73. How High-Achieving Women Leaders Move From Survival Mode to Command Energy
There is an energy that moves you forward, and it’s not hustle, perfection, or being the smartest person in the room. It’s the energy you carry when you walk into any room. And if you’re finding leadership feels heavier lately, it’s likely because you’ve been leading from survival energy.
Here’s the reality: As women, we’ve been conditioned to be prepared, agreeable, and responsible, but at senior levels, that same energy becomes tension. Tension reads as uncertainty, even when you’re certain. Command energy is about being grounded, clear, and unwavering, even in high-stakes moments. It’s a different kind of power: one that isn’t about proving, but about knowing your value and showing up with confidence.
Tune in this week as I dive into the distinction between survival energy and command energy. I walk you through how women who lead from command energy stop asking for permission and start trusting their own authority. We’ll explore why desire isn’t enough to lead you to the next level, and how emotional regulation, not emotional reaction, can change how people respond to you. If you’re ready to stop managing perception and start commanding your space, this episode is for you.
Women who take their leadership seriously don't wait for influence to happen — they architect it. Strategic Command™ is where we align both — so you stop hoping to be chosen and start positioning yourself with intention. Join us March 19.
What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why survival energy doesn’t lead to lasting success - and how it creates burnout.
How to cultivate command energy for strategic, grounded leadership.
The difference between emotional reaction and emotional containment in leadership.
Why leading from command energy shifts how others respond to you.
How to interrupt self-doubt and lead with clarity and conviction.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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Watch my TEDx talk: Reclaiming anger: A woman’s birthright
Episodes Related to How High-Achieving Women Leaders Move From Survival Mode to Command Energy:
49. The Executive Pause: How Leaders Command a Room with Silence
59, Survival Masks in Women’s Leadership: What They Are & How to Break Free
Full Episode Transcript:
There is an energy that advances you. And it's not hustle, it's not perfection, and it's not being the smartest woman in the room. It's the energy you hold in the room. I've coached hundreds of women who were already high-performing, already respected, already operating at senior levels, but they were exhausted. Not because they weren't capable, but because they were leading from survival energy.
Overpreparing, overexplaining, overanticipating, managing everyone else's reactions before they even happen. And here's what most women don't realize. You can be effective from survival, but you cannot command from it. There is a different energy that changes how people respond to you. And today, I want to break that down.
Welcome to The Balanced Leader, hosted by Yann Dang, a Leadership and Life Coach with over 20 years of corporate experience. Drawing from her journey as a former global finance leader and second-generation immigrant, Yann understands the unique challenges women face in male-dominated workplaces.
Each episode offers insights on balancing masculine and feminine energies, mastering soft skills, and building emotional intelligence. Join us to transform frustration into empowerment and unlock your authentic leadership potential.
All right, hey podcast listeners, welcome to today's episode. I have a little bit of a cold, so please ignore my coughing and we will have a great time here. This is a very powerful episode. I'm excited to be back here with you all. It's been a bit of time since I've recorded. And what I want to share with you is the energy that wins. This is such a big and important piece because so many women that come to me are exhausted. And they're playing a game that they are not winning at, they're not having fun at, and I want to break down the energy that wins today because it's oftentimes this energy that women, when they hear me talk about it, they're like, yes, I want that. I need that, right? This is what I've been missing. But I want to break it down for you of what it is, why it's so important, and how I've learned about it in my corporate years and how I have learned to train with it and why today I help other women learn to have this energy.
Let's first kick off. If you are a woman leading in a male-dominated environment, there is something subtle happening beneath the surface. You might be constantly scanning, is this the right tone? Am I being too direct? Am I being too soft? Do I need more data? How will he take this? Did that land wrong? Is he in a good mood? Is he in a bad mood? Is this the right time to talk? That internal scanning is not weakness. It's conditioning. We were rewarded early in our careers and in our lives as many young girls for being prepared, agreeable, and responsible. But at senior levels, that same energy becomes tension. And tension reads as uncertainty, even when you are certain. You might be certain about the facts, you might be certain about what you're recommending, but there's something inside of you that energetically is not aligned.
This is where the invisible ceiling forms. Not from a lack of intelligence, not from a lack of capability, but from energetic misalignment. You are still leading from proving energy instead of commanding energy, and people can feel that.
So I wanted to do this specific episode because I think oftentimes women are at an inflection point in their careers where they're like, what I was doing before is not working. And I need to do things differently, but I don't know how. This episode is 100% for you. I'm going to dive into survival energy versus command energy. And I want to share for you all that I actually got to witness this really early in my career. I think I shared before in other episodes how I in my early 20s was part of this financial consolidation team. So I was the analyst in the room that was hearing all of the things during these big budget meetings that people were having.
So my CEO and CFO were the divisional heads of a big division. It was about a billion dollars all together. And so oftentimes, right during budget season, these leaders would come to them to get approval on their budget. And I would study these people in the meeting because of course I'm taking notes and doing the back-end financials to be able to help them present to our parent company. But I had a front-row seat in the dynamics of what was happening and the energy exchange in what was happening. And I remember just being like, wow, this CEO is looking at this CEO in the face and getting eye contact and saying, I want to hear you say, I will deliver these numbers.
And it seemed so strange to me in this moment of these two senior people. There's a huge deck in front of them. It's like 100 pages. But really what I heard my CEO say, the divisional CEO, say to this other man who was leading one of the business units within the company, he said, I want to hear you look in my eyes and say you're going to deliver these numbers. And it seemed so emotional actually, but I realized that this is the intensity at this level. There is attention, right? Yes, you can read a lot of things on paper, but at the end of the day, you want to know and you want to feel, actually, it's not so much knowing. You want to feel the certainty coming from the leader that is actually leading the charge. The person that has to hold the reins. You want to feel that level of certainty. We can't always predict the future, but you can in that moment decide, I'm the best person for this job. I am the one that's holding down the fort. I have a stake in the ground. That is command energy. And that is something that hasn't been taught to women, right? And oftentimes women have been conditioned to be more in this proving, helpful energy and not take command.
So I want you to understand this because this energy level match changes everything, and it is something that you can train yourself into and on if you are aware of this. So I want to give you another example. Just keep in mind, it's interesting because these examples are more from men and men perspective, but I've seen women do this as well, right? And I've of course, over the course of the years of me being in these spaces, I've had to hold the discomfort and the tension of those silent pauses. We will have a link to the executive pause, which is super important, but it is part of this energy exchange and match that happens.
So this weekend, my husband and I were invited to a couple's home that he knows well. They wanted to invite us into their house which was so beautiful. They are multi-multimillionaires and they are very grounded people. You know, they didn't come from a lot of money. They've built everything themselves. And it was just great to be in their presence and chat with them and talk to them. And we were after dinner at their bonfire outside. It was so lovely and we're chatting. And this guy was talking about the very first big deal that he made. He was basically sharing with my husband and I how there was this huge deal that he was making. And he was at the table, the power table. And the guys looked at him and said, How do we know you're going to be able to deliver this? He was offering a service and they were basically asking him, how do we know you can deliver this in that kind of tone, right? And what I want you to hear now because this is exactly what I teach other women to hold, right? When somebody gives you that tone, they're almost pushing the anxiety on you, right? They're literally like, how do we know we can trust you? Is really what he was saying.
And so this man said, you know what I did? I pushed my chair back. I stood up and I said, how do I know I can trust you? Right? So he basically took the energy, the anxiety, and turned it back on them. And what I had said is, wow, you match their energy, right? He matched their energy. They were looking for certainty. And he could have been convincing them that he was certain, but instead, he turned it on them and said, how do I know you're going to be able to deliver? You know, and he didn't have to use a ton of words, but he pushed it back on them, right? Because they're they're both entrepreneurs trying to build something, right? So the power position is actually more mutual and the fact that he was able to take up that space and turn it back on them, right? Instead of going into survival energy, he moved into command and said, how can I trust you? And what it got them to do was start telling him why they could do it, right? And in that moment, that certainty that he brought sealed the deal.
A few days later, they sent over paperwork and they wanted to work with him. Why? Because the energy that wins is the energy that is most certain, that is most grounded. And I'm going to break it down for you, but this is command energy. When you're in survival energy, it's tight. It feels hyper-vigilant. It's managing optics. It's trying to secure safety in the room. It's almost like you're taking that one step down and saying, I'm inferior, so I must work harder to get even into mutuality with you. And command energy is not superior. It's more mutual and grounded. So it's not saying, hey, I'm so much better than you. It's actually meeting the moment. This command energy is grounded, it's measured, it's not rushed, it doesn't chase approval, and it doesn't overcorrect mid-sentence, right? Overcorrecting could look like, hey, if you don't trust me, I'm walking out. That's more survival energy going into superiority, right? But command energy is about self-trust. It is about meeting the moment and bringing that certainty into the moment.
So I'm going to break down more of what I mean by command energy. But this is so important because in moments, in meetings where there is this intensity, oftentimes women collapse into that energy, right? They're like, whoa, this is too intense. I've got to move back. But what I train women in my containers is to meet that energy, meet that tension where it's at. And this trust, it's felt before it's heard. It's you trusting yourself and bringing that certainty of you in that moment and that's the shift that happens. And that shift is not about personality. It's not about being louder. It's not about being more assertive. It's about nervous system regulation and internal authority. Internal authority is again about you, your relationship with yourself.
So let's break down the three energies that advance you. Of course, I'm going to start with certainty, but I want to share with you, you know, when I've been in meetings where it's high stress, high intensity, you know, where people are arguing, where there is conflict in the room, if I'm grounded and I'm in command, I can very clearly say, these are our choices. And I say it in a way that brings certainty. This is what I recommend and this is why. But without the convincing, it's like this is what's happening, right? You take up that space, but you're not convincing people. You're just saying this is what's so and these are the consequences. But it requires me to be connected to myself and to be attuned to myself in order to bring out that certainty.
So, let's start with this very first one, which we're talking about, right? Certainty. Certainty is not arrogance. You can also be certain in yourself that this is the best path forward without knowing 100% what's going to happen. I think a lot of times as women, we've been conditioned to go after safety, to feel like we need to 100%, right, we can't apply for this job unless we have 100% of the skill sets. Whereas men are much more certain about their capability and trust themselves to figure it out. So they go for roles, right, and send their resume in when it's like 60%. They're going for that promotion even though it's going to stretch them, right? They have less of this fear, and they bring more certainty because of that.
So, certainty is self-trust under pressure. It is that part of you that you need to train that muscle and it looks like saying less, pausing instead of filling in the silence. Oftentimes, women don't like the silence. And so they fill it in with a lot of nervous energy and this is where your authority leaks out of you. It's not reexplaining your point when someone else's challenges it, and it's not defending before you're asked. It's knowing you belong without performing for belonging. You can feel when someone has certainty in them. You can feel that energy. They don't need to convince you. They just state. And that's what's powerful.
Certainty doesn't come from experience alone. It comes from identity alignment. You have 20 years of experience and still speak from doubt, or you have five years and speak from grounded authority. This is an internal thing, right? And you've probably met it. You've probably seen also during this time as it's been the Olympics, right? And I think so many women and men are amazed by these female athletes that are winning the gold medals and they are so calm and convicted and composed and certain in themselves.
And why it's surprising and disarming is this is the work most women in the corporate world skip. They think certainty will come from a title, and it doesn't. It comes when they recalibrate who they believe they are in the room. It's not about the gold medal, it's about you choosing that you belong here. It's about knowing that you bring value no matter what. That is the certainty. So sometimes women are so focused on knowing all the facts and details because they think there's safety in that. And the way I thought about it, because definitely being in these rooms where people just hold the certainty and this identity, I always believe that I am capable and that I bring value no matter what. Not from a convincing way. I'm just like, I know, I can solve problems. And if I know I can solve problems and I can ask good questions in order to solve problems, there's no problem I can't solve. Or there's no problem I can't bring value to. It is an identity that I hold within myself. And so wherever I go, that's the identity I bring.
So I want you to pause and think about you. What is your identity? What is the identity you bring to whatever room you go into? And this is from a place of expansion. If you're noticing, wow, I notice when I'm with my team, my direct reports, I bring this identity of I know what I'm doing. I've got it all together. I can be commanding. I feel safe in myself. I don't need to overexplain. But I notice my identity when I'm in the room with senior level people, with the C-suite members, I notice my identity shrinking back. And it's not the identity that I want. It's not the commanding identity. It's maybe more of that survival energy that shows up. And I want you to see this and be honest with yourself because this is the growth. This is the game. It is a practice. It is a skill set. It is what I teach women in my containers to recalibrate, to expand your identity, to bring certainty to wherever you are.
Because what is it to be a leader? Being a leader is truly bringing certainty to uncertain situations. So certainty is always going to win. That is actually the energy that brings the whole room to more of a neutral state where they can start calibrating to your energy because they like the way certainty feels in them, especially if they're like, this is somebody that's certain and grounded, we can trust this person, right? That's that certainty. And it often comes from a different place, which is clarity.
Clarity is executive thinking under pressure. Again, if my mind is, I bring certainty to any uncertain situation, right? There's a clarity in that. There's a groundedness in that. Most women lose clarity when emotionally activated. When they're spending more time worrying about other people's emotions instead of attuning to their own. It's not because they aren't smart, it's because their nervous system spikes, and when your nervous system spikes, you move into reaction versus responsibility. So reaction leads to over-talking, defending, taking on too much, saying I'll take that on, right? Fighting the wrong battles because you're not clear and you're not conserving your energy.
Clarity asks different questions. This is where clarity can really be that grounding force. These questions are more like, what actually will move the needle here? Is this about ego or strategy? What outcome do I want long-term? Who actually holds decision power in this room or for this decision? Clarity zooms out. It doesn't get hijacked by the momentary tension, right? It's not in survival mode. It has that ability to be perspective. It has that ability to zoom out and see a bigger perspective. And this is where strategic discernment lives. Not every comment deserves a correction. Not every disagreement deserves your nervous system, and not every challenge deserves your emotional labor. That is power.
I was recently asked during a workshop called How to Be Heard in a Room Full of Men about how this woman was like, I was so triggered. We listened to audio exercises together to notice our own triggers in them. And there was a comment, you know, in this word where the person said, if you smiled more, you know, that was some of the feedback, but then there was other feedback that was really helpful. And what we noticed, right, she was like, I notice that if I attached myself to if you smile more, I would get more angry and not much more wanting to be open to hear what else this person had to say, right?
And I said, you know, this is the power of strategic discernment. Knowing, wow, this part of what he said triggers me and makes me not want to hear what he has to say, and it makes me think that he's full of biased and maybe he's full of BS. But then there's another part of me that's like, hey, I want to hear what else he has to say because the other stuff is actually important and I think I could get something out of it, right? This discernment of being able to say, I don't have to listen to 100% of what somebody says. I can pick the parts that are going to be most beneficial to me, right? That gives you the ability to zoom out and make conscious choices in the moment. So you can say, I don't like that thing that he said, but I like these other things and I am here grounded and clear and I can ask more questions, right?
So this is super powerful, your ability to zoom out and say that, right? Like even when I'm in an argument with my husband, I can notice, okay, that's a truth, that is something I agree with, that is something I don't agree with, but I can slowly decide what is it that I want to be focused on. And it's almost like slowing down time, but it's because I'm attuned to myself emotionally and I'm having this ability to zoom out so I can get more clear. This is about nervous system regulation and it is about your identity in the moment. What is showing up for you? If I feel certain in myself that I can handle what's happening to me in the moment, I can meet the moment with more certainty.
So let's talk about the third one, which is composure, right? Composure is power under activation. You are activated. Something is upsetting you, but you are still composed. And I want to be clear about something. Composure is not suppression. It is not swallowing your anger. It is not shrinking intensity. It is not becoming nice in the moment. It is regulated expression. It is the feeling that heat rises, but you choose your delivery. It's noticing frustration and channeling it strategically. This is where so many women get mislabeled. If you suppress emotion, you disconnect. If you explode, you lose credibility. But what if you integrate emotion? What if you harnessed your emotion and used that emotion to become steady and steady wins the room, certainty always wins the room.
If you haven't listened to my TEDx talk yet, go listen to it. We'll put it in the show notes, but this is how I used anger. I used it in order to help me with my composure. Composure is what allows you to hold tension without collapsing or attacking or defending. And when you do that, people lean towards you, right? This was exactly what I talked about in my TEDx talk. I had a boss, he was super intense, super abrasive, very reactive. In that talk, I specifically talk about what I did, how I was able to hold that fire, ground myself in the conflict, and use that energy as fuel in order to speak up for myself, in order to hold more groundedness, in order to redirect in a powerful way. So you have to meet that moment with your energy and your emotion. And composure, right, helps to have that grounded integration.
So that's what it is, right? That's the energy. If you can bring certainty, integrate your emotions with that certainty, still say what it is that you feel and do it in a grounding and authoritative way, if that's what that energy needs in that moment, then you will win. Right? You will win, right? When I say win, it's like you're not winning something, right? You are in command of yourself in that moment and you will more likely be heard.
And this is not an easy skill, but it is simple and doable. And part of what I do in my containers with coaching women is we practice this over and over again, where you get to see yourself, where you get to attune to yourself, where you get to bring certainty to again, uncertain situations. And the real cost of not mastering this is really what we're seeing in today's world, where there are just lots of senior women leaving because they are done with the survival game. They're ready to play something else, right? So if you don't build certainty, clarity, and composure within yourself, you can stay effective. There is a lot of very, very effective women that are in survival mode. Getting stuff done, checking off boxes, but they're unseen at the next level. They're not strategic, they're not visible. They're good doers, but they're not the leaders that people will want to bet on. You will burn out managing rooms instead of leading them. You'll get labeled as emotional when you're just activated, right? A lot of women I talk about is like, I'm cool and I'm calm and collected until I'm not. So that tolerance level builds up because that emotion isn't being used in the moments that it needs to be. And so when that tension builds up, then there's an explosion. Or you become super hard and when you're just tired of everything, you want to just quit and you want to have no emotions and you don't even want to talk to your colleagues because you're like, they don't get it, right?
So this is the ceiling, you know, it's set at your skill set of you not owning these skills, but you can learn it. It's your energetic command, and that's what I teach women, how to own their command. Command, again, is not control. It's about being composed, it's about bringing certain to uncertain situations. And no one teaches women this. They teach strategy, they teach executive presence scripts, they negotiate tactics, right? But what I'm talking about here is nervous system mastery and identity recalibration. That is the difference.
This is a bigger, more expansive game. It is a game that will activate you and have you showing up in your life and in relationship with yourself in a deeper, deeper way. And you will become the person who can hold the tension and bring certainty. You can be just like those men I talked about, or like even as I was talking about, you can be that power in the room that holds the tension, that says what's so with certainty. That is the energy that wins. And you can choose to be that person every single day. It is a practice.
All right. If this episode hits something for you, it's not random. If you're noticing yourself wanting to share this with someone else also that is notices themselves overexplaining and not holding their own in rooms, especially with lots of tension, I want you to share this episode with them. This work is life-changing. I've seen it. It's changed my life. It's changed the women that I coached's life. And if it's hitting you, it means you're already aware that overworking is no longer working for you.
So, if that's you, I want you to join me in my upcoming workshop, join me in my group coaching. Both are designed for women who are already successful but refuse to burn out to advance. And if you felt seen in this episode, it is your cue. Not to consume more, to move, because the energy that advances you is the one you choose to build. All right, I will see you soon. Take good care. Bye my friends.
Thank you for being a part of The Balanced Leader community. We hope you found today's episode inspiring and actionable. For more resources and to connect with Yann, visit us at aspire-coaching.co. Until next time, keep leading with confidence and purpose.
Overpreparing, overexplaining, overanticipating, managing everyone else's reactions before they even happen. And here's what most women don't realize. You can be effective from survival, but you cannot command from it. There is a different energy that changes how people respond to you. And today, I want to break that down.
Welcome to The Balanced Leader, hosted by Yann Dang, a Leadership and Life Coach with over 20 years of corporate experience. Drawing from her journey as a former global finance leader and second-generation immigrant, Yann understands the unique challenges women face in male-dominated workplaces.
Each episode offers insights on balancing masculine and feminine energies, mastering soft skills, and building emotional intelligence. Join us to transform frustration into empowerment and unlock your authentic leadership potential.
All right, hey podcast listeners, welcome to today's episode. I have a little bit of a cold, so please ignore my coughing and we will have a great time here. This is a very powerful episode. I'm excited to be back here with you all. It's been a bit of time since I've recorded. And what I want to share with you is the energy that wins. This is such a big and important piece because so many women that come to me are exhausted. And they're playing a game that they are not winning at, they're not having fun at, and I want to break down the energy that wins today because it's oftentimes this energy that women, when they hear me talk about it, they're like, yes, I want that. I need that, right? This is what I've been missing. But I want to break it down for you of what it is, why it's so important, and how I've learned about it in my corporate years and how I have learned to train with it and why today I help other women learn to have this energy.
Let's first kick off. If you are a woman leading in a male-dominated environment, there is something subtle happening beneath the surface. You might be constantly scanning, is this the right tone? Am I being too direct? Am I being too soft? Do I need more data? How will he take this? Did that land wrong? Is he in a good mood? Is he in a bad mood? Is this the right time to talk? That internal scanning is not weakness. It's conditioning. We were rewarded early in our careers and in our lives as many young girls for being prepared, agreeable, and responsible. But at senior levels, that same energy becomes tension. And tension reads as uncertainty, even when you are certain. You might be certain about the facts, you might be certain about what you're recommending, but there's something inside of you that energetically is not aligned.
This is where the invisible ceiling forms. Not from a lack of intelligence, not from a lack of capability, but from energetic misalignment. You are still leading from proving energy instead of commanding energy, and people can feel that.
So I wanted to do this specific episode because I think oftentimes women are at an inflection point in their careers where they're like, what I was doing before is not working. And I need to do things differently, but I don't know how. This episode is 100% for you. I'm going to dive into survival energy versus command energy. And I want to share for you all that I actually got to witness this really early in my career. I think I shared before in other episodes how I in my early 20s was part of this financial consolidation team. So I was the analyst in the room that was hearing all of the things during these big budget meetings that people were having.
So my CEO and CFO were the divisional heads of a big division. It was about a billion dollars all together. And so oftentimes, right during budget season, these leaders would come to them to get approval on their budget. And I would study these people in the meeting because of course I'm taking notes and doing the back-end financials to be able to help them present to our parent company. But I had a front-row seat in the dynamics of what was happening and the energy exchange in what was happening. And I remember just being like, wow, this CEO is looking at this CEO in the face and getting eye contact and saying, I want to hear you say, I will deliver these numbers.
And it seemed so strange to me in this moment of these two senior people. There's a huge deck in front of them. It's like 100 pages. But really what I heard my CEO say, the divisional CEO, say to this other man who was leading one of the business units within the company, he said, I want to hear you look in my eyes and say you're going to deliver these numbers. And it seemed so emotional actually, but I realized that this is the intensity at this level. There is attention, right? Yes, you can read a lot of things on paper, but at the end of the day, you want to know and you want to feel, actually, it's not so much knowing. You want to feel the certainty coming from the leader that is actually leading the charge. The person that has to hold the reins. You want to feel that level of certainty. We can't always predict the future, but you can in that moment decide, I'm the best person for this job. I am the one that's holding down the fort. I have a stake in the ground. That is command energy. And that is something that hasn't been taught to women, right? And oftentimes women have been conditioned to be more in this proving, helpful energy and not take command.
So I want you to understand this because this energy level match changes everything, and it is something that you can train yourself into and on if you are aware of this. So I want to give you another example. Just keep in mind, it's interesting because these examples are more from men and men perspective, but I've seen women do this as well, right? And I've of course, over the course of the years of me being in these spaces, I've had to hold the discomfort and the tension of those silent pauses. We will have a link to the executive pause, which is super important, but it is part of this energy exchange and match that happens.
So this weekend, my husband and I were invited to a couple's home that he knows well. They wanted to invite us into their house which was so beautiful. They are multi-multimillionaires and they are very grounded people. You know, they didn't come from a lot of money. They've built everything themselves. And it was just great to be in their presence and chat with them and talk to them. And we were after dinner at their bonfire outside. It was so lovely and we're chatting. And this guy was talking about the very first big deal that he made. He was basically sharing with my husband and I how there was this huge deal that he was making. And he was at the table, the power table. And the guys looked at him and said, How do we know you're going to be able to deliver this? He was offering a service and they were basically asking him, how do we know you can deliver this in that kind of tone, right? And what I want you to hear now because this is exactly what I teach other women to hold, right? When somebody gives you that tone, they're almost pushing the anxiety on you, right? They're literally like, how do we know we can trust you? Is really what he was saying.
And so this man said, you know what I did? I pushed my chair back. I stood up and I said, how do I know I can trust you? Right? So he basically took the energy, the anxiety, and turned it back on them. And what I had said is, wow, you match their energy, right? He matched their energy. They were looking for certainty. And he could have been convincing them that he was certain, but instead, he turned it on them and said, how do I know you're going to be able to deliver? You know, and he didn't have to use a ton of words, but he pushed it back on them, right? Because they're they're both entrepreneurs trying to build something, right? So the power position is actually more mutual and the fact that he was able to take up that space and turn it back on them, right? Instead of going into survival energy, he moved into command and said, how can I trust you? And what it got them to do was start telling him why they could do it, right? And in that moment, that certainty that he brought sealed the deal.
A few days later, they sent over paperwork and they wanted to work with him. Why? Because the energy that wins is the energy that is most certain, that is most grounded. And I'm going to break it down for you, but this is command energy. When you're in survival energy, it's tight. It feels hyper-vigilant. It's managing optics. It's trying to secure safety in the room. It's almost like you're taking that one step down and saying, I'm inferior, so I must work harder to get even into mutuality with you. And command energy is not superior. It's more mutual and grounded. So it's not saying, hey, I'm so much better than you. It's actually meeting the moment. This command energy is grounded, it's measured, it's not rushed, it doesn't chase approval, and it doesn't overcorrect mid-sentence, right? Overcorrecting could look like, hey, if you don't trust me, I'm walking out. That's more survival energy going into superiority, right? But command energy is about self-trust. It is about meeting the moment and bringing that certainty into the moment.
So I'm going to break down more of what I mean by command energy. But this is so important because in moments, in meetings where there is this intensity, oftentimes women collapse into that energy, right? They're like, whoa, this is too intense. I've got to move back. But what I train women in my containers is to meet that energy, meet that tension where it's at. And this trust, it's felt before it's heard. It's you trusting yourself and bringing that certainty of you in that moment and that's the shift that happens. And that shift is not about personality. It's not about being louder. It's not about being more assertive. It's about nervous system regulation and internal authority. Internal authority is again about you, your relationship with yourself.
So let's break down the three energies that advance you. Of course, I'm going to start with certainty, but I want to share with you, you know, when I've been in meetings where it's high stress, high intensity, you know, where people are arguing, where there is conflict in the room, if I'm grounded and I'm in command, I can very clearly say, these are our choices. And I say it in a way that brings certainty. This is what I recommend and this is why. But without the convincing, it's like this is what's happening, right? You take up that space, but you're not convincing people. You're just saying this is what's so and these are the consequences. But it requires me to be connected to myself and to be attuned to myself in order to bring out that certainty.
So, let's start with this very first one, which we're talking about, right? Certainty. Certainty is not arrogance. You can also be certain in yourself that this is the best path forward without knowing 100% what's going to happen. I think a lot of times as women, we've been conditioned to go after safety, to feel like we need to 100%, right, we can't apply for this job unless we have 100% of the skill sets. Whereas men are much more certain about their capability and trust themselves to figure it out. So they go for roles, right, and send their resume in when it's like 60%. They're going for that promotion even though it's going to stretch them, right? They have less of this fear, and they bring more certainty because of that.
So, certainty is self-trust under pressure. It is that part of you that you need to train that muscle and it looks like saying less, pausing instead of filling in the silence. Oftentimes, women don't like the silence. And so they fill it in with a lot of nervous energy and this is where your authority leaks out of you. It's not reexplaining your point when someone else's challenges it, and it's not defending before you're asked. It's knowing you belong without performing for belonging. You can feel when someone has certainty in them. You can feel that energy. They don't need to convince you. They just state. And that's what's powerful.
Certainty doesn't come from experience alone. It comes from identity alignment. You have 20 years of experience and still speak from doubt, or you have five years and speak from grounded authority. This is an internal thing, right? And you've probably met it. You've probably seen also during this time as it's been the Olympics, right? And I think so many women and men are amazed by these female athletes that are winning the gold medals and they are so calm and convicted and composed and certain in themselves.
And why it's surprising and disarming is this is the work most women in the corporate world skip. They think certainty will come from a title, and it doesn't. It comes when they recalibrate who they believe they are in the room. It's not about the gold medal, it's about you choosing that you belong here. It's about knowing that you bring value no matter what. That is the certainty. So sometimes women are so focused on knowing all the facts and details because they think there's safety in that. And the way I thought about it, because definitely being in these rooms where people just hold the certainty and this identity, I always believe that I am capable and that I bring value no matter what. Not from a convincing way. I'm just like, I know, I can solve problems. And if I know I can solve problems and I can ask good questions in order to solve problems, there's no problem I can't solve. Or there's no problem I can't bring value to. It is an identity that I hold within myself. And so wherever I go, that's the identity I bring.
So I want you to pause and think about you. What is your identity? What is the identity you bring to whatever room you go into? And this is from a place of expansion. If you're noticing, wow, I notice when I'm with my team, my direct reports, I bring this identity of I know what I'm doing. I've got it all together. I can be commanding. I feel safe in myself. I don't need to overexplain. But I notice my identity when I'm in the room with senior level people, with the C-suite members, I notice my identity shrinking back. And it's not the identity that I want. It's not the commanding identity. It's maybe more of that survival energy that shows up. And I want you to see this and be honest with yourself because this is the growth. This is the game. It is a practice. It is a skill set. It is what I teach women in my containers to recalibrate, to expand your identity, to bring certainty to wherever you are.
Because what is it to be a leader? Being a leader is truly bringing certainty to uncertain situations. So certainty is always going to win. That is actually the energy that brings the whole room to more of a neutral state where they can start calibrating to your energy because they like the way certainty feels in them, especially if they're like, this is somebody that's certain and grounded, we can trust this person, right? That's that certainty. And it often comes from a different place, which is clarity.
Clarity is executive thinking under pressure. Again, if my mind is, I bring certainty to any uncertain situation, right? There's a clarity in that. There's a groundedness in that. Most women lose clarity when emotionally activated. When they're spending more time worrying about other people's emotions instead of attuning to their own. It's not because they aren't smart, it's because their nervous system spikes, and when your nervous system spikes, you move into reaction versus responsibility. So reaction leads to over-talking, defending, taking on too much, saying I'll take that on, right? Fighting the wrong battles because you're not clear and you're not conserving your energy.
Clarity asks different questions. This is where clarity can really be that grounding force. These questions are more like, what actually will move the needle here? Is this about ego or strategy? What outcome do I want long-term? Who actually holds decision power in this room or for this decision? Clarity zooms out. It doesn't get hijacked by the momentary tension, right? It's not in survival mode. It has that ability to be perspective. It has that ability to zoom out and see a bigger perspective. And this is where strategic discernment lives. Not every comment deserves a correction. Not every disagreement deserves your nervous system, and not every challenge deserves your emotional labor. That is power.
I was recently asked during a workshop called How to Be Heard in a Room Full of Men about how this woman was like, I was so triggered. We listened to audio exercises together to notice our own triggers in them. And there was a comment, you know, in this word where the person said, if you smiled more, you know, that was some of the feedback, but then there was other feedback that was really helpful. And what we noticed, right, she was like, I notice that if I attached myself to if you smile more, I would get more angry and not much more wanting to be open to hear what else this person had to say, right?
And I said, you know, this is the power of strategic discernment. Knowing, wow, this part of what he said triggers me and makes me not want to hear what he has to say, and it makes me think that he's full of biased and maybe he's full of BS. But then there's another part of me that's like, hey, I want to hear what else he has to say because the other stuff is actually important and I think I could get something out of it, right? This discernment of being able to say, I don't have to listen to 100% of what somebody says. I can pick the parts that are going to be most beneficial to me, right? That gives you the ability to zoom out and make conscious choices in the moment. So you can say, I don't like that thing that he said, but I like these other things and I am here grounded and clear and I can ask more questions, right?
So this is super powerful, your ability to zoom out and say that, right? Like even when I'm in an argument with my husband, I can notice, okay, that's a truth, that is something I agree with, that is something I don't agree with, but I can slowly decide what is it that I want to be focused on. And it's almost like slowing down time, but it's because I'm attuned to myself emotionally and I'm having this ability to zoom out so I can get more clear. This is about nervous system regulation and it is about your identity in the moment. What is showing up for you? If I feel certain in myself that I can handle what's happening to me in the moment, I can meet the moment with more certainty.
So let's talk about the third one, which is composure, right? Composure is power under activation. You are activated. Something is upsetting you, but you are still composed. And I want to be clear about something. Composure is not suppression. It is not swallowing your anger. It is not shrinking intensity. It is not becoming nice in the moment. It is regulated expression. It is the feeling that heat rises, but you choose your delivery. It's noticing frustration and channeling it strategically. This is where so many women get mislabeled. If you suppress emotion, you disconnect. If you explode, you lose credibility. But what if you integrate emotion? What if you harnessed your emotion and used that emotion to become steady and steady wins the room, certainty always wins the room.
If you haven't listened to my TEDx talk yet, go listen to it. We'll put it in the show notes, but this is how I used anger. I used it in order to help me with my composure. Composure is what allows you to hold tension without collapsing or attacking or defending. And when you do that, people lean towards you, right? This was exactly what I talked about in my TEDx talk. I had a boss, he was super intense, super abrasive, very reactive. In that talk, I specifically talk about what I did, how I was able to hold that fire, ground myself in the conflict, and use that energy as fuel in order to speak up for myself, in order to hold more groundedness, in order to redirect in a powerful way. So you have to meet that moment with your energy and your emotion. And composure, right, helps to have that grounded integration.
So that's what it is, right? That's the energy. If you can bring certainty, integrate your emotions with that certainty, still say what it is that you feel and do it in a grounding and authoritative way, if that's what that energy needs in that moment, then you will win. Right? You will win, right? When I say win, it's like you're not winning something, right? You are in command of yourself in that moment and you will more likely be heard.
And this is not an easy skill, but it is simple and doable. And part of what I do in my containers with coaching women is we practice this over and over again, where you get to see yourself, where you get to attune to yourself, where you get to bring certainty to again, uncertain situations. And the real cost of not mastering this is really what we're seeing in today's world, where there are just lots of senior women leaving because they are done with the survival game. They're ready to play something else, right? So if you don't build certainty, clarity, and composure within yourself, you can stay effective. There is a lot of very, very effective women that are in survival mode. Getting stuff done, checking off boxes, but they're unseen at the next level. They're not strategic, they're not visible. They're good doers, but they're not the leaders that people will want to bet on. You will burn out managing rooms instead of leading them. You'll get labeled as emotional when you're just activated, right? A lot of women I talk about is like, I'm cool and I'm calm and collected until I'm not. So that tolerance level builds up because that emotion isn't being used in the moments that it needs to be. And so when that tension builds up, then there's an explosion. Or you become super hard and when you're just tired of everything, you want to just quit and you want to have no emotions and you don't even want to talk to your colleagues because you're like, they don't get it, right?
So this is the ceiling, you know, it's set at your skill set of you not owning these skills, but you can learn it. It's your energetic command, and that's what I teach women, how to own their command. Command, again, is not control. It's about being composed, it's about bringing certain to uncertain situations. And no one teaches women this. They teach strategy, they teach executive presence scripts, they negotiate tactics, right? But what I'm talking about here is nervous system mastery and identity recalibration. That is the difference.
This is a bigger, more expansive game. It is a game that will activate you and have you showing up in your life and in relationship with yourself in a deeper, deeper way. And you will become the person who can hold the tension and bring certainty. You can be just like those men I talked about, or like even as I was talking about, you can be that power in the room that holds the tension, that says what's so with certainty. That is the energy that wins. And you can choose to be that person every single day. It is a practice.
All right. If this episode hits something for you, it's not random. If you're noticing yourself wanting to share this with someone else also that is notices themselves overexplaining and not holding their own in rooms, especially with lots of tension, I want you to share this episode with them. This work is life-changing. I've seen it. It's changed my life. It's changed the women that I coached's life. And if it's hitting you, it means you're already aware that overworking is no longer working for you.
So, if that's you, I want you to join me in my upcoming workshop, join me in my group coaching. Both are designed for women who are already successful but refuse to burn out to advance. And if you felt seen in this episode, it is your cue. Not to consume more, to move, because the energy that advances you is the one you choose to build. All right, I will see you soon. Take good care. Bye my friends.
Thank you for being a part of The Balanced Leader community. We hope you found today's episode inspiring and actionable. For more resources and to connect with Yann, visit us at aspire-coaching.co. Until next time, keep leading with confidence and purpose.
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