59. Survival Masks in Women’s Leadership: What They Are & How to Break Free
Have you ever noticed yourself shrinking in certain rooms, hardening in conversations where you want connection, or suddenly feeling stuck despite being highly successful?
This week, I’m exploring why these patterns emerge, and how it has nothing to do with your talent and everything to do with the winning strategies that once served you but now hold you back. Whether you became the good girl who stayed agreeable, the fixer who solved everyone's problems, or the ice queen who maintained perfect composure, these strategies helped you climb the corporate ladder… but there's a ceiling.
Listen in to discover a framework of six survival masks that women wear in professional settings and learn how to recognize when these masks limit rather than protect you. You'll also hear about command states - grounded ways of being that replace survival strategies with authentic leadership presence.
The Power Series: A 3-Part Live Leadership Lab for Women Ready to Enter 2026 With Conviction, Clarity & Undeniable Presence, is happening December 11, 16, and 19, 2025. Click here for more info and to join.
What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
The six survival masks women wear in professional settings and how each one both protects and limits you.
Why your winning strategy that made you highly successful is the exact thing keeping you stuck at the next level.
How to use the command compass to shift from survival mode to leadership presence in real time.
The difference between survival masks and command states.
Why every survival mask comes from the same root, and what to do about it.
Practical ways to notice, name, and consciously choose your response instead of running on autopilot.
How internal safety expressed outwardly creates true executive presence and gravitas.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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Episodes Related to Survival masks:
42. Is It Toxic - Or Just Emotionally Immature? How Powerful Women Lead in Male-Dominated Workplaces
56. Strategic Influence: The Feminine Way to Build Power Without Politics
Full Episode Transcript:
If you've ever wondered why you shrink in certain rooms, why you harden in others, why you overwork or over-explain, why your voice disappears, or why you suddenly feel stuck despite being highly successful, this episode today is one of the most important conversations I've ever recorded. And I want to tell you, there's an important reason why these winning strategies no longer work for you. And it has nothing to do with your talent and everything to do with identity. Let's dive in.
Welcome to The Balanced Leader, hosted by Yann Dang, a Leadership and Life Coach with over 20 years of corporate experience. Drawing from her journey as a former global finance leader and second-generation immigrant, Yann understands the unique challenges women face in male-dominated workplaces.
Each episode offers insights on balancing masculine and feminine energies, mastering soft skills, and building emotional intelligence. Join us to transform frustration into empowerment and unlock your authentic leadership potential.
All right. Hey podcast listeners. Welcome to The Balanced Leader. Today we are going to dive into winning strategies that we have outgrown. I know this well because in my career, I have outgrown many strategies, but I don't know if I always consciously realized it. But today's episode, we're going to dive into this because the more we can bring awareness to winning strategies and when we've outgrown them, the more powerful we can show up in our new identity, where we can show up in new spaces, in spaces that we've never been in before, which require different things from us than our old winning strategy.
Every powerful woman has a winning strategy, the identity that made you successful. The moment you outgrow it, something confusing happens. You start shrinking in rooms where you should be advancing, or you harden in conversations where you actually want connection, or you overwork, or you overthink, or you go silent. Or perhaps you become the fixer, the hero, the calm one, the competent one, the just-tell-me-what-you-need-and-I’ll-handle-it one. And you have no idea why it's not working anymore.
But I do. It's because your winning strategy, the strategy that brought you this far, that has made you highly successful, is no longer the strategy that will take you into your next level of leadership. And the part of you that figured out how to survive will not be the part of you that learns how to lead in these new spaces.
This is something that I teach all women that come to me, especially when they want to be heard in rooms with leaders, with senior leaders that they have not been with in before. And I think you've heard me talk about this sort of shift that we have to make as leaders to not just please authority, but to become mutual with authority and to start seeing ourselves as the authority, right? Not better than, but as the authority in mutuality.
And this is a new strategy for folks, especially if they have climbed the corporate ladder, really learning how to appease authority. And that was me too. I actually had my own transformation. I was like, what I was doing before wasn't working. I was sort of head down, getting stuff done and getting seen and heard, and the strategy worked beautifully until it stopped. Until I got into these powerful rooms where my brilliance was too subtle to be heard, where sitting in a corner and knowing the right answer wasn't enough, where influence mattered.
So, let's dive into this. And I want to give credit to Tracy Goss. This is her book on The Last Word on Power. It's all about executive reinvention, and it's all about how winning strategies are the identity you built to survive, succeed, and belong. And that identity will keep you stuck as you go on and want to do new and bigger and more impossible things.
So, every woman develops hers early. I did too, right? To get approval, to avoid danger, to be liked, to be rewarded, to feel safe, to be seen, to be accepted. We actually have these winning strategies in our family systems, right? If you think about a family system where everybody's vying for mom and dad's attention, we learn how to show up in certain roles. Maybe you're the golden child and you get everything right, or you're the good girl and you follow what your parents say. Or maybe you're the rebel and you get, you know, goodies or even negative attention is better than no attention at all. So these winning strategies run deep.
And in the corporate world, winning strategies actually really help us to evolve and move up quickly often times, but then there's a ceiling. And that's what I really want to focus on today. It's the moment where your past identity stops matching your future calling. This is why you feel that friction. I want you to know, you're not failing at all. You're evolving. This is what happens when your identity no longer works for the future that you see for yourself. So you're actually outgrowing your identity because your dreams and your goals are bigger than the identity that you're holding at this time. And that identity is full of strategies, is full of thoughts and beliefs about yourself. It is made up of a lot of things.
Tracy Goss talks about how important it is to know what our winning strategies are because oftentimes we have used our winning strategy so much that we feel like it's part of our DNA and we can't separate ourselves from it. And it keeps us stuck because we're like, well, we've always done things this way and we've gotten this far and we're highly successful. Why would I let go of a strategy where I'm highly successful?
I always like to discern it as you're not letting go completely, but you are noticing where the strategy is limiting and where you want to go to the strategy for comfort, but it's actually what's required, right? What is powerful for you in terms of your identity at this next level is really being redefined. So, I take what Goss says and I make it uniquely mine when we talk about trying to be heard in rooms or systems that weren't built for us as women.
So I really think about it as women don't just have one winning strategy. They have a mask that they wear to survive specific rooms, specific situations. I call them survival masks. This is my framework that I created as part of The Leadership Lab, How to Be Heard in Rooms Full of Men. So if you ever come to these leadership labs in the future, this is not only what I teach, is really what we process and we dive deep into.
I really am at a point in my coaching where I want to share my frameworks out more into the world so that you, the listener, can listen to these frameworks and start applying them. And when you want to master them, when you're ready for the next level of working together, this is where I really want you to dive into my containers. And we're not just learning things here, we're actually using the frameworks to transform your life. So let me talk to you about these survival masks because this is something that you can start working on today as you notice them.
So I've created a lineup of survival masks that I have really discerned from people over coaching hundreds of women over the last 4 years. And I'm going to start with the first one, The Good Girl, right? Who can relate to The Good Girl? This is really about staying likable. And what I want to share with you about these masks are they're a form of protection. They're helpful, but they're not helpful when they're on autopilot and we're not realizing that we're doing it.
So the winning strategy with The Good Girl is being agreeable, being pleasant, not upsetting anyone. So it worked when you needed harmony, approval, and safety, but it fails when you need tension, truth, and authority. So just as I was sharing, in my sort of where I was in corporate, just climbing the corporate ladder, being a good girl was really helpful in the beginning, right? Obviously, I'm still doing the work to get it done, but understanding what authority figures needed, creating safety for them so that they could trust and rely on me, a huge, huge skill.
But when you think about this skill in a boardroom where you're owning lots of responsibilities, maybe owning a big functional area, this has lots of limits. You're not telling truth, you are not moving towards discomfort. There's an emotional capacity work that's related to each one of these survival masks. So there's thoughts, there's emotions, and the ability to move beyond these masks.
So the next one is another one that women are so used to playing and stay stuck in for like years. This is where I want to have you notice if you feel like this is you, you're like, I've been doing this job forever and I'm not getting to the next level, but I am highly reliable and people know that I am a problem solver.
This survival mask is called The Fixer. Be indispensable. The winning strategy here is solve everything, carry everything. And it worked when being reliable got you promoted. It fails though when fixing keeps you invisible and overextended. You're a highly successful person, but you are on the verge of burnout because you have spent so much time running around fixing other things for other people, and you're not having time to do the strategic things. And maybe you're the glue of the group, you really help people hold it together.
But this is really limiting and it also has us, you know, more focusing on other people's needs versus putting our own agenda first. So there is a big limit to The Fixer. Sure, some parts of your career being The Fixer, being known as somebody who could fix things, it's great. But sometimes, especially in rooms where you are learning how to use your voice and lead people, fixing things isn't going to cut it.
The next one is The Lone Wolf. It's really like this, I'll do it myself attitude. The winning strategy is outwork everyone, don't need support. And it worked when competence made you stand out. Maybe you said, this team can't do that work and I will come in and I'll just do it single-handedly. It fails when only influence and visibility move you forward, not effort. So when you have to lead in big rooms, when you actually can't do the work because your responsibilities are so big or what's being asked of you is so big, you actually this lone wolf piece really fails you because you're in it alone and on your own and you're not using your team and you're not creating visibility for yourself. You're kind of up in a corner fixing it and wanting to surprise everyone afterwards.
All right, then there's the next one, The Ice Queen, stay perfect, stay controlled. The Ice Queen is also kind of like poker face, right? And I remember playing this role a lot. And I want to share with you, the challenge here isn't that you should just get rid of these, it's to be aware of them so you know when you're overusing them. Sometimes being The Ice Queen, you know, in new situations, I'd always get people to be more open. But The Ice Queen can serve a purpose, right? If you are with somebody who is highly emotional and highly upsetting to you, having the boundaries of being an ice queen or poker face can really help with that like stoic containment.
But the winning strategy here is polish composure and emotional containment. There is definitely things about being The Ice Queen that are helpful. And it works when being put together protected you from judgment. But it fails when leadership requires warmth and connection. You know, I was sort of like that poker face ice queen with my colleagues, especially on the C-suite where, you know, maybe my CTO would come and ask me for a bunch of money and I'd be like, okay, give me the facts. And I wouldn't be very emotional at all. But there was a big limit because oftentimes people wouldn't want to come to me until they had all of their facts. And so I wasn't actually helping them like a trusted partner. I was more of like an auditor saying yes or no to investments based on compliance or based on the facts and data. And there was just a missing piece of trust and rapport that people need when they're working on a team together. So I really had to let go of this poker face ice queen image to belong more and to truly have deeper connections with the people around me.
So you want to notice, is The Ice Queen showing up for you? When is it showing up? It used to also show up a lot early on in my marriage when I'd get upset with my husband. I'd just be like, I think I had a bit of The Ice Queen and The Lone Wolf. You know, I'd be like, oh, I got to go figure it out myself. So you just want to notice this and play with it. That's a big part of understanding these survival strategies too, is just calling yourself out and noticing them.
Another one is The Ghost. Don't be too much. This is a winning strategy because you stay small, you stay neutral, you don't take up space. And sometimes it helps when you want to, you know, make yourself small because the environment is so scary. And it worked when you were punished for ambition or directness. So maybe you are in a space where people are way, way more senior than you and being super entitled to your voice and opinion was threatening, right? There are times like that, right? Imagine an intern coming to a meeting with C-suite level members and then, you know, that intern trying to tell everybody how it is. That is not good. It's better to be a ghost than, you know, try to take up that space.
And it fails when your presence and your voice are your currency though. It does fail when you are actually an authoritative person at the table and they expect you to speak up. You can't be a ghost then. Being a ghost doesn't work for you. Being a ghost as an intern, yes, that would work probably very well. But being a ghost as a VP or an SVP or a C-suite level member, that is really bad for you because you're not being seen, you're not being heard, and that ghost is really having you disappear, especially when the frequency of the other people in the boardroom is probably pretty high. You know, they're probably going to be pretty confident in themselves because they're like, I'm in this room, I've made it. So the identity of The Ghost isn't going to help you. That strategy is actually really holding you behind.
Another one is The Ball Buster, right? Don't get hurt. Arm up, lead with force, don't show vulnerability. That is the winning strategy. And it worked when you needed to protect yourself in male-dominated environments. Maybe you, I have so many clients in construction and manufacturing. And you know, there's sometimes a lot of hurtful comments and you need to sort of build a ball buster to be able to survive. But it fails when connection, trust, and emotional intelligence becomes essential. It fails when we see the world in an all or nothing point of view and we don't let people in. That's when this strategy doesn't work anymore for us. So we feel like we don't get hurt, but we actually do get hurt because we can't belong or influence when we are armored up like that.
All right. So those were the six survival masks, and I'm happy to share these in the show notes, but you're going to hear me talk more and more about it because I want women to notice themselves, call themselves out, and learn how these masks both protect you and limit you. And what I want to invite you into is knowing that, hey, I had a winning strategy in the past, but I don't need it anymore.
And here's the truth no one teaches. Every survival mask, every winning strategy comes from the same root: a lack of emotional safety. Women learn, don't be loud, don't be soft, don't be too direct, don't be too ambitious, don't be too emotional. Don't make anyone uncomfortable. Your mask was brilliant. It helped you survive, but it never helped you lead.
So this is the invitation into your identity beyond these survival masks and letting go of old winning strategies to learn to embrace this next level leadership, this next level identity of you. What I call command states. And you'll hear a lot more about command because it's now become a cornerstone of how I talk about my programs. At the end of the day, when I talk to women in spaces that weren't quite built for them in male-dominated spaces, what the work that we are doing is really about commanding ourselves first and foremost, understanding our internal world so that we can show up more powerfully and influence the world around us.
Command is grounded, clear, direct, attuned both to ourselves and others, but to ourselves first and foremost, confident, regulated from an emotional standpoint, future-led, embodied, powerful, and uncompromising. I know those are all great, beautiful words, but you're probably like, you know, what do I actually do if I want to be in more of a command state, right? You told me about survival states and now we're talking about command states. Don't worry, I'm going to share my command compass with you so you can learn how to use these in a way to support yourself.
The command states are a way of being. It's not a mask. It's something you're moving towards because you want to have a state that's open, right? A mask is more fixed in nature. So that's why we have survival mask and command states. So command states are Grounded Leader. This is really about holding steady and being present in yourself, not needing to know all the answers, but because you are steady and you are open to hearing people, you have more information and you are not hiding from the group around you, but really open to what's going to emerge.
The next one is Truth Teller. This is really about saying what's so. This is embracing telling the truth instead of, you know, hiding behind data. And then there's Connector. This is one where I think a lot of women actually naturally fall because we're much more nurturing and want to connect people and create alignment. So you might want to notice is this your command state. And if it is, you may want to stretch into another command state like Truth Teller, which might feel scary to you, but will give you other skill sets to develop, right? I always talk to people as we're trying to develop a really great power tool set for ourselves so that we can show up.
The reality is that leaders, especially leaders who rise to the very top of, you know, new industries, new places, they're always dealing with uncertainty. And the best way to deal with uncertainty as a leader is to bring certainty to any situation. And that doesn't mean knowing all of the right answers, but it's being the person, being the vehicle, being the conduit who is grounded enough in themselves to ask powerful questions, to tell the truth, to set a vision for people, to connect people. This is what we're really talking about here and why it's so important.
But the more tools you have, right? To be the vision holder or to be the connector or to be the truth teller, this is just more ways that you can create that certainty. Because the groups around you may always be a little bit different. Maybe you're going through a big reduction of force. Maybe you're going through a big AI transformation. What is needed as a leader? What is needed from you may really depend on what the audience needs. And you having lots of different tools in your tool belt gives you a greater variety to handle those uncertain situations with much more finesse, much more focus, much more discernment, right? You're not just showing up as the same leader all the time. Maybe you're required to have different emotions, have different command states.
So another command state is Vision Holder. You set the vision, you say this is the vision that we're moving towards. And then the last one is Authority. Authority sets a standard of what's expected and they hold that their, you know, certainty and their clarity is that authoritative figure. So, these are different command states to try on. Command is not loud. Command's not forceful. It's not performative. And this is really the difference between what some people teach about command. And when I talk about command, it is really executive presence. It's really gravitas. And it's not super easy to teach because it's really about at the end of the day, internal safety, expressed outwardly. Command is presence, command is identity, and of course, command is internal safety expressed outwardly.
All right, so let me tell you more about your command compass because you're probably again wondering what's the best way to use this. First and foremost, notice your survival response as it's happening. See if you can name it, right? If you can't name how you're feeling, if you can't name maybe the way you're acting, it's really hard to shift. Like for example, when I am being good girl, I'm like, oh my gosh, here it goes. Like I have this chacha in my mind that I need to do certain things to please certain people because I'm in good girl mode.
Then the second step is zooming out, creating space before reacting. Instead of just being that good girl, I actually say, well, what's actually happening here? Is this survival or leadership? Am I doing things to please myself and, you know, meet my responsibilities and what I need to do for me and my family or for my business, or am I just trying to please other people, please my family or please authority figures that need things from me, right? This returns you to clarity, the zooming out piece.
And then the next one is choice. Pick a thought that returns you back to power. Sometimes my thought to myself is, if I wasn't playing any role and I was just really listening to my inner wisdom, what would I want? Or I might ask myself, if you had it your way, Yann, what would you do? I actually ask my clients this a lot because it helps you to slow down and pause before running that survival mask. You actually get to, again, notice and name it, and then zoom out and then consciously choose. Identity shifts with one thought. You don't need to spend a ton of time. You just really need that pause to connect and attune to yourself.
And then you can choose a command state. If this is helpful for you, pick a command state that you want to lead with: Grounded Leader, Truth Teller, Connector, Vision Holder, Authority, right? You want to notice with yourself what is coming up. Then take one micro action from that state. Finish the sentence, hold your seat, speak the truth once, ask for clarity, right? Ask clarifying questions to know more. As you embody this command state, you are also more open and more present to the data around you. Command is not who you try to be, it's who you return to. It's who we are when our natural state feels safe. If we feel internally safe and we don't feel like we have to survive or defend ourselves, then we're going to be much more present. This is why you have to be present in order to command. And this is what executive presence is all about. Like, you need to command yourself first and foremost.
So that was today's episode. I encourage you to go to school on your winning strategy and see what's working and where it doesn't work anymore and what you want to let go of. This discernment is going to be powerful for you. This is where we start to take responsibility for what we do and what we don't do. And this is where power begins when we can start looking at ourselves as these powerful beings, but maybe we've just put blocks in our own way because they helped us protect us at some point. And I get it. The world doesn't always feel safe, but here's the truth. If you keep defending yourself from the world and you keep focusing on all of the negative things that could happen, then your world will get smaller and smaller and smaller versus what I want to invite you into is a world where, hey, there's going to be some safe things and there's going to be some scary things, but you're going to be able to handle it.
And the more you believe that you're able to handle it, the more you command yourself and you walk yourself into situations that are both scary, but you create that internal safety inside, no one can ever take that away from you. Working on your internal safety, understanding, creating awareness within yourself is powerful stuff.
All right. Have a beautiful week ahead. Let me know what you think about this episode. Again, I'm going to be sharing more of my frameworks, and if you want to dive in deeper, the next time I have my leadership lab called How to Be Heard in a Room Full of Men, and you want to use these frameworks, join us. It is a powerful room of women who understand this framework and we take it to the next level. We experience it, we process it. I give you exercises to get triggered by it, and then we take it to the next level where you start committing to how you want to lead yourself going forward. Have a beautiful week. Go practice your commanding presence. Take care. Bye.
Thank you for being a part of The Balanced Leader community. We hope you found today's episode inspiring and actionable. For more resources and to connect with Yann, visit us at aspire-coaching.co. Until next time, keep leading with confidence and purpose.
Welcome to The Balanced Leader, hosted by Yann Dang, a Leadership and Life Coach with over 20 years of corporate experience. Drawing from her journey as a former global finance leader and second-generation immigrant, Yann understands the unique challenges women face in male-dominated workplaces.
Each episode offers insights on balancing masculine and feminine energies, mastering soft skills, and building emotional intelligence. Join us to transform frustration into empowerment and unlock your authentic leadership potential.
All right. Hey podcast listeners. Welcome to The Balanced Leader. Today we are going to dive into winning strategies that we have outgrown. I know this well because in my career, I have outgrown many strategies, but I don't know if I always consciously realized it. But today's episode, we're going to dive into this because the more we can bring awareness to winning strategies and when we've outgrown them, the more powerful we can show up in our new identity, where we can show up in new spaces, in spaces that we've never been in before, which require different things from us than our old winning strategy.
Every powerful woman has a winning strategy, the identity that made you successful. The moment you outgrow it, something confusing happens. You start shrinking in rooms where you should be advancing, or you harden in conversations where you actually want connection, or you overwork, or you overthink, or you go silent. Or perhaps you become the fixer, the hero, the calm one, the competent one, the just-tell-me-what-you-need-and-I’ll-handle-it one. And you have no idea why it's not working anymore.
But I do. It's because your winning strategy, the strategy that brought you this far, that has made you highly successful, is no longer the strategy that will take you into your next level of leadership. And the part of you that figured out how to survive will not be the part of you that learns how to lead in these new spaces.
This is something that I teach all women that come to me, especially when they want to be heard in rooms with leaders, with senior leaders that they have not been with in before. And I think you've heard me talk about this sort of shift that we have to make as leaders to not just please authority, but to become mutual with authority and to start seeing ourselves as the authority, right? Not better than, but as the authority in mutuality.
And this is a new strategy for folks, especially if they have climbed the corporate ladder, really learning how to appease authority. And that was me too. I actually had my own transformation. I was like, what I was doing before wasn't working. I was sort of head down, getting stuff done and getting seen and heard, and the strategy worked beautifully until it stopped. Until I got into these powerful rooms where my brilliance was too subtle to be heard, where sitting in a corner and knowing the right answer wasn't enough, where influence mattered.
So, let's dive into this. And I want to give credit to Tracy Goss. This is her book on The Last Word on Power. It's all about executive reinvention, and it's all about how winning strategies are the identity you built to survive, succeed, and belong. And that identity will keep you stuck as you go on and want to do new and bigger and more impossible things.
So, every woman develops hers early. I did too, right? To get approval, to avoid danger, to be liked, to be rewarded, to feel safe, to be seen, to be accepted. We actually have these winning strategies in our family systems, right? If you think about a family system where everybody's vying for mom and dad's attention, we learn how to show up in certain roles. Maybe you're the golden child and you get everything right, or you're the good girl and you follow what your parents say. Or maybe you're the rebel and you get, you know, goodies or even negative attention is better than no attention at all. So these winning strategies run deep.
And in the corporate world, winning strategies actually really help us to evolve and move up quickly often times, but then there's a ceiling. And that's what I really want to focus on today. It's the moment where your past identity stops matching your future calling. This is why you feel that friction. I want you to know, you're not failing at all. You're evolving. This is what happens when your identity no longer works for the future that you see for yourself. So you're actually outgrowing your identity because your dreams and your goals are bigger than the identity that you're holding at this time. And that identity is full of strategies, is full of thoughts and beliefs about yourself. It is made up of a lot of things.
Tracy Goss talks about how important it is to know what our winning strategies are because oftentimes we have used our winning strategy so much that we feel like it's part of our DNA and we can't separate ourselves from it. And it keeps us stuck because we're like, well, we've always done things this way and we've gotten this far and we're highly successful. Why would I let go of a strategy where I'm highly successful?
I always like to discern it as you're not letting go completely, but you are noticing where the strategy is limiting and where you want to go to the strategy for comfort, but it's actually what's required, right? What is powerful for you in terms of your identity at this next level is really being redefined. So, I take what Goss says and I make it uniquely mine when we talk about trying to be heard in rooms or systems that weren't built for us as women.
So I really think about it as women don't just have one winning strategy. They have a mask that they wear to survive specific rooms, specific situations. I call them survival masks. This is my framework that I created as part of The Leadership Lab, How to Be Heard in Rooms Full of Men. So if you ever come to these leadership labs in the future, this is not only what I teach, is really what we process and we dive deep into.
I really am at a point in my coaching where I want to share my frameworks out more into the world so that you, the listener, can listen to these frameworks and start applying them. And when you want to master them, when you're ready for the next level of working together, this is where I really want you to dive into my containers. And we're not just learning things here, we're actually using the frameworks to transform your life. So let me talk to you about these survival masks because this is something that you can start working on today as you notice them.
So I've created a lineup of survival masks that I have really discerned from people over coaching hundreds of women over the last 4 years. And I'm going to start with the first one, The Good Girl, right? Who can relate to The Good Girl? This is really about staying likable. And what I want to share with you about these masks are they're a form of protection. They're helpful, but they're not helpful when they're on autopilot and we're not realizing that we're doing it.
So the winning strategy with The Good Girl is being agreeable, being pleasant, not upsetting anyone. So it worked when you needed harmony, approval, and safety, but it fails when you need tension, truth, and authority. So just as I was sharing, in my sort of where I was in corporate, just climbing the corporate ladder, being a good girl was really helpful in the beginning, right? Obviously, I'm still doing the work to get it done, but understanding what authority figures needed, creating safety for them so that they could trust and rely on me, a huge, huge skill.
But when you think about this skill in a boardroom where you're owning lots of responsibilities, maybe owning a big functional area, this has lots of limits. You're not telling truth, you are not moving towards discomfort. There's an emotional capacity work that's related to each one of these survival masks. So there's thoughts, there's emotions, and the ability to move beyond these masks.
So the next one is another one that women are so used to playing and stay stuck in for like years. This is where I want to have you notice if you feel like this is you, you're like, I've been doing this job forever and I'm not getting to the next level, but I am highly reliable and people know that I am a problem solver.
This survival mask is called The Fixer. Be indispensable. The winning strategy here is solve everything, carry everything. And it worked when being reliable got you promoted. It fails though when fixing keeps you invisible and overextended. You're a highly successful person, but you are on the verge of burnout because you have spent so much time running around fixing other things for other people, and you're not having time to do the strategic things. And maybe you're the glue of the group, you really help people hold it together.
But this is really limiting and it also has us, you know, more focusing on other people's needs versus putting our own agenda first. So there is a big limit to The Fixer. Sure, some parts of your career being The Fixer, being known as somebody who could fix things, it's great. But sometimes, especially in rooms where you are learning how to use your voice and lead people, fixing things isn't going to cut it.
The next one is The Lone Wolf. It's really like this, I'll do it myself attitude. The winning strategy is outwork everyone, don't need support. And it worked when competence made you stand out. Maybe you said, this team can't do that work and I will come in and I'll just do it single-handedly. It fails when only influence and visibility move you forward, not effort. So when you have to lead in big rooms, when you actually can't do the work because your responsibilities are so big or what's being asked of you is so big, you actually this lone wolf piece really fails you because you're in it alone and on your own and you're not using your team and you're not creating visibility for yourself. You're kind of up in a corner fixing it and wanting to surprise everyone afterwards.
All right, then there's the next one, The Ice Queen, stay perfect, stay controlled. The Ice Queen is also kind of like poker face, right? And I remember playing this role a lot. And I want to share with you, the challenge here isn't that you should just get rid of these, it's to be aware of them so you know when you're overusing them. Sometimes being The Ice Queen, you know, in new situations, I'd always get people to be more open. But The Ice Queen can serve a purpose, right? If you are with somebody who is highly emotional and highly upsetting to you, having the boundaries of being an ice queen or poker face can really help with that like stoic containment.
But the winning strategy here is polish composure and emotional containment. There is definitely things about being The Ice Queen that are helpful. And it works when being put together protected you from judgment. But it fails when leadership requires warmth and connection. You know, I was sort of like that poker face ice queen with my colleagues, especially on the C-suite where, you know, maybe my CTO would come and ask me for a bunch of money and I'd be like, okay, give me the facts. And I wouldn't be very emotional at all. But there was a big limit because oftentimes people wouldn't want to come to me until they had all of their facts. And so I wasn't actually helping them like a trusted partner. I was more of like an auditor saying yes or no to investments based on compliance or based on the facts and data. And there was just a missing piece of trust and rapport that people need when they're working on a team together. So I really had to let go of this poker face ice queen image to belong more and to truly have deeper connections with the people around me.
So you want to notice, is The Ice Queen showing up for you? When is it showing up? It used to also show up a lot early on in my marriage when I'd get upset with my husband. I'd just be like, I think I had a bit of The Ice Queen and The Lone Wolf. You know, I'd be like, oh, I got to go figure it out myself. So you just want to notice this and play with it. That's a big part of understanding these survival strategies too, is just calling yourself out and noticing them.
Another one is The Ghost. Don't be too much. This is a winning strategy because you stay small, you stay neutral, you don't take up space. And sometimes it helps when you want to, you know, make yourself small because the environment is so scary. And it worked when you were punished for ambition or directness. So maybe you are in a space where people are way, way more senior than you and being super entitled to your voice and opinion was threatening, right? There are times like that, right? Imagine an intern coming to a meeting with C-suite level members and then, you know, that intern trying to tell everybody how it is. That is not good. It's better to be a ghost than, you know, try to take up that space.
And it fails when your presence and your voice are your currency though. It does fail when you are actually an authoritative person at the table and they expect you to speak up. You can't be a ghost then. Being a ghost doesn't work for you. Being a ghost as an intern, yes, that would work probably very well. But being a ghost as a VP or an SVP or a C-suite level member, that is really bad for you because you're not being seen, you're not being heard, and that ghost is really having you disappear, especially when the frequency of the other people in the boardroom is probably pretty high. You know, they're probably going to be pretty confident in themselves because they're like, I'm in this room, I've made it. So the identity of The Ghost isn't going to help you. That strategy is actually really holding you behind.
Another one is The Ball Buster, right? Don't get hurt. Arm up, lead with force, don't show vulnerability. That is the winning strategy. And it worked when you needed to protect yourself in male-dominated environments. Maybe you, I have so many clients in construction and manufacturing. And you know, there's sometimes a lot of hurtful comments and you need to sort of build a ball buster to be able to survive. But it fails when connection, trust, and emotional intelligence becomes essential. It fails when we see the world in an all or nothing point of view and we don't let people in. That's when this strategy doesn't work anymore for us. So we feel like we don't get hurt, but we actually do get hurt because we can't belong or influence when we are armored up like that.
All right. So those were the six survival masks, and I'm happy to share these in the show notes, but you're going to hear me talk more and more about it because I want women to notice themselves, call themselves out, and learn how these masks both protect you and limit you. And what I want to invite you into is knowing that, hey, I had a winning strategy in the past, but I don't need it anymore.
And here's the truth no one teaches. Every survival mask, every winning strategy comes from the same root: a lack of emotional safety. Women learn, don't be loud, don't be soft, don't be too direct, don't be too ambitious, don't be too emotional. Don't make anyone uncomfortable. Your mask was brilliant. It helped you survive, but it never helped you lead.
So this is the invitation into your identity beyond these survival masks and letting go of old winning strategies to learn to embrace this next level leadership, this next level identity of you. What I call command states. And you'll hear a lot more about command because it's now become a cornerstone of how I talk about my programs. At the end of the day, when I talk to women in spaces that weren't quite built for them in male-dominated spaces, what the work that we are doing is really about commanding ourselves first and foremost, understanding our internal world so that we can show up more powerfully and influence the world around us.
Command is grounded, clear, direct, attuned both to ourselves and others, but to ourselves first and foremost, confident, regulated from an emotional standpoint, future-led, embodied, powerful, and uncompromising. I know those are all great, beautiful words, but you're probably like, you know, what do I actually do if I want to be in more of a command state, right? You told me about survival states and now we're talking about command states. Don't worry, I'm going to share my command compass with you so you can learn how to use these in a way to support yourself.
The command states are a way of being. It's not a mask. It's something you're moving towards because you want to have a state that's open, right? A mask is more fixed in nature. So that's why we have survival mask and command states. So command states are Grounded Leader. This is really about holding steady and being present in yourself, not needing to know all the answers, but because you are steady and you are open to hearing people, you have more information and you are not hiding from the group around you, but really open to what's going to emerge.
The next one is Truth Teller. This is really about saying what's so. This is embracing telling the truth instead of, you know, hiding behind data. And then there's Connector. This is one where I think a lot of women actually naturally fall because we're much more nurturing and want to connect people and create alignment. So you might want to notice is this your command state. And if it is, you may want to stretch into another command state like Truth Teller, which might feel scary to you, but will give you other skill sets to develop, right? I always talk to people as we're trying to develop a really great power tool set for ourselves so that we can show up.
The reality is that leaders, especially leaders who rise to the very top of, you know, new industries, new places, they're always dealing with uncertainty. And the best way to deal with uncertainty as a leader is to bring certainty to any situation. And that doesn't mean knowing all of the right answers, but it's being the person, being the vehicle, being the conduit who is grounded enough in themselves to ask powerful questions, to tell the truth, to set a vision for people, to connect people. This is what we're really talking about here and why it's so important.
But the more tools you have, right? To be the vision holder or to be the connector or to be the truth teller, this is just more ways that you can create that certainty. Because the groups around you may always be a little bit different. Maybe you're going through a big reduction of force. Maybe you're going through a big AI transformation. What is needed as a leader? What is needed from you may really depend on what the audience needs. And you having lots of different tools in your tool belt gives you a greater variety to handle those uncertain situations with much more finesse, much more focus, much more discernment, right? You're not just showing up as the same leader all the time. Maybe you're required to have different emotions, have different command states.
So another command state is Vision Holder. You set the vision, you say this is the vision that we're moving towards. And then the last one is Authority. Authority sets a standard of what's expected and they hold that their, you know, certainty and their clarity is that authoritative figure. So, these are different command states to try on. Command is not loud. Command's not forceful. It's not performative. And this is really the difference between what some people teach about command. And when I talk about command, it is really executive presence. It's really gravitas. And it's not super easy to teach because it's really about at the end of the day, internal safety, expressed outwardly. Command is presence, command is identity, and of course, command is internal safety expressed outwardly.
All right, so let me tell you more about your command compass because you're probably again wondering what's the best way to use this. First and foremost, notice your survival response as it's happening. See if you can name it, right? If you can't name how you're feeling, if you can't name maybe the way you're acting, it's really hard to shift. Like for example, when I am being good girl, I'm like, oh my gosh, here it goes. Like I have this chacha in my mind that I need to do certain things to please certain people because I'm in good girl mode.
Then the second step is zooming out, creating space before reacting. Instead of just being that good girl, I actually say, well, what's actually happening here? Is this survival or leadership? Am I doing things to please myself and, you know, meet my responsibilities and what I need to do for me and my family or for my business, or am I just trying to please other people, please my family or please authority figures that need things from me, right? This returns you to clarity, the zooming out piece.
And then the next one is choice. Pick a thought that returns you back to power. Sometimes my thought to myself is, if I wasn't playing any role and I was just really listening to my inner wisdom, what would I want? Or I might ask myself, if you had it your way, Yann, what would you do? I actually ask my clients this a lot because it helps you to slow down and pause before running that survival mask. You actually get to, again, notice and name it, and then zoom out and then consciously choose. Identity shifts with one thought. You don't need to spend a ton of time. You just really need that pause to connect and attune to yourself.
And then you can choose a command state. If this is helpful for you, pick a command state that you want to lead with: Grounded Leader, Truth Teller, Connector, Vision Holder, Authority, right? You want to notice with yourself what is coming up. Then take one micro action from that state. Finish the sentence, hold your seat, speak the truth once, ask for clarity, right? Ask clarifying questions to know more. As you embody this command state, you are also more open and more present to the data around you. Command is not who you try to be, it's who you return to. It's who we are when our natural state feels safe. If we feel internally safe and we don't feel like we have to survive or defend ourselves, then we're going to be much more present. This is why you have to be present in order to command. And this is what executive presence is all about. Like, you need to command yourself first and foremost.
So that was today's episode. I encourage you to go to school on your winning strategy and see what's working and where it doesn't work anymore and what you want to let go of. This discernment is going to be powerful for you. This is where we start to take responsibility for what we do and what we don't do. And this is where power begins when we can start looking at ourselves as these powerful beings, but maybe we've just put blocks in our own way because they helped us protect us at some point. And I get it. The world doesn't always feel safe, but here's the truth. If you keep defending yourself from the world and you keep focusing on all of the negative things that could happen, then your world will get smaller and smaller and smaller versus what I want to invite you into is a world where, hey, there's going to be some safe things and there's going to be some scary things, but you're going to be able to handle it.
And the more you believe that you're able to handle it, the more you command yourself and you walk yourself into situations that are both scary, but you create that internal safety inside, no one can ever take that away from you. Working on your internal safety, understanding, creating awareness within yourself is powerful stuff.
All right. Have a beautiful week ahead. Let me know what you think about this episode. Again, I'm going to be sharing more of my frameworks, and if you want to dive in deeper, the next time I have my leadership lab called How to Be Heard in a Room Full of Men, and you want to use these frameworks, join us. It is a powerful room of women who understand this framework and we take it to the next level. We experience it, we process it. I give you exercises to get triggered by it, and then we take it to the next level where you start committing to how you want to lead yourself going forward. Have a beautiful week. Go practice your commanding presence. Take care. Bye.
Thank you for being a part of The Balanced Leader community. We hope you found today's episode inspiring and actionable. For more resources and to connect with Yann, visit us at aspire-coaching.co. Until next time, keep leading with confidence and purpose.
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