86. Stop Reacting, Start Leading: A New Leadership Framework for High-Achieving Women
High achieving women often think their leadership challenges are about confidence. But the real struggle usually comes from unconscious patterns, defensive or offensive games we play without realizing it. Maybe you hold back to protect yourself or overcompensate to prove yourself. Either way, these autopilot responses can quietly limit your authority, your influence, and the outcomes you want to create.
In this episode, I introduce a new leadership framework to help you lead consciously instead of reacting automatically. Using a pickleball analogy, I walk through how to recognize when you are playing defense, offense, or choosing a more intentional approach. You will hear how conscious leadership allows you to stay present, respond thoughtfully in high stakes situations, and co-create outcomes while maintaining your authority and emotional clarity.
You will learn how to recognize the unconscious games that shape your behavior, move from reactive defense or overcompensation to conscious leadership, and make intentional choices even when fear or uncertainty is present. This episode gives practical strategies to build influence, expand your leadership capacity, and trust yourself in the moment so you can stop reacting and start leading with confidence, presence, and purpose.
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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why confidence is not built before action but through conscious choices.
How unconscious defense or offense quietly limits authority and influence.
How to act intentionally instead of reacting to fear or uncertainty.
Why the most powerful women choose conscious leadership over autopilot.
How to recognize the leadership games you are playing in real time.
How to co create outcomes while staying present and emotionally attuned.
How to expand leadership capacity through deliberate, imperfect action.
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Episodes Related to The Power of Now:
80. Are You Playing to Lose? Why High-Achieving Women Leaders Burn Out at Work
85. The Power of Now: Leadership Happens Before You Feel Ready
Full Episode Transcript:
Let me give you the bottom line right now. Most women think they're struggling with confidence. I don't think confidence is the issue. I think many women are unconsciously playing games they don't even realize they're playing. Sometimes it might be a defensive game, trying not to lose, trying not to be criticized, trying not to rock the boat or create emotional tension, trying not to make a mistake. Sometimes you might be playing an offensive game, trying to prove yourself, trying to win, trying to dominate the conversation, trying to be right.
But there's a third option, and it's a super powerful one. It is conscious leadership. And I realized it this week playing pickleball with my husband. How, actually, it's not that easy to do, but how incredibly fun it is when you are playing this conscious leadership game. And how it is really about leadership, influence, and emotional attunement.
Today we are talking about the three leadership games women play, how fear quietly determines which game you're in, why neither defense nor offense creates sustainable influence, and how to become conscious enough to choose your response instead of reacting from them. By the end of this episode, you'll learn exactly why so many high-performing women unconsciously move into protection or proving when the stakes feel high and how those patterns impact your leadership. I'm also going to share a simple framework to help you choose a more intentional response in real time.
Welcome to The Balanced Leader, hosted by Yann Dang, a Leadership and Life Coach with over 20 years of corporate experience. Drawing from her journey as a former global finance leader and second-generation immigrant, Yann understands the unique challenges women face in male-dominated workplaces.
Each episode offers insights on balancing masculine and feminine energies, mastering soft skills and building emotional intelligence. Join us to transform frustration into empowerment and unlock your authentic leadership potential.
Hey podcast listeners, I am so excited to be here with you today. I actually this morning just played pickleball with my husband. It's something that we've been picking up. We always try to start our Monday mornings with some sort of different activity. And we've been debating, is it kayak? Is it pickleball? But kayak, we're always, well, it's so hot, and we have to move the kayak. But this morning, we decided it's going to be pickleball. And this is probably the third time we've played together. We played on vacation before. We actually played a few months ago, and then today we played. And it was so much fun. I've got to tell you about this.
But I also wanted to really bring it into this game because I think there are so many unconscious games women play with themselves, with other people. Sometimes we have no idea we're playing them, right? And there is an impact to those games that we play. So let me just share with you how our game went and why as I was thinking about it, I thought, this is going to be a powerful podcast episode.
Because when we started playing, right, I was just trying to keep the ball in. So I was really focused on not getting the ball outside. And then when I got good at that, when I got good at playing not to lose, and I was protecting and making sure I got it in the line, I started just automatically playing to win, really hitting it hard, making it really difficult for him to get on, get the ball. And it was kind of fun, but it was also, he was like, "Whoa, this is kind of hard." And I was, yeah. And it was fun. And we were talking about it. We're like, "Let's just play to keep rallying the balls." By the way, I just want to share, we do not know the rules of pickleball. So we're not even playing by the rules. We like we know the lines, like when it's in or out, but we actually don't know. We're just playing for fun.
And so anyway, we're like, "Let's just keep playing and just rallying and seeing how long we can rally for." And he was sharing with me, "Well, I hit it really high up in the sky so you have enough time to go after it." And I'm like, "Oh, that's really nice of you." I didn't even think about playing this way, right? I was more of defensive in the beginning, trying not to lose, protecting myself, right? And reacting to the ball so that it wouldn't go out.
And then after that, I was just trying to win. I was trying to make it hard for him to get the ball. And then we're moving into this next level where he's like, "Yeah, let's just rally." And it was actually the most enjoyable moments weren't about winning. They were about staying in the rally and actually paying attention, like attuning to each other, paying attention, adjusting, responding, being super present to not only the ball coming my way, but how do I hit it over so that he has time to hit it. And we started creating something together, this movement, right, this momentum back and forth.
And I realized that leadership works the same way. I also thought about this because we've had some fights, and I'm a big proponent of couples and just in the world, I truly believe it's important to fight for things, right? Because that means you're actually part of it. And I know sometimes there might be people who have a really strong aversion to the word fight. I literally mean argue for things and talk about what matters to us. And I know when we have been in fights historically, this last month or so, one of the things that I have found to be incredibly powerful is when I remind him, "Hey, we're on the same team here," or when he reminds me when things get really tough, "Hey, we're on the same team."
So even if we're fighting for something and we're arguing, we remind ourselves we actually want what's best for each other as individuals and as our couple, right? And that just helps us say, "Hey, we're both in this together. We're figuring it out." And so when we were playing with more of this idea to rally, I just noticed how much more I was paying attention to him, how he was paying attention to me, and how we were co-creating this together, right? And I actually think this is a really powerful way to be in the world, co-creating with people and being super conscious of yourself and being emotionally attuned to yourself and to other people.
And I want to just share that there is choices here, right? There are reasons why as women we play certain games in our leadership. And the main goal of today's podcast is to talk about the consciousness, to talk about grounded curiosity, and to really talk about choices, right? This is about choices. So most women think leadership only offers two choices. And I was very much in this, and it actually becomes exhausting after a while, right? You're either protecting yourself or you're proving yourself. So both ways you're kind of performing. You're in this performance, right? You're trying to, and I'll unpack each one of them, right? But there's a third option, and it's about creation, and it's about creating in the moment, being conscious, being present, right? Which is really when you think about the highest levels of leadership, they talk about executive presence because you need to be present to what's happening around you and inside of you, right?
So, let's talk first about the three games. And I'm saying women play this, but men play this as well. But the audience for, the Balanced Leader is like 90% women. So I'm going to talk to the experience of a woman. So the first one is this defensive protective game, right? It sounds like this. Let me stay quiet until I know more. Let me avoid conflict. Let me not upset anyone. Let me make sure everyone approves first, right? The goal is safety, and as women, we're probably more conditioned to be in this game, right? Where we are looking out for threats, where we are really attuned to this fear of loss, loss of approval, loss of belonging, loss of status, loss of certainty.
So, now here's the important part, right? I want you to really hear this because I don't want people to listen to this and be like, "Oh, defensive is so bad, right?" I'm not saying. Defensiveness isn't always bad. Sometimes defense is wisdom. I would never tell a woman to be vulnerable with a known corporate bully, right? I would never tell somebody to go bare your soul and tell them all your feelings, and this is going to have them change. That's just not true. And sometimes protection is appropriate. The issue is not defense. The issue is unconscious defense, right?
It's when you're playing this defensive role and you don't even realize it, and it becomes your autopilot, right? And this is where sometimes people think about maybe your personality at work. People used to say I was the enforcer because there was me from a social point, I'd be very approachable, very easygoing, but then at work, people would call me the enforcer. And there was just this protection. When you're protecting yourself without realizing, that's what you're doing. This is the unconscious defensiveness that sometimes you may carry as a protection, as a way to not expose yourself to the potential of danger, right?
And you know, if you've listened to the podcast in the past, I've shared in the past that for me, with my upbringing, I always had this thought historically that men were there to take advantage of me, which was not helpful for my personal relationships with men, nor were they helpful. They were helpful to an extent. I learned to be very good at asking questions. I learned to be very good at gathering information. But leading with the distrust and leading with the defensiveness at the most senior levels of leadership, my C-suite members wanted to trust me. They wanted to partner with me. They did not want enforcer Yann. They wanted business partner, grounded, curious Yann who's helping them to solve problems.
So that's the difference, right? Defensiveness, if you're choosing it consciously and even from that consciousness, we can still be curious, right? But if you're unconscious to it, you're likely going to miss a lot of things. You're going to have lots of blind spots, and you are going to wonder why leadership feels so heavy because you're constantly in this protective mode.
All right. Well, let's talk about the other piece, offensive. And some people play this game, right, where they are not even realizing it, but it sounds more like this. Let me prove I'm right. Let me win them over. Let me convince them. Let me dominate them. Let me show that I have incredible value to offer. The goal in this offensive game is validation. The fear is inadequacy. So there's still fear behind both games, right? And again, playing that offensive game isn't always wrong, but it's the moments where directness matters, where advocacy matters, where conviction matters, right?
There are going to be moments where it is important for you to use your muscle in this way and to say what it is that you want and need. The issue again becomes when proving becomes the goal because now the conversation becomes about you and not the outcome, right? So sometimes when women are learning to build this muscle, sometimes people end up accusing them of being so self-centered, right?
And that's where that connection to themselves and their consciousness is not so apparent or is not so clear to people because it's often times when it's all about you and you're thinking about you and you're just talking about you and it's about your emotions and you're not seeing the bigger game, people will interpret that as you're just, you just care about yourself, which isn't the truth. You're actually learning to express yourself in different ways, but actually not clear about your level of consciousness in that moment, right?
So I really talk about it as your level of consciousness. When you are connected to yourself, when you're advocating for yourself, but you're consciously aware and you're curious about what's happening, then you're not playing that game on autopilot. You are consciously choosing, and as you're choosing, there's more gray area, right? It's not just one or the other. It's not just one way or the highway. And this is important because we want to catch ourselves. Wow, I really wanted to win, right? You can tell sometimes in an argument, you're like, "Oh, I wasn't caring about the overall outcome. I wanted to win."
And sometimes, and this is why sometimes playing games are fun because it's unconflicted. I want to win. The goal is to win, right? But in the game of leadership where there are other people involved, right, it is also important to understand the context of other people and yourself, not more them, not more you, but really in this grounded, curious center where you're grounded in yourself and you're emotionally attuned to yourself, you will likely be much more attuned to them, right? So as I was playing this pickleball game with my husband, I was attuned to where he was on the pickleball court and where I was actually going to direct the ball to hit it back to him so that he could catch it, to make sure that, it was high enough so that he had space and I wasn't trying to cut all these tiny corners to make it hard for him. We were actually playing to continue playing, to move things forward.
And often times, I think when we're playing a defensive or an offensive game, we don't realize that actually there could be a game where we're literally playing to move the thing forward with other people, co-creating with other people. So this is the third game that I really want to invite you into. It is this game that you are moving things forward, that you're consciously shifting things forward with a group of people, maybe it's with your boss, maybe it's with a peer, but you are consciously and constantly moving things forward. And this is the conscious leadership game. So it sounds like this. What am I trying to create here? What outcome matters most? What serves the relationship? What serves this business? What serves my integrity? Now the conversation becomes bigger than your fear. Now you are not being run by fear, which gets us stuck in that defensive or offensive game.
So, this is again, it's about the nervous system, right? When we are feeling a lot of fear, when fear enters the room, our leadership narrows in. That limbic survival system of ours gets into play, and our brain starts thinking, how do I stay safe? How do I protect myself? How do I avoid pain? How do I win? How do I control this situation? And so when you are playing that game, what actually happens and what is a big cost to you is your presence goes away. Curiosity disappears. Again, discernment disappears because fear is now driving the car.
And we'll link in the episode where we just talked about how if you allow fear to drive the car, it really has you moving into these spaces of either proving or protecting yourself, right? Most women are not consciously choosing their leadership response. They're reacting to the fear they're experiencing in the moment. This is a big reason why I teach all of my clients, the hundreds of women that I teach, to notice their emotions and to name them because if we can name our emotions, this is a way to interrupt that pattern and interrupt that autopilot programming that we all have inside of us, right?
So, here is the self-empowered leadership framework. I've taught it before, but I'm bringing it back with this whole pickleball analogy because I think it's a really powerful way to think about how to play this game where you're actually co-creating, where you can trust your partner, where you can create this environment and to be conscious of it, right? Because I'm also not saying, hey, in every environment you can create this. There may be some times where you're going to be more defensive or more offensive. But I am saying that the more you can wrap around consciousness with this, the better it will be for you, a better experience that will have you advancing without burning out, right? And have you being more connected to yourself.
So, this is the framework, right? It starts with context and curiosity. The next piece is choice. And the fourth piece is commitment. So let me walk you through step by step and use these powerful questions to notice yourself. What game are you playing? Ask yourself that, right? Especially if you feel stuck, especially if you feel emotionally triggered. You want to start asking yourself these questions.
So, let's start with context. What game am I currently playing? Am I defensive? Am I trying to protect myself? Is it offensive? Am I trying to win? Am I trying to be the right one? Or am I conscious? Likely if you're trying to slow down and notice yourself, you're probably not in the conscious leadership game. But simply noticing this changes everything. Because the next step is curiosity. And this is the road to conscious leadership. Curiosity is so, so powerful. And in our very masculine world where we are very task-hungry to check boxes, we are losing our curiosity. We're losing our presence because we are trying to be productive.
So, let's bring us back to curiosity. What is actually happening? And I love asking people sensory-grounded data. What happened in the room? What did you notice, the sensations in your body? What did they actually say? What did you notice in their facial expressions, right? Not interpreting everything, just actually breaking things down in a much more slower way.
I actually, one of my clients just said this week she presented something, the CEO didn't like it. Her boss thought it was great. And I'm like, "Okay, what's the data here? What did he not like specifically? What did your boss like specifically? Let's really break it down and be curious." Versus our brains want to go to, "Well, the CEO didn't like it, so it was just terrible." And then that gets you more in that defensiveness versus, "Hey, well, what did he specifically not like? Let's really break that down."
Because what you want to watch out is your brain may naturally go to, "What am I afraid might happen? What is happening? What are the facts? What outcome matters?" So again with curiosity, you want to know what is actually happening, right? You want to slow your brain down. Not let your brain say, "What am I afraid might happen? What is happening? What are the facts? What outcome matters?" This is where we can kind of slow ourselves down and ask ourselves more a question. What is this person trying to communicate?
So it was also interesting just when I was reading what my client said, I'm like, "Okay, the CEO didn't like it," but she didn't share what he didn't like. It almost seemed like she was just taking on the judgment without being curious, right? But when you're curious, your curiosity expands perspective and you're like, "Oh, this is good that he didn't like this. Now I understand why. I have the context. I'm being curious," versus he didn't like this and that just means it's bad and then gets you into more of that performing mode of, let me just perform or defensive mode, self-protection mode, right?
So, step three is choice. What response serves what I'm trying to create? Right? Not what response makes me feel safest, not what response helps me win. We want you to come back to what response serves the outcome. I was just coaching another client to help her to make choices to activate people towards the outcome she desires, right? To move people, again, volleying. This is about a volleying game because I think also often times when I'm coaching women, they're like, "Oh, but what if this happens?" And then this doomer gloom thing happens. And I'm like, "Life doesn't work that way." Life is a series of conversations. It is a series of actions back and forth.
It's kind of like when people get married and they think they'll just live happily ever after. Getting married is just one more milestone. And then it's continuing to volley with that person and continuing to keep that love alive and to keep that commitment alive and to play this game where you're not just thinking everything's one and done. Life is about conscious choices, about curiosity, and we're growing people, and we're expanding people. But when we feel stuck in our ways and when we feel a lot of fear, we often times don't feel this expansiveness. We feel that we have to stay stuck, you know, and this is why choice is so important and matters so much, right? Because you have a choice to move something forward even a little bit every single day. Move something forward, move a conversation forward, build a little more trust, build a little bit more space for other people, for more curiosity, for yourself, for more self-acceptance.
So, step four is commitment. Can I stay with my choice even if discomfort shows up? Can I stay grounded if someone disagrees? Can I tolerate temporary emotional tension? Can I trust myself? This is commitment. This is you making the choice of consciousness over and over again because leadership isn't tested when everyone agrees. Leadership is tested when discomfort arrives. Can you stay connected to yourself? Can you stay open? Can you stay curious? Can you be alive to yourself being activated?
I want to share one more story, and I've I might have shared it on this podcast before, but I had a relationship with our sales leader that was so difficult. You know, I joined this company. This person, in my mind, hated finance, which basically meant he hated me. And it was not an easy relationship. I was curious about it though. I was like, he barely knows me, so this probably doesn't have that much to do with me. But for sure, I would show up defensively. And often times, offensive, right?
I would often times from a defensive standpoint, I'd come in with all of my numbers and I would share with him that I had the authority to make these decisions. And I would often times say, "I have already agreed with the CEO that this is the way forward," right? I was trying to control him, and I was trying to allow, it was sort of fear dressed up as sophisticated leadership. I'm going to show up really powerfully. But really, I was in some sort of performance. I was either protecting myself or I was proving myself. I think with him, I played probably more defense than offense.
But what I realized is that this is not a winning game for either of us. Both of us running to the CEO to share our problems wasn't elevating either of us. And so something had to change. And I was not willing to wait for him to change. I could have sat there and been like, "I'm going to sit in my corner and wait for him to change." But instead, I chose conscious leadership. I was like, "I'm powerful here. I'm not just a part of the story. I am a player, a key player in the story." And so I started to show up with him much more open, much more curious. And that shifted our relationship. It changed our relationship. Were we best friends? No way. Did we respect each other? Could we move things forward? Yes and yes.
So this is what I want to invite you into, that you have the power to play a more conscious game, to play a more creative game, to play a game where you trust yourself more powerfully and more deeply, and where you're grounded in yourself, and you're more curious about the world and the possibilities that are open to you. This is where expansiveness happens when you play this conscious leadership game. And quite honestly, when I think about playing this game with my husband in our relationship, even on the court, it's just so much more fun to have this partnership, to be attuned to what he's doing, to feel like we're both winning, to be on the same team together, right? And I'm not saying it's easy because it's not. It's not always easy. Sometimes we want to feel, we feel so unstabilized, right? We want to control things.
But I'll share with you one of the things my coach recently said to me, one of my coaches recently said to me is that true freedom is not needing to control everything. It actually is not needing to control because it's you trusting yourself to show up for yourself whatever happens. Period, end of story, right? You getting to decide that you are going to show up.
So, I want you to really take this to heart and ask yourself these questions. Where in your life are you currently playing defense? Where are you playing offense? And where would conscious leadership create a different result for you? More curiosity, more groundedness. Think about a conversation you need to have this week, a meeting, a boundary, a truth, a piece of feedback, a decision. Before you walk into that room and into that conversation, ask yourself, "What game am I choosing to play?" Because the answer will shape everything that follows. The most influential women aren't the ones who always win. They're the women who become conscious enough to choose how they lead even when fear is present. They're the ones that are moving things forward constantly, consistently. That's where self-trust begins. That's where authority grows, and that's where leadership changes.
All right. Have a beautiful week. I'd love to hear how this episode landed with you. I'd love to hear how you are taking this forward for yourself, where you're bringing more consciousness and more curiosity into your day-to-day leadership. All right. Have a beautiful week. I will see you soon. Take good care.
Thank you for being a part of The Balanced Leader community. We hope you found today's episode inspiring and actionable. For more resources and to connect with Yann, visit us at aspire-coaching.co. Until next time, keep leading with confidence and purpose.
But there's a third option, and it's a super powerful one. It is conscious leadership. And I realized it this week playing pickleball with my husband. How, actually, it's not that easy to do, but how incredibly fun it is when you are playing this conscious leadership game. And how it is really about leadership, influence, and emotional attunement.
Today we are talking about the three leadership games women play, how fear quietly determines which game you're in, why neither defense nor offense creates sustainable influence, and how to become conscious enough to choose your response instead of reacting from them. By the end of this episode, you'll learn exactly why so many high-performing women unconsciously move into protection or proving when the stakes feel high and how those patterns impact your leadership. I'm also going to share a simple framework to help you choose a more intentional response in real time.
Welcome to The Balanced Leader, hosted by Yann Dang, a Leadership and Life Coach with over 20 years of corporate experience. Drawing from her journey as a former global finance leader and second-generation immigrant, Yann understands the unique challenges women face in male-dominated workplaces.
Each episode offers insights on balancing masculine and feminine energies, mastering soft skills and building emotional intelligence. Join us to transform frustration into empowerment and unlock your authentic leadership potential.
Hey podcast listeners, I am so excited to be here with you today. I actually this morning just played pickleball with my husband. It's something that we've been picking up. We always try to start our Monday mornings with some sort of different activity. And we've been debating, is it kayak? Is it pickleball? But kayak, we're always, well, it's so hot, and we have to move the kayak. But this morning, we decided it's going to be pickleball. And this is probably the third time we've played together. We played on vacation before. We actually played a few months ago, and then today we played. And it was so much fun. I've got to tell you about this.
But I also wanted to really bring it into this game because I think there are so many unconscious games women play with themselves, with other people. Sometimes we have no idea we're playing them, right? And there is an impact to those games that we play. So let me just share with you how our game went and why as I was thinking about it, I thought, this is going to be a powerful podcast episode.
Because when we started playing, right, I was just trying to keep the ball in. So I was really focused on not getting the ball outside. And then when I got good at that, when I got good at playing not to lose, and I was protecting and making sure I got it in the line, I started just automatically playing to win, really hitting it hard, making it really difficult for him to get on, get the ball. And it was kind of fun, but it was also, he was like, "Whoa, this is kind of hard." And I was, yeah. And it was fun. And we were talking about it. We're like, "Let's just play to keep rallying the balls." By the way, I just want to share, we do not know the rules of pickleball. So we're not even playing by the rules. We like we know the lines, like when it's in or out, but we actually don't know. We're just playing for fun.
And so anyway, we're like, "Let's just keep playing and just rallying and seeing how long we can rally for." And he was sharing with me, "Well, I hit it really high up in the sky so you have enough time to go after it." And I'm like, "Oh, that's really nice of you." I didn't even think about playing this way, right? I was more of defensive in the beginning, trying not to lose, protecting myself, right? And reacting to the ball so that it wouldn't go out.
And then after that, I was just trying to win. I was trying to make it hard for him to get the ball. And then we're moving into this next level where he's like, "Yeah, let's just rally." And it was actually the most enjoyable moments weren't about winning. They were about staying in the rally and actually paying attention, like attuning to each other, paying attention, adjusting, responding, being super present to not only the ball coming my way, but how do I hit it over so that he has time to hit it. And we started creating something together, this movement, right, this momentum back and forth.
And I realized that leadership works the same way. I also thought about this because we've had some fights, and I'm a big proponent of couples and just in the world, I truly believe it's important to fight for things, right? Because that means you're actually part of it. And I know sometimes there might be people who have a really strong aversion to the word fight. I literally mean argue for things and talk about what matters to us. And I know when we have been in fights historically, this last month or so, one of the things that I have found to be incredibly powerful is when I remind him, "Hey, we're on the same team here," or when he reminds me when things get really tough, "Hey, we're on the same team."
So even if we're fighting for something and we're arguing, we remind ourselves we actually want what's best for each other as individuals and as our couple, right? And that just helps us say, "Hey, we're both in this together. We're figuring it out." And so when we were playing with more of this idea to rally, I just noticed how much more I was paying attention to him, how he was paying attention to me, and how we were co-creating this together, right? And I actually think this is a really powerful way to be in the world, co-creating with people and being super conscious of yourself and being emotionally attuned to yourself and to other people.
And I want to just share that there is choices here, right? There are reasons why as women we play certain games in our leadership. And the main goal of today's podcast is to talk about the consciousness, to talk about grounded curiosity, and to really talk about choices, right? This is about choices. So most women think leadership only offers two choices. And I was very much in this, and it actually becomes exhausting after a while, right? You're either protecting yourself or you're proving yourself. So both ways you're kind of performing. You're in this performance, right? You're trying to, and I'll unpack each one of them, right? But there's a third option, and it's about creation, and it's about creating in the moment, being conscious, being present, right? Which is really when you think about the highest levels of leadership, they talk about executive presence because you need to be present to what's happening around you and inside of you, right?
So, let's talk first about the three games. And I'm saying women play this, but men play this as well. But the audience for, the Balanced Leader is like 90% women. So I'm going to talk to the experience of a woman. So the first one is this defensive protective game, right? It sounds like this. Let me stay quiet until I know more. Let me avoid conflict. Let me not upset anyone. Let me make sure everyone approves first, right? The goal is safety, and as women, we're probably more conditioned to be in this game, right? Where we are looking out for threats, where we are really attuned to this fear of loss, loss of approval, loss of belonging, loss of status, loss of certainty.
So, now here's the important part, right? I want you to really hear this because I don't want people to listen to this and be like, "Oh, defensive is so bad, right?" I'm not saying. Defensiveness isn't always bad. Sometimes defense is wisdom. I would never tell a woman to be vulnerable with a known corporate bully, right? I would never tell somebody to go bare your soul and tell them all your feelings, and this is going to have them change. That's just not true. And sometimes protection is appropriate. The issue is not defense. The issue is unconscious defense, right?
It's when you're playing this defensive role and you don't even realize it, and it becomes your autopilot, right? And this is where sometimes people think about maybe your personality at work. People used to say I was the enforcer because there was me from a social point, I'd be very approachable, very easygoing, but then at work, people would call me the enforcer. And there was just this protection. When you're protecting yourself without realizing, that's what you're doing. This is the unconscious defensiveness that sometimes you may carry as a protection, as a way to not expose yourself to the potential of danger, right?
And you know, if you've listened to the podcast in the past, I've shared in the past that for me, with my upbringing, I always had this thought historically that men were there to take advantage of me, which was not helpful for my personal relationships with men, nor were they helpful. They were helpful to an extent. I learned to be very good at asking questions. I learned to be very good at gathering information. But leading with the distrust and leading with the defensiveness at the most senior levels of leadership, my C-suite members wanted to trust me. They wanted to partner with me. They did not want enforcer Yann. They wanted business partner, grounded, curious Yann who's helping them to solve problems.
So that's the difference, right? Defensiveness, if you're choosing it consciously and even from that consciousness, we can still be curious, right? But if you're unconscious to it, you're likely going to miss a lot of things. You're going to have lots of blind spots, and you are going to wonder why leadership feels so heavy because you're constantly in this protective mode.
All right. Well, let's talk about the other piece, offensive. And some people play this game, right, where they are not even realizing it, but it sounds more like this. Let me prove I'm right. Let me win them over. Let me convince them. Let me dominate them. Let me show that I have incredible value to offer. The goal in this offensive game is validation. The fear is inadequacy. So there's still fear behind both games, right? And again, playing that offensive game isn't always wrong, but it's the moments where directness matters, where advocacy matters, where conviction matters, right?
There are going to be moments where it is important for you to use your muscle in this way and to say what it is that you want and need. The issue again becomes when proving becomes the goal because now the conversation becomes about you and not the outcome, right? So sometimes when women are learning to build this muscle, sometimes people end up accusing them of being so self-centered, right?
And that's where that connection to themselves and their consciousness is not so apparent or is not so clear to people because it's often times when it's all about you and you're thinking about you and you're just talking about you and it's about your emotions and you're not seeing the bigger game, people will interpret that as you're just, you just care about yourself, which isn't the truth. You're actually learning to express yourself in different ways, but actually not clear about your level of consciousness in that moment, right?
So I really talk about it as your level of consciousness. When you are connected to yourself, when you're advocating for yourself, but you're consciously aware and you're curious about what's happening, then you're not playing that game on autopilot. You are consciously choosing, and as you're choosing, there's more gray area, right? It's not just one or the other. It's not just one way or the highway. And this is important because we want to catch ourselves. Wow, I really wanted to win, right? You can tell sometimes in an argument, you're like, "Oh, I wasn't caring about the overall outcome. I wanted to win."
And sometimes, and this is why sometimes playing games are fun because it's unconflicted. I want to win. The goal is to win, right? But in the game of leadership where there are other people involved, right, it is also important to understand the context of other people and yourself, not more them, not more you, but really in this grounded, curious center where you're grounded in yourself and you're emotionally attuned to yourself, you will likely be much more attuned to them, right? So as I was playing this pickleball game with my husband, I was attuned to where he was on the pickleball court and where I was actually going to direct the ball to hit it back to him so that he could catch it, to make sure that, it was high enough so that he had space and I wasn't trying to cut all these tiny corners to make it hard for him. We were actually playing to continue playing, to move things forward.
And often times, I think when we're playing a defensive or an offensive game, we don't realize that actually there could be a game where we're literally playing to move the thing forward with other people, co-creating with other people. So this is the third game that I really want to invite you into. It is this game that you are moving things forward, that you're consciously shifting things forward with a group of people, maybe it's with your boss, maybe it's with a peer, but you are consciously and constantly moving things forward. And this is the conscious leadership game. So it sounds like this. What am I trying to create here? What outcome matters most? What serves the relationship? What serves this business? What serves my integrity? Now the conversation becomes bigger than your fear. Now you are not being run by fear, which gets us stuck in that defensive or offensive game.
So, this is again, it's about the nervous system, right? When we are feeling a lot of fear, when fear enters the room, our leadership narrows in. That limbic survival system of ours gets into play, and our brain starts thinking, how do I stay safe? How do I protect myself? How do I avoid pain? How do I win? How do I control this situation? And so when you are playing that game, what actually happens and what is a big cost to you is your presence goes away. Curiosity disappears. Again, discernment disappears because fear is now driving the car.
And we'll link in the episode where we just talked about how if you allow fear to drive the car, it really has you moving into these spaces of either proving or protecting yourself, right? Most women are not consciously choosing their leadership response. They're reacting to the fear they're experiencing in the moment. This is a big reason why I teach all of my clients, the hundreds of women that I teach, to notice their emotions and to name them because if we can name our emotions, this is a way to interrupt that pattern and interrupt that autopilot programming that we all have inside of us, right?
So, here is the self-empowered leadership framework. I've taught it before, but I'm bringing it back with this whole pickleball analogy because I think it's a really powerful way to think about how to play this game where you're actually co-creating, where you can trust your partner, where you can create this environment and to be conscious of it, right? Because I'm also not saying, hey, in every environment you can create this. There may be some times where you're going to be more defensive or more offensive. But I am saying that the more you can wrap around consciousness with this, the better it will be for you, a better experience that will have you advancing without burning out, right? And have you being more connected to yourself.
So, this is the framework, right? It starts with context and curiosity. The next piece is choice. And the fourth piece is commitment. So let me walk you through step by step and use these powerful questions to notice yourself. What game are you playing? Ask yourself that, right? Especially if you feel stuck, especially if you feel emotionally triggered. You want to start asking yourself these questions.
So, let's start with context. What game am I currently playing? Am I defensive? Am I trying to protect myself? Is it offensive? Am I trying to win? Am I trying to be the right one? Or am I conscious? Likely if you're trying to slow down and notice yourself, you're probably not in the conscious leadership game. But simply noticing this changes everything. Because the next step is curiosity. And this is the road to conscious leadership. Curiosity is so, so powerful. And in our very masculine world where we are very task-hungry to check boxes, we are losing our curiosity. We're losing our presence because we are trying to be productive.
So, let's bring us back to curiosity. What is actually happening? And I love asking people sensory-grounded data. What happened in the room? What did you notice, the sensations in your body? What did they actually say? What did you notice in their facial expressions, right? Not interpreting everything, just actually breaking things down in a much more slower way.
I actually, one of my clients just said this week she presented something, the CEO didn't like it. Her boss thought it was great. And I'm like, "Okay, what's the data here? What did he not like specifically? What did your boss like specifically? Let's really break it down and be curious." Versus our brains want to go to, "Well, the CEO didn't like it, so it was just terrible." And then that gets you more in that defensiveness versus, "Hey, well, what did he specifically not like? Let's really break that down."
Because what you want to watch out is your brain may naturally go to, "What am I afraid might happen? What is happening? What are the facts? What outcome matters?" So again with curiosity, you want to know what is actually happening, right? You want to slow your brain down. Not let your brain say, "What am I afraid might happen? What is happening? What are the facts? What outcome matters?" This is where we can kind of slow ourselves down and ask ourselves more a question. What is this person trying to communicate?
So it was also interesting just when I was reading what my client said, I'm like, "Okay, the CEO didn't like it," but she didn't share what he didn't like. It almost seemed like she was just taking on the judgment without being curious, right? But when you're curious, your curiosity expands perspective and you're like, "Oh, this is good that he didn't like this. Now I understand why. I have the context. I'm being curious," versus he didn't like this and that just means it's bad and then gets you into more of that performing mode of, let me just perform or defensive mode, self-protection mode, right?
So, step three is choice. What response serves what I'm trying to create? Right? Not what response makes me feel safest, not what response helps me win. We want you to come back to what response serves the outcome. I was just coaching another client to help her to make choices to activate people towards the outcome she desires, right? To move people, again, volleying. This is about a volleying game because I think also often times when I'm coaching women, they're like, "Oh, but what if this happens?" And then this doomer gloom thing happens. And I'm like, "Life doesn't work that way." Life is a series of conversations. It is a series of actions back and forth.
It's kind of like when people get married and they think they'll just live happily ever after. Getting married is just one more milestone. And then it's continuing to volley with that person and continuing to keep that love alive and to keep that commitment alive and to play this game where you're not just thinking everything's one and done. Life is about conscious choices, about curiosity, and we're growing people, and we're expanding people. But when we feel stuck in our ways and when we feel a lot of fear, we often times don't feel this expansiveness. We feel that we have to stay stuck, you know, and this is why choice is so important and matters so much, right? Because you have a choice to move something forward even a little bit every single day. Move something forward, move a conversation forward, build a little more trust, build a little bit more space for other people, for more curiosity, for yourself, for more self-acceptance.
So, step four is commitment. Can I stay with my choice even if discomfort shows up? Can I stay grounded if someone disagrees? Can I tolerate temporary emotional tension? Can I trust myself? This is commitment. This is you making the choice of consciousness over and over again because leadership isn't tested when everyone agrees. Leadership is tested when discomfort arrives. Can you stay connected to yourself? Can you stay open? Can you stay curious? Can you be alive to yourself being activated?
I want to share one more story, and I've I might have shared it on this podcast before, but I had a relationship with our sales leader that was so difficult. You know, I joined this company. This person, in my mind, hated finance, which basically meant he hated me. And it was not an easy relationship. I was curious about it though. I was like, he barely knows me, so this probably doesn't have that much to do with me. But for sure, I would show up defensively. And often times, offensive, right?
I would often times from a defensive standpoint, I'd come in with all of my numbers and I would share with him that I had the authority to make these decisions. And I would often times say, "I have already agreed with the CEO that this is the way forward," right? I was trying to control him, and I was trying to allow, it was sort of fear dressed up as sophisticated leadership. I'm going to show up really powerfully. But really, I was in some sort of performance. I was either protecting myself or I was proving myself. I think with him, I played probably more defense than offense.
But what I realized is that this is not a winning game for either of us. Both of us running to the CEO to share our problems wasn't elevating either of us. And so something had to change. And I was not willing to wait for him to change. I could have sat there and been like, "I'm going to sit in my corner and wait for him to change." But instead, I chose conscious leadership. I was like, "I'm powerful here. I'm not just a part of the story. I am a player, a key player in the story." And so I started to show up with him much more open, much more curious. And that shifted our relationship. It changed our relationship. Were we best friends? No way. Did we respect each other? Could we move things forward? Yes and yes.
So this is what I want to invite you into, that you have the power to play a more conscious game, to play a more creative game, to play a game where you trust yourself more powerfully and more deeply, and where you're grounded in yourself, and you're more curious about the world and the possibilities that are open to you. This is where expansiveness happens when you play this conscious leadership game. And quite honestly, when I think about playing this game with my husband in our relationship, even on the court, it's just so much more fun to have this partnership, to be attuned to what he's doing, to feel like we're both winning, to be on the same team together, right? And I'm not saying it's easy because it's not. It's not always easy. Sometimes we want to feel, we feel so unstabilized, right? We want to control things.
But I'll share with you one of the things my coach recently said to me, one of my coaches recently said to me is that true freedom is not needing to control everything. It actually is not needing to control because it's you trusting yourself to show up for yourself whatever happens. Period, end of story, right? You getting to decide that you are going to show up.
So, I want you to really take this to heart and ask yourself these questions. Where in your life are you currently playing defense? Where are you playing offense? And where would conscious leadership create a different result for you? More curiosity, more groundedness. Think about a conversation you need to have this week, a meeting, a boundary, a truth, a piece of feedback, a decision. Before you walk into that room and into that conversation, ask yourself, "What game am I choosing to play?" Because the answer will shape everything that follows. The most influential women aren't the ones who always win. They're the women who become conscious enough to choose how they lead even when fear is present. They're the ones that are moving things forward constantly, consistently. That's where self-trust begins. That's where authority grows, and that's where leadership changes.
All right. Have a beautiful week. I'd love to hear how this episode landed with you. I'd love to hear how you are taking this forward for yourself, where you're bringing more consciousness and more curiosity into your day-to-day leadership. All right. Have a beautiful week. I will see you soon. Take good care.
Thank you for being a part of The Balanced Leader community. We hope you found today's episode inspiring and actionable. For more resources and to connect with Yann, visit us at aspire-coaching.co. Until next time, keep leading with confidence and purpose.
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