, notice it. Then ask, "What do I actually believe?" Understand yourself, connect to yourself. This is where you trust yourself. What would I ask if I became curious instead of trying to convince them? That's it. Notice. Get curious. Because convicted energy isn't, "I'm right and you're wrong." It's, "I know what I believe. I can communicate it clearly. I can hear what you believe and I can see your point of view without abandoning my own. And I don't need to convince you in order to trust myself."
That is the biggest thing. If you notice yourself needing to convince someone to feel safe in your body or to trust yourself, you are already in convincing energy. So, the next time you feel that emotional heaviness, "They just have to understand." Catch your thoughts, catch the sensations in your body. Check your number, one to 10. If you're at a seven or higher, come back to yourself. Connect to you. Say what you know, what's important to you and get curious about yourself and them. You can be firm and strong in what you believe and you can still be curious about them. That's conviction.
All right, folks, that was today's episode. It is not an easy one to catch, but I promise you, if you go to school on yourself, you're going to be able to notice the subtle patterns in your mind and in your body and in your voice, and you're going to be able to shift out of convincing and move to convicted, which is a big piece of what I teach in my command container. Learning how to build that self-trust, the emotional capacity to hold your emotions without the emotions leading you, and to be able to have that inner authority within yourself so that you're not putting your whole worthiness or okayness onto somebody else. This is the difference.
All right, have a beautiful week ahead. I'd love to hear how this episode lands for you, how you're catching yourself, and how it's impacting your life. Because I promise if you can be convicted and not jump into convincing, you're going to feel more powerful. People are going to say, "Wow, there's something different about her. She's confident, she's clear. She doesn't overexplain she used to." This is going to be huge.
So, let me know, find me on LinkedIn. I'd love to chat with you. You can also reach me at my email address, connect@aspire-coaching.co. I want to hear how everything is landing for you. And I can't wait to see you next week. Take care and have a beautiful week. Bye.
Thank you for being a part of The Balanced Leader community. We hope you found today's episode inspiring and actionable. For more resources and to connect with Yann, visit us at aspire-coaching.co. Until next time, keep leading with confidence and purpose.
Here's what I want to show you today. That feeling may be the very thing weakening your authority. Because there's a huge difference between speaking with conviction and speaking with convincing energy. And by the end of this episode, you're going to know how to tell the difference in real time. And I'll show you exactly what to do instead. Because the goal isn't to care less, and it isn't to become passive, and it definitely isn't to stop advocating for what you believe in. It's to be able to say, this is what I believe, I can stand firmly behind it, and I don't need to make you believe it in order for me to trust myself.
If you can do that, you'll use fewer words, have more powerful, impactful conversations, and stop giving away your authority trying to get everyone else to understand. Let's dive in.
Welcome to The Balanced Leader, hosted by Yann Dang, a Leadership and Life Coach with over 20 years of corporate experience. Drawing from her journey as a former global finance leader and second-generation immigrant, Yann understands the unique challenges women face in male-dominated workplaces.
Each episode offers insights on balancing masculine and feminine energies, mastering soft skills and building emotional intelligence. Join us to transform frustration into empowerment and unlock your authentic leadership potential.
Hey podcast listeners, welcome to today's episode. I am so excited to talk to you about convincing energy versus convicted energy. I know that the last episode on assertive communication was super popular, and I wanted to dive into it even deeper by talking about this sometimes subtle, sometimes unsettled difference. This energy that we have when we really care about something and we really want people to understand. So, I want you to notice yourself in this because there is a line and there is an energy that happens when you really need somebody to understand, right?
So, I actually think this is helpful if I give you some personal examples. I know you all love my dating examples, but I will bring in some business examples too. I just remember a time when I was doing my personal growth work. I was getting coaching and it was so important to me. And when I was dating, I was dating this guy who I was like convincing that he needed to do growth work. I was so like feeling in so much scarcity about my ability to have a relationship that I remember talking to my friend about it, and it was a guy in my growth group. And I was like, it's so important that he does this.
And as I was explaining this, and I was like, listen, you know, we don't know how to be in relationships, and I need somebody who understands themselves in order for them to understand me. And I was saying all of these things, and the guy that I was talking to, which was just my friend, was like, whoa, I just feel so much anxiety as you're talking. Like, he was just being really honest with me and he was just like, oh my gosh, this is what your boyfriend probably feels when you talk about this subject because there is just something that you hold so heavy and I feel really anxious. Like I feel like you're trapping me in a corner and I can't even think on my own. I just feel all this pressure coming from you and all this energy coming from you and lots and lots of words.
Like that was really what he said to me, which I totally appreciated because I know this is a dating example, but it's also a work example. You know, if you think about it, if there was a time when you are debating something, maybe it's with your boss or your team members, and you just go into over-explaining and you hold this like really heavy energy and it's like this energy where you're like, you have just got to believe me. You really, really need to understand this. You know, and there's just so much emotion that often times, the person you're with, like feels like you're not going to be emotionally okay if they think something else and they'll just disconnect because they're like, this is too much. Like this person's energy is like trying to consume me.
I actually do this too. Like if I'm talking to somebody and they're trying to sell me something and their sales energy is so high, I like just disconnect. I like almost I'm just like, I can't talk to you anymore. And that is the convincing energy, right? I want you to understand this because often times it is the thing that keeps women from feeling grounded, powerful, and convicted. And it has people, especially men, tuning them out. They're like, oh great, here comes Sarah, leaking with anxiety, telling all these stories. I'm just going to zone out now because this is just too heavy for me. Like that is what a lot of people think when they are feeling like this convincing energy.
So I want you to ask yourself, when you are noticing this in yourself, how badly do you need this person to understand you? When you're like, oh wait, am I actually dipping into convincing energy or am I convicted, clear and grounded and authoritative? Or am I emotionally in need of somebody to believe something for me to be okay, for me to feel safe in my own body? So if you can ask yourself this question, how badly do I need this person to understand on a scale of one to 10? One being, I'd like you to understand, but it's okay if you don't. That's the one. That's a more disconnected, more detached, but still connected to yourself. Like I'd like you to understand, but I'm not going to shove it in your face. And then 10 is, oh my god, you have to understand. This is so, so important. It's this intensity, right?
And sometimes, you know, it's a tricky leadership line because we are in the business of influencing people. And our emotional intensity sometimes helps people to do that, to be convicted, to be clear. But you need to know when you are in convincing energy because this is where you lose your power. So if you ask yourself from one to 10, because if you're at a seven, eight, nine, or 10, I want you to pay attention. Not because you're wrong, not because your point isn't important, and definitely not because you shouldn't care.
I want you to pay attention because you may have moved from what again, I call convicted energy into convincing energy. And those are two different things that feel completely different in your body and to the people that you're speaking to. Conviction says, I strongly believe in this. Convincing says, I strongly believe in this and I need you to believe it too. So today I'm going to teach you how to tell the difference because if you ever walk out of a meeting thinking, why did I say so much? If you've ever explained your point and then explained it again and again, if you've ever found yourself getting more and more flustered because someone just doesn't get it, this episode is for you. And I'm going to give you a simple three-step practice you can use the next time you feel yourself trying too hard to make someone understand.
All right. Well, let's kick off. I know I gave you an example of my own personal life and this convincing energy and the impact that it has on other people, right? Convincing energy has a feeling to it and you need to notice it within your body. This is where you can say, whoa, what just happened here? Because we want to be convicted. We want to feel authority and clear and say what's so. But it is a subtle, sometimes subtle line where you move into this emotional heaviness. So have you felt it? You're talking to someone and you can almost feel yourself leaning towards them energetically. Come on, get it. See what I'm saying. Believe me. Maybe you start talking faster. Maybe you repeat yourself. Maybe you bring in another example. Maybe you start listing evidence. Maybe you start thinking about what you're going to say next while they're still talking.
And here's a really interesting question. What happens emotionally inside you when they don't agree? Did you get irritated? Do you feel dismissed? Do you explain more? Do you start questioning or doubting yourself? Do you think maybe I didn't explain it well enough? And so you try again. That's the heaviness I'm talking about, right? And there is something about being tenacious and persistent, but still being connected to you.
When you move into convincing energy, you are no longer strongly connected to yourself. You're more connected to the idea of convincing somebody else into something that you think is so important. Because that difference, right, is giving someone information because it's useful and giving someone more and more information because you need a particular response from them. That's when convincing energy enters the story.
So, the harder you work to convince someone of your authority, the harder it can become for them to actually experience you as the authority, right? Because if you think about senior leaders, they're not going around convincing people to think about them as the authority. A leader who knows that they are a really good leader, they take their time. They have their executive pauses. They're not in the convincing proving game. They know they have power and authority. They know their words are important and will land the first time. They don't need to convince people. They can be convicted in themselves and they can come up with important points and arguments, but without putting their whole sort of self-worth or emotional okayness on the line.
When you're convincing, that's when you do that, right? So you've got to notice that in yourself. When you're convicted, you're clear, you're authoritative, and you are connected and with yourself. And you use this unconflicted energy to draw people into you. You're not pushing them in a corner like convincing energy. Because you're no longer simply standing behind what you believe when you are convincing. You're chasing for their agreement. And when you're chasing, you give them the power. You give them the power over your okayness.
All right, so, let's go back to your person. Picture them again, that time when you're like convincing someone. How badly do I need them to understand? I want you to think about that, like where you were like, wow, I really was more in this convincing energy. Now, here's an important distinction. I'm not asking how important is this to me? Something can be incredibly important to you, 10 out of 10. You can deeply care about it. You can have decades of experience supporting your position. You can believe a decision could have serious consequences. That's not the problem. The question is, how much do I need them to see it the way I see it in order for me to be okay?
This actually comes up so much in politics and has so many people having emotionally tense conversations because they feel like their whole being is on the line in talking about these things, right? Especially when they bring in morality and just and unjust, right? There's this heaviness. That's why a lot of people are like, I don't talk about politics, right? People experience this as super heavy and charged and people are like, I don't want to have this conversation with people if they're bringing all of this crazy emotion to it. I, you know, don't want to feel like they're convincing me of something. Convicted is different. Convicted is like, I feel really strongly about this.
So I'll bring it back to my dating example because there was a time when I was very convicted. I was actually dating my boyfriend who is now my husband, and he took me out for breakfast and he literally asked me, hey, so being married is really important to you, right? And I said, yes, it is. And that's all I said. I didn't explain it to him. I didn't say why. I mean, if he asked me, I'm sure he asked me some questions afterwards, but it was just very point blank. It was totally different than that whole conversation where I'm like trying to convince my boyfriend to do growth work, right? Because I didn't feel okay.
He just asked me in a very curious way and I answered in a very grounded, convicted way. And I didn't feel like I needed to convince him because he's just somebody I'm dating. Like we're dating, we're getting to know each other. Yes, I would like to get married to him someday and I did, but in that moment, I was with myself and that was the convicted energy. I'm not convincing, I'm not over-explaining. I'm just saying, yes, I do want to get married and I want to have kids someday, which are two things my husband never ever wanted, by the way. But I didn't convince him, right?
And actually, if I did convince him, I don't think we'd be very happy right now because when you convince someone, you're like almost putting them in a corner and you're not giving them the space to have their own agency and thoughts. They're doing something because they feel some emotional pressure to do it versus being like, oh, this is just who she is. This is what she wants. I get to make a decision. I have agency. There's no pressure here. I get to come to my own conclusion. That is a much more powerful energy to lead with this conviction because it gives people space to think and feel and decide.
So, I want you to notice this for yourself because if it's at a three out of that one to 10, that's a great place to be. If you're at a five or six, just get a little curious. What do I want them to understand? What is it that part of me that needs them? If you're at a seven or above, notice the energy in your body. Because somewhere along the way, you may have shifted from, here's what I believe, to I need you to believe me. And when that happens, your communication often changes. Your sentences get longer, your explanations multiply. You might speak in a faster pace. Your curiosity goes down, and your emotional investment in their response goes way up. It's like, I really need you to understand this, right? Or things are not going to be okay with us, with me, all of the things, right?
So, what does this look like at work? Let's make this really tangible. Imagine you're a senior leader. You probably are a leader if you're listening to this podcast. Your boss comes to you and wants your team to take on yet another major initiative. You've looked at the workload, you've looked at the resources, you've looked at the priorities. And your assessment is, we don't have capacity unless something moves. Your boss says, I really need your team to own this. You say, I don't recommend adding this to our scope unless we're willing to move one of our existing priorities. Clear. Then your boss says, I disagree. I think the team can handle it.
Okay, freeze. What happens in your body right there? Because this is the moment. Do you immediately think, she doesn't understand? And then when you start thinking that way, well, you start explaining. Well, the reason I'm saying this is because we have the integration happening and we're already behind Q4 projects, and Mary's team is down a person, and if you remember last quarter, your boss pushes back again. And what do you do? More evidence, more examples, more explaining. And suddenly you're no longer simply communicating your recommendation. You're building a case.
And now, let's try the same conversation from conviction. You say to your boss, I don't recommend adding this unless you're willing to move an existing priority. Your boss, I disagree. I think your team can handle it. Pause. And instead of immediately defending your position, you ask, okay, what are you seeing that I'm not? That's a very different conversation. And I want you to notice something. You're not collapsing. You're not saying, okay, we'll do whatever you want, right? You're saying, oh, you're right. You're also not fighting. You're curious. Maybe she'll tell you something you haven't considered. And maybe you'll say, I see your point. Now here's where a lot of women get tripped up because somehow we've decided if I can see your point, I have to give up mine.
This is the big one. This was a big one for me at work and in relationships. If I empathize with somebody else's point or understand them, then I must be giving up my worldview. And that was really hard for me. But actually, it's just not true. We have a choice. We have a choice to discern and to say, "Hey, you've got this thought and I have this thought, and we can agree to disagree." You can actually say that. People say that all the time.
Or you can say, "Hey, I can see why you're looking at it this way. I'm still concerned about capacity and my recommendation is that we move one of the existing priorities." Do you feel the difference where you can actually say, "Hey, I can see why you'd think this isn't a big deal. But let me be clear about our capacity." And maybe go in some detail, but without overexplaining. You can say, "I can see your point without abandoning my own." That is what it is all about.
And a big thing about this convincing energy is that you lose curiosity. Again, you're losing connection with yourself, you're likely losing connection with them, and you definitely lose connection with your ability to be curious about the problem. You kind of go into this survival mode, like "I must have this. I need to have this." So I want to challenge you here because sometimes we perform curiosity too. We know what to say. You can pretend to be a curious open person without actually being an open and truly curious person.
So, we can say, "What do you think?" But we're not actually curious. We're waiting for them to finish so that we can give them a counterpoint. Have you ever done that? I have. So ask yourself, am I actually willing to hear something that could change my mind? That's an important question because if you are stuck and you're closed off to hearing what they have to say, truly hearing it, you're not fully present. You're not fully present to things that are going on. And for me, what I call executive presence is having the mental and emotional capacity to be clear and open with other people and to have space for that. When you're mentally and emotionally tied and gripping onto something, to an idea, to somebody needing to understand something, you lose that presence. You lose that curiosity.
Because conviction isn't rigid. Conviction isn't, "I'm right and you're wrong end of discussion." That's defensiveness dressed up as confidence. Real conviction says, "This is what I believe based on what I currently know. And I'm secure enough in my thinking to hear yours. Maybe you'll tell me something I didn't know. Maybe it changes my perspective. Great. Changing my mind doesn't mean I wasn't powerful. It means I received new information, new data. And maybe I listen to everything you say and I still disagree." That's okay too. I don't have to make you wrong in order for me to remain right for myself.
All right. So those are some of the examples because when I am convincing, in my examples with dating, convincing something, it's that something is not okay. That convincing energy, there's so much emotional weight in it and you will notice it in your body. You will notice yourself carrying that you must believe this. You notice it when you're really charged up and you're almost taking way more responsibility over something and over somebody else's thought process and decision process than necessary. And you feel like your livelihood, self-worth, ego, or how you see yourself is somehow at stake. When that is not the case. But that is the case when we are in that convincing energy. It is typically this scarcity and the survival pattern that comes up.
So, I want you to notice because if you can give people space to have their own thoughts and feelings and to be curious, this is where those leadership moments typically happen. You can disarm people with your curiosity. You can disarm people with your level of conviction and still being curious. It is really important to know the difference because I think sometimes when we're like, "Yeah, I'm convicted. I believe this," we start diving into convincing, and that doesn't really get us very far because we're overexplaining. We feel this person in front of us has so much power over us.
So you really need to notice that difference in yourself and in your body of, when I'm convicted, it doesn't matter what other people think. I'm going to be clear and I'm going to show up for me, and I'm going to be curious about another person.
So, here are the three steps to reset when you're like, "Oh my gosh, I am at a seven, eight or a nine in that this person must believe me." Number one, notice the need. Ask yourself, how badly do I need them to understand me right now? Check in with your body. Are you leaning forward? Are you talking faster? Are you getting hot and frustrated? Are you repeating yourself, thinking about your next argument instead of actually being present and listening? You don't have to judge it. Just notice it. "I'm at an eight right now." Say it to yourself. That's useful information because even you recognizing the pattern will help you consciously slow down. And now you have a choice.
Which brings us to number two, which is what do I actually believe? What's the clean sentence underneath all the explaining? What would you say if you didn't need this person to believe that? So if I go back to, if I didn't need my boyfriend at the time to do growth work, what would I say? I would say, "It's really important for me to be with somebody who is growing the same way I'm growing." And then period end of story. I don't need to keep going and harping it at home or putting on a guilt trip. So ask yourself that question, "What do I believe?" How do I say what I believe in the most clear, concise way without a lot of words, without a lot of convincing?
It might sound like, "I don't recommend moving forward. I want that role. I disagree. I need another headcount. I'm not willing to take that on. Yes, I want to be married." Find your sentence. Then ask yourself, "Can I let that sentence stand on its own?" Can you let it be what you're convicted in?
And then number three is get curious. Instead of producing another argument, trying to convince them, trying to overcome whatever objection it is through more and more words, get really curious. This is disarming. This is powerful. And truly get into that presence because people can tell when you're asking a question just to jump in and say something else. It's a very different feeling when people are genuinely curious. It creates trust, it creates safety, it creates rapport.
So, you ask things like, "What are you seeing that I'm not? Tell me more about your perspective. What concerns you about my recommendation? What would you need to see things differently?" And then actually listen. This is the practice. Firm in myself, curious about you.
Say that again to yourself, especially when you're feeling that you are in that convincing energy. I'm firm and grounded in myself and I'm curious about you. That's convicted energy. And here's how you'll know you're practicing conviction. Can you hear "no" without immediately making another argument? Can you hear "I disagree" without feeling compelled to prove yourself? Can you hear "I don't think you're ready" and respond, "Tell me more"? Can you see somebody else's point of view without immediately abandoning yours? And maybe the hardest one is, can somebody misunderstand you and you could still be okay?
I actually just coached a woman on this today where there was another senior woman who was pretty defensive, still didn't seem okay with her recommendation. But the reality was, it wasn't she was standing in their way of the recommendation. She was just not happy about it and complaining. But I told my client, "You have a choice. That it's okay to be misunderstood by this person or for this person to have uncomfortable, negative feelings. You can have conversations with her, but you do not need to convince her. You already know that you are the decision maker.
And if she has a problem, she can ask you directly. You do not need to circle around trying to make her understand or make her feel comfortable. That is not your job." And that's where a lot of women end up burning out because they care so much and they feel, "I need to get everybody on board." No, you don't. You don't need to get everybody on board. You're the leader. You make the choice. You stand by your decisions. You are responsible.
So, I want you to notice yourself. This is going to be so important as you are continuing to work on your own assertive communication. And it's so important to say, "I communicate what was true for me clearly. Their response belongs to them." This is kind of bringing it back Mel Robbins style, let them, let them. And I know sometimes as women, we don't want to. We want no person left behind. But in leadership and in life, you don't need to convince people, but you do need to be convicted in you. And oftentimes, women don't spend enough time understanding why they're convicted in their own thing, and they spend too much time fighting other people's battles or trying to make it okay for everyone else.
So I want you to really practice this for yourself, this convincing versus convicted, because it will not only have you showing up as a more powerful, potent leader. It will also have you conserving your energy for the really important fights and the really important things that you need to be convicted about. Because conviction takes energy as well. It's just more grounded and rooted in you and you're more connected to yourself, and you're more curious about the other person. Whereas convincing, that's a lot of energy. You're putting a lot on the line. You're going to feel exhausted. You're going to probably burn out if you're constantly convincing people around you.
So, ask yourself, "How badly do I need someone to understand me? One to 10." If you're above a seven, notice it. Then ask, "What do I actually believe?" Understand yourself, connect to yourself. This is where you trust yourself. What would I ask if I became curious instead of trying to convince them? That's it. Notice. Get curious. Because convicted energy isn't, "I'm right and you're wrong." It's, "I know what I believe. I can communicate it clearly. I can hear what you believe and I can see your point of view without abandoning my own. And I don't need to convince you in order to trust myself."
That is the biggest thing. If you notice yourself needing to convince someone to feel safe in your body or to trust yourself, you are already in convincing energy. So, the next time you feel that emotional heaviness, "They just have to understand." Catch your thoughts, catch the sensations in your body. Check your number, one to 10. If you're at a seven or higher, come back to yourself. Connect to you. Say what you know, what's important to you and get curious about yourself and them. You can be firm and strong in what you believe and you can still be curious about them. That's conviction.
All right, folks, that was today's episode. It is not an easy one to catch, but I promise you, if you go to school on yourself, you're going to be able to notice the subtle patterns in your mind and in your body and in your voice, and you're going to be able to shift out of convincing and move to convicted, which is a big piece of what I teach in my command container. Learning how to build that self-trust, the emotional capacity to hold your emotions without the emotions leading you, and to be able to have that inner authority within yourself so that you're not putting your whole worthiness or okayness onto somebody else. This is the difference.
All right, have a beautiful week ahead. I'd love to hear how this episode lands for you, how you're catching yourself, and how it's impacting your life. Because I promise if you can be convicted and not jump into convincing, you're going to feel more powerful. People are going to say, "Wow, there's something different about her. She's confident, she's clear. She doesn't overexplain she used to." This is going to be huge.
So, let me know, find me on LinkedIn. I'd love to chat with you. You can also reach me at my email address, connect@aspire-coaching.co. I want to hear how everything is landing for you. And I can't wait to see you next week. Take care and have a beautiful week. Bye.
Thank you for being a part of The Balanced Leader community. We hope you found today's episode inspiring and actionable. For more resources and to connect with Yann, visit us at aspire-coaching.co. Until next time, keep leading with confidence and purpose.
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