68. How High-Achieving Women Actually Change
Most women don’t stay stuck because they don’t know what they want. They stay because what they’re doing actually works. The strategies that earned you success kept you safe, got you approval, and delivered results. But survival isn’t leadership, and it isn’t freedom.
In this episode, I introduce the framework that now underpins all of my work: The Inner Authority Change Model. Drawing from my own transformation and years of coaching high-achieving women, I break down why change isn’t about willpower or fixing yourself. It’s about understanding the forces that initiate real change and learning how to stay with it when your nervous system wants to retreat.
Tune in this week to learn the change formula behind real, lasting growth. I share how change is catalyzed through disgust, demand, or desire, why discomfort and disruption are signs that something is working, and how to anchor yourself through identity shifts without self-abandonment.
What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why high-achieving women stay stuck even when they want more.
The three catalysts that initiate real, lasting change.
How discomfort, doubt, and disruption signal identity growth.
The difference between survival strategies and self-led leadership.
The three anchors that help you stay with change without collapsing.
Why desire is the most sustainable force for transformation.
How to build inner authority instead of abandoning yourself mid-change.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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Episodes Related to the Inner Authority Change Model:
63. How High-Achieving Women Can Build Internal Safety Through Self-Validation
65. How to Redefine Power as a Woman Leader (So You Stop Playing Someone Else’s Game)
Full Episode Transcript:
Most women don't stay stuck because they don't know what they want. They stay because what they're doing actually works. But here's the uncomfortable truth. Most women aren't stuck because they're afraid of change. They're stuck because they're loyal to the version of themselves that made them successful. That version kept you safe. It got you approval. It got you results. But survival isn't leadership and it isn't freedom.
Over the last several years, through my own life and through coaching hundreds of high-achieving women, I've seen the same pattern again and again. Women don't fail at change because they're weak. They retreat because no one taught them what real change feels like or what it takes to stay with it. Today, I want to share the framework that now underpins all of my work. I call it The Inner Authority Change Model. Let's dive in.
Welcome to The Balanced Leader, hosted by Yann Dang, a Leadership and Life Coach with over 20 years of corporate experience. Drawing from her journey as a former global finance leader and second-generation immigrant, Yann understands the unique challenges women face in male-dominated workplaces.
Each episode offers insights on balancing masculine and feminine energies, mastering soft skills, and building emotional intelligence. Join us to transform frustration into empowerment and unlock your authentic leadership potential.
Hey podcast listeners, welcome to today's show. I am here to share with you a framework that I have over this last year really put into practice as I go to school on the women that I coach and on myself on what it really takes to change, to make a shift, to make radical transformations in your life, right? I mean, I am a product of my own product. I have gotten coaching over the last 10 years. My life is very different than who I was in my early 30s. I am now living a life that I feel much more satisfied in, and my transformation journey continues to happen. It's happening all the time, but I'm actively engaged with it. It's not something that happens to me.
And as I am scaling and coaching more and more women, I am really on to how to help women understand what it actually takes to change and understand what it takes to commit to that change and understand the byproducts of that change. So, I have created The Inner Authority Change Model. And most of you have probably heard bits and pieces of it, but this is really where I put it all together, where people start understanding what it takes to change. And you've probably heard other episodes where I introduced The Self-Empowered Leadership Model. This is really the how to this, but this is the what. What will it actually take to change myself? And to understand this will help you to understand the whole strategy behind what it takes to change the identity shifts.
And you've probably seen it in other people. Sometimes I have my clients they're like, I was working with this woman and she radically changed the way she shows up. She seems much more relaxed in her body. She is much more calm when she speaks up and interrupts men. And I really want that, right? You can notice there's a change in other people. And they're like, I want that change in myself. And my job as a coach, as a mentor is to help guide people through that change journey in the most effective and efficient way possible, right? And sustainable. That's such a huge thing for me. I want women in my coaching groups and who work with me to have sustainable change for the rest of their lives. That is why I believe that when people come work with me, the ROI that they get is forever. As long as they're alive, as long as they're using their tools, as long as they are keeping conscious the things that they've learned, right?
And so, again, this framework is really to help support people understand what it really takes to change and to shift. And as I've studied myself and other people over the last decade or so, this is what I've come up with, right? So, let's start off with why high-achieving women get stuck and stay stuck.
The women I work with are not lost. Let me be clear. The women I work with are brilliant. They are super intelligent, capable, self-aware, and successful by every external measure. And yet, they come to me saying something like this. This works right now, but it's costing me. I feel stuck even though nothing is technically wrong.
You might not like hearing this, but a lot of what we call being responsible, reliable, strategic, or mature is actually emotional self-abandonment in a socially acceptable form. If you've ever felt proud of how much you can handle and at the same time strangely feel unseen, invisible, or alone, this is for you. That capacity didn't make you weak. It made you powerful. It just outgrew the role it was designed for, right? When we continue doing the same thing over and over again and want different results, right? That is the definition of insanity. So, I want to share about myself though because oftentimes it takes a lot for change to happen, right? We need to understand this for ourselves so that we're not just beating ourselves up. We are actually just more honest with ourselves when things happen.
So, I do want to share this is more of a personal story because as I think about significant changes in my life, I've shared a lot about how I learned how to speak up in rooms full of men, how I learned to stand my own ground with a very abrasive boss, and it actually changed my leadership directory because I was able to do that and so few weren't. But one of the things I have touched a bit about, but haven't really dived deeply into, is my story about dating. And this is actually what caused me to go into getting life coaching for myself and understanding myself so deeply because I realized something was not right, right? On paper it was fine. I had a couple of long relationships. Nothing was obviously wrong. I was doing everything, quote unquote, right, but internally something felt flat, constricted, or muted. I felt like I didn't understand how to have a powerful partnership with someone, have this emotional connection, be able to share my truths with them. And I kept thinking my way into alignment. I read a lot of self-help books. I, you know, practiced affirmations. I was super intentional.
And one day I realized, like, I wasn't heartbroken, I wasn't rejected, I wasn't in crisis. I was just done negotiating my intuition. I kept wanting to be somewhere else. What I realized is I didn't want to be single. And that moment was disgust. Like, I didn't want to be this person that I was. I wanted to escape to being somebody in a relationship, right? It's almost like I wanted to escape myself. And what I noticed, like this sort of disgust of like not with the other person, but how disconnected I felt with myself. How much value I put on myself being in a relationship versus not being in a relationship. And, you know, there was a lot of disgust, right? Because it was like, I wanted to not be here. But actually underneath it, there was also desire. Not desire for someone else, but desire for a version of me that felt more alive, more connected to myself, more honest, more self-led and more emotionally connected to me. Because if I had that, I would probably not be wanting to fill this empty void in my life with somebody, with a relationship. And so it was really important for me to notice that and actually want to change it.
There are so many high-achieving women who live because nothing is wrong enough to justify leaving. Like it's not so bad, right? Part of me was like, well, I can get into a relationship, so that's not a problem. I can attract someone, but maintaining a relationship and really enjoying being in a relationship are lots of different things there. And also, I was really curious and on to myself, like, why do I have this strong need to be in a relationship to feel more worthy of myself, right? So, I want to introduce the change catalyst. What does that mean? So through my own experiences and through coaching hundreds of women, I've seen that real change is initiated by one or more of these three forces. Number one, disgust. It's an internal refusal to keep tolerating what no longer fits. And in a lot of ways, in my dating story, I was disgusted with my own victimhood. I was disgusted in this poor me story, I'm not worthy of a relationship. And I didn't want to keep playing that narrative out in my own head. I didn't respect myself in that narrative. I didn't like myself in that narrative, but yet it kept rolling and rolling, right?
Another thing that happens as a change catalyst is demand, a moment where the old way becomes unsustainable. So in this case, my boyfriend and I broke up, right? He didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. And so it was demanded of me, my shift, right? Me becoming somebody else outside of the relationship was thrusted upon me as well because the person my relationship didn't want to be into it. The person in my demand, right? A moment where the old way becomes unsustainable.
Well, in my case, I was with a boyfriend that had moved with me from London to Singapore, and he did not want to continue our relationship as it was. And so that demanded a change, a shift because I remember when I was leaving Singapore, he was like, why don't you stay and we'll work on our relationship? And I knew myself well enough to be like, I don't know what to work on. If I were to stay here, we would need to get a therapist and we would need some help to work through this because I honestly have no idea what to do. And I felt very grounded in myself saying that because it was just my truth at the time, and he wasn't up for that. And so I left, heartbroken, sad, but that moment demanded me to shift, right? It was a change that was happening to me.
The other way you can think about this, I'll give you another medical way of thinking about this, right? Is like maybe a diagnosis. Maybe you have a diagnosis of cancer, right? The change is demanded on you. You need to make room in your calendar for chemo. You need to make room in your calendar to take care of your mind and body during this time, right? That is another, it's an external thing that happens. It's demanded upon you. I mean, it could also be internal. Maybe you have a mental or emotional breakdown and it's just something that's demanded because your body is screaming, help, help, right?
The next one is desire. So desire is another catalyst. So we talked about disgust, we talked about demand, and now let's talk about desire. This is a future self that pulls you forward through truth and energy. And I did have a piece of this. I desired a strong partnership, one that I could feel alive in, one that I could trust, one where it would be a type of partnership I wouldn't want to escape from or pull myself out of, right?
And actually the desire for me, even when it was about a romantic partner, really was about me. How to be with myself? How to learn to have a relationship with myself that is much deeper than surface level things. How to understand myself and my emotional world in a deep way so that I can connect with myself. Because the more I can connect with myself, the more I connect with other people and the more sustainable I could have a relationship where I wasn't codependent and where I was interdependent and where I could understand where my feelings start and end and where there's feelings starts and ends, right? And these are not things that are taught. So I had to learn this, but those are the catalysts of change.
So it's important to understand that oftentimes we say we want to change, but we need these forces, one or more of them to be in place in order for enough momentum to happen so that you actually choose it and you commit to it, right? So again, disgust pushes us. It's an internal refusal to stop tolerating something. I'm done with victimhood. I'm done with overworking. I'm done with, you know, feeling this way in my body, right? Demand forces, right? There's a demand. You lost your job. You have a cancer diagnosis. Your world is breaking up. You're going to go through a divorce, right? This is a demand that happens to you. And oftentimes it's not by choice, but it just happens and you have to deal with it. And then third, that desire, that pull from your future self, that desire for something greater, knowing that you're meant for more.
So all three of these things happen. I actually have another episode coming up around why desire is the most sustainable way to move forward. Although all of these are super important because they help us shift. And oftentimes, we might desire something, we might feel disgusted. There is a way that we shift from different change catalysts, but it all moves towards that same momentum to shift. We want to shift forward into some other way of being, some other identity that we want to be with.
Okay. So once one or more of those change catalysts happen, there are going to be some byproducts to you making this choice, this change, this change to shift. Once real change begins, four experiences always appear. Number one, discomfort. You will feel discomfort in your body. Your nervous system will need to recalibrate to your new way of being. You will be doing things that you never thought you would be doing before. You will be testing yourself, you will be experimenting, and it will feel destabilizing, right? You are choosing new rules to play by. You are putting yourself in, you know, destabilizing places, you know, where you are experimenting with life.
This is actually what happened to me. I started online dating much more frequently. I started having lots more experiences with people and sharing way more truths and connecting to myself much more deeply. And there was a lot of doubt also that showed up. That's the third one. Doubt will show up. Doubt will say, let's just keep holding on to our old ways of being and our old beliefs and our old patterns. Let's just keep believing that no one was meant to be with me, right? Because that doubt will come up when you're feeling scared. And then of course, disruption will happen. This disruption can happen internally and externally.
Some people will say to you, "Hey, you are changing too much. This is scary," right? They will not feel comfortable with your disruption. You may change the friends you hang out with because you're more consciously aware and making more conscious choices. I remember when I was part of doing my dating journey, I actually had a coach who gave me this assignment to stop drinking and stop having sex for six months. It was highly disruptive to me because I really like enjoyed drinking, right? It was an escape for me. I would say I wasn't an alcoholic, but sure, it was something that took the edge off. And it was highly disruptive for me and my friend group when I stopped. I mean, I just stopped hanging out with certain friends that I realized I actually have more fun with them when I drink and when I don't drink, I don't want to be around them. So it was very disruptive. I was also in a relationship with a man and this was very destabilizing for our relationship because he had entered in it with lots of other thoughts and feelings and thinking of what we would be doing in our relationship and I changed the game. I chose to experiment with different ways of being, right?
So, this is not a story to tell you what to do or how to do it. I am just simply sharing that once you choose to make that shift that comes from disgust, demand or desire, that the byproducts that you will experience and it's important to know you'll experience them because I think often times people are like, why is this happening? I'm supposed to be on this road to like this next level empowered identity. Well, you're first going to experience discomfort, destabilization, doubt, and disruption in your life. And these are oftentimes the things that cause us to not want to change at all because we're like, holy crap, this must mean bad things are happening if too many things are changing. I'm losing myself. Oftentimes, if a client comes to me and says, I feel like I'm losing myself, and we dive in deeper, what we actually discover is that she is finding herself. She's giving herself permission to find herself and to voice things that she always knew to be true, but were too scared to say and didn't give herself permission to say them, right?
And this is the change that we walk through together, right? Where I really help her unpacked thought by thought, emotion by emotion, why things are coming up. And instead of jumping to the conclusion that our survival brain likes to give us so that we can retreat back to our way of being, I help people discern, right? So let me talk more about what that looks like on the other side as you, you know, focus on these different experiences that you have and understand that these are not signs you're doing anything wrong. They are byproducts of identity changes and shifts. If you feel them, something is working. You are working, you are actively, you're not just saying you're making shifts, you are actually doing the hard work of shifting because this is the byproduct.
You know, sometimes people tell me like, I want to lose weight. And I'm like, yeah, me too. It takes a lot of effort, dedication to lose weight. This is why most people would rather take a pill than actually do it. You know, I'm not like a obesity health person who knows all of the ins and outs of it. But what I do say to people is like, yes, it is hard. It is uncomfortable. It's not fun. I love eating carbs. I love having, if you guys are out there, I'm a Vietnamese background, so I love pho and it has all these carbs and rice and all these things that spike your sugar that are not good for you. So, I love this stuff, right? But in order to live the life that I want to live, to be in the body that I want to be in, right? I do the uncomfortable thing and I say no to the thing I want because I know that there is a stronger desire to be healthy and to enjoy my body and to live a full life where I'm not on diabetes medication. So, change and shifting and moving and dedicating, it takes effort. So I want you to understand this, right?
All right. So just to share this with you. From the outside, I looked I was super successful at work. I was respected, capable, totally established, but internally I felt stuck in a lot of ways because I didn't know my value, but because the version of me that had succeeded to be where I was at my current level. I was a director level at that time, no longer fit where I was becoming. This wasn't just discussed anymore. There was a demand. My nervous system kept saying, we can't do this version of success anymore. We have been in this role long enough. And I didn't want to continue staying in this role. I actually felt like I really outgrew this role and it was sort of the first time in my career where I was like, I'm really, really ready for something new.
And so, I share this with you because often times women retreat from change because there's no applause. There's no immediate validation. There's no certainty. Right? Often times when we shift, we want to be validated quickly. We want people to say, "Wow, you're doing such an amazing thing. Go out there and do it." Well, listen, the women that I work with who become more empowered, who stand up for themselves, who are on their own sides, they're often not met with like, oh my gosh, you are amazing, right? You're doing your job, head down and you're just so amazing. Sometimes they get that, but often times people are more used to their old identity. They're more used to them being head down, getting the work done, keeping all of their emotions inside, not expressing themselves, right?
And so often times their bosses do feel a little bit threatened because they're like, whoa, you have lots of demands now. You have lots of emotions. And what we often times think is we're like, well, we want to be applauded for the hard work we're doing. But the truth is that you need to applaud yourself. You need to track yourself. And this is one of the most powerful things I do as a coach. I help my clients track their progress. I celebrate them even when everybody else doesn't. I help them understand that they are going through significant transformation and this work is not always easy. Sometimes this work is deeply painful to let go of our old identities, to let go of relationships that don't serve us to the level that they used to, right? This is not about cutting off relationships, but it is about being honest and truthful about where you are and where you want to be.
So the old identity will whisper to you and say, this was a mistake. This is a mistake. So part of me when I wanted to shift out of that director role and do something bigger, right? Of course, I had a lot of thoughts that maybe this is weakness. I can't stay this, you know, corporate road anymore. It's biology, it's conditioning, right? This is where your inner authority must be anchored. This is where you start understanding that this doubt will creep in, your thoughts about yourself may, you know, shake, but this is where it's so important to do these three things and understand that you have access to them.
Number one, it's about discernment. Knowing the difference between discomfort and danger. So for me as a director at that time, I literally told my boss, I don't know why I'm in this role. And, you know, I think some people would be like, that's really dangerous to tell your boss that he may push you out. But the reality is I wanted to push him out. He promised me his role actually. That was one of the things that when they had hired me, they said, you know, we expect in a year or two for you to move into his role. Well, we were about two years in and I was like, what are you doing? You know, what is my growth trajectory look like?
And I was able to be much more demanding because I wasn't scared of the discomfort of having these conversations. I also knew my value. I knew how valuable I was to the organization. I knew what an asset I was. And so I could discern between discomfort and danger. I knew it wouldn't be comfortable for me to say these things, but at the same time, I also knew it wasn't dangerous because it wasn't like they had a bunch of director level people that were as seasoned, as knowledgeable as I was, right? And so there's a difference between anxiety and intuition, between strategic restraint and self-silencing. And so I chose to speak up. You know, I chose to really disrupt things and say, hey guys, what am I here to do?
You know, I really took my career in my own hands. I talked to my CEO, I talked to my boss directly, and I let them know what I was desiring and it was kind of a scary thing. It was an uncomfortable thing for me to take the reins of my career in that way, right? But I had some of the things. I had disgust on my side. I was disgusted by being in this role for so long and learning and doing the same things over and over again and not learning new things. And I had a deep desire for something bigger, to learn more things, to have a seat at the table on the leadership team. And that's where my boss was. And the reality is if I didn't push him, if I didn't have those uncomfortable conversations, he might have stayed there for another year or two because he was comfortable. He didn't want to move either.
I mean, part of him probably did. He actually went on to becoming a COO and he really enjoyed that job, but I don't think he would have done it if I didn't push him. And I would have stayed stuck as well. But the first thing that you need to do is discern. Discernment is so important. This is critical judgment. It's knowing the difference between discomfort and danger. It's really asking yourself those tough questions when you're in a transition and a change. Right? Like even if I bring up the friend example, you want to ask yourself, were these really my friends if they don't like me when I don't drink? You know, are these really my friends that turn their back on me when I tell them the truth about how I feel? Right? This is that discernment piece.
So these are part of the three anchors that you must anchor yourself into if you want to shift to that next level you, that identity change for you. So number one, discernment. Number two, determination, staying when no one is clapping. Staying the course when people are not clapping, making way for you. This is the determination. This is you having your own back, no matter what. This is you not abandoning yourself. And number three, deciding who you are before the results arrive. I know this is such a hard one because we're such logical people. Often times I'm like, no, tell me this is going to work and I will follow the path, right? But you tell me, I don't know if it's going to work, then I might not want to decide.
But if you decide, so for me, in my dating journey, I consciously decided that I was worthy of a great partnership. I was a high quality, highly desirable woman who was worthy of a man that was as equally desirable. I know, it sounds like a lot, but this is really what I had to get to and stick with and decide as I went through my dating journey. I dated for about four years until I met my husband, and I had some relationships and I had lots and lots of first dates and I had lots of meeting people and understanding people, but I had a lot of growth in myself. And I had to decide ahead of time that I was worthy of this journey and this journey was worthy of me. Because if I didn't, I would continue questioning and questioning and hit up against so much resistance that honestly I'd probably just give up.
All right. So discernment was number one. Determination is another one, right? Staying when no one else is clapping, deciding who you are before arriving. And the third one, which is dedication, repetition without performance, choosing your new self even when the old one would be easier. This dedication underlines the importance of all of this, right? So you're discerning, you're determined, and then you're dedicating. This is what you need to continually do and anchor into in order to overcome the discomfort, the destabilization, the doubt, and of course, the disruption that is your life.
I'm actually going to share a handout for this. So if this is sparking a lot into you, but you are, you know, wanting to get your D’s aligned and understanding what it takes to change, right? In this inner authority change model, I'll recap it for you, but I'll also give you a visual that you can download if you go to this website in the show notes, okay? So let's talk about the anchors again. Discernment, determination, dedication. And then I want to share about the desire layer, which I'm going to have a separate podcast on, but this is super important.
All movement is empowering. I want you to know that whether it's disgust, demand, or desire that is shifting you, that is causing you to want more for yourself, leaving what doesn't fit you anymore is always a form of self-leadership. So I don't want you to beat yourself up if it's from a disgust phase or a demand phase that's causing you to have this shift, but I want you to understand the different layers of it. I want you to understand the energy that it has, and this is pretty critical because it's one of the things that I coach people through and on, right?
Because the energy you move from shapes the experience of the change and depending if you come from disgust, depending if you come from demand, or when you come from desire, here's what I want you to know. When we move from disgust, it's often about escaping something. Sometimes even something we judge about ourselves. And when we move from demand, it can feel like we didn't fully choose it ourselves and instead we resent it or resistance can linger because we're still mad at the world that something happened to us.
Desire is different. Desire says, I want this because I matter and what I desire, I deserve. There's a lot of research that says that what you want is what you want and nobody can take that away from you and it is one of the most powerful human things that helps you to individualize yourself to want things for yourself, to desire things and not to have to justify it. I think it's Dan Sullivan. He said, you know, what you want is what you want and you're it's beautiful that you want something and that you desire it. That self-leadership rooted in self-trust, not self-correction or self-disgust. Again, that self-leadership rooted in self-trust.
So I want you to understand that because desire and you can always choose to desire more. In my own dating journey, of course, I felt disgusted in my victimhood and in my lack of self-worth, but I could also choose to move through the change with desire. Desiring a life for myself with a partner, desiring being worthy because I choose to be worthy, desiring having a family because I want it to be. You can always decide even if you started out with demand or disgust, you can always shift to desire. And that desire will help you to move through that change with less resentment, less resistance, and less self-judgment, more self-love, more self-care, more self-respect. That's what I want for you.
All right. Let me share like the vision of it and again, I will give you a handout if this is hitting home, but as I coach so many women, as I deal with change myself, this is so important to understand because often times people start like playing around with changing and wanting to do these identity shifts, but then they lose their track. They lose their way because it doesn't feel right or they don't have the tools, right? So again, The Inner Authority Change Model. It starts with the catalyst for change. It's going to be disgust, demand, and desire that initiate change, right?
One or all three of those things. That's going to be what actually really causes you to want to shift. Some sort of disgust that you have in something, some sort of demand that you have in your life, and some sort of desire that you have. And the byproducts of this change, this shift happening is discomfort, destabilization, doubt, and disruption. They signal it. They signal that you are actually on this path to true change and transformation because you should be feeling these things. And if you feel them, it means things are going in the right direction, not the wrong direction.
And these are the anchors that you need to have as you are moving through this change and building this inner authority for yourself. Discernment, truly discerning what choices you're making. Is it discomfort or is it danger? Deciding as part of that discernment. Determination. Staying the course, having your own back, even when you have no evidence. And last but not least, dedication, sustaining it, dedicating to it to your own change and transformation. That's why I call this the Inner Authority Change Model because real change isn't about fixing yourself. It's about leading yourself through the instability of becoming. It is almost like you have to disrupt yourself, destroy yourself in order to rebuild. You know, this is part of that rebuilding is to get messy in order to get more clear, in order to get more potent, to have more clarity and conviction in your life, right? This is the process.
All right. Most women think something is wrong when change feels hard, but I am here to share this framework with you. This framework removes self-doubt from the growth process. You're not broken, you're not late, you are becoming. So which catalyst is active for you right now? Is it disgust, demand, or desire? And which anchor will help you stay?
If this has named something you've felt, but never had language for, I'd love for you to share it with me. Feel free to DM me on LinkedIn and if you think this could help other women in your life that are going through significant changes and they're doubting themselves and they're feeling really uncomfortable, then send it to them. This is a framework that can change the way you see yourself as you are moving into the next best version of you. This is the conversation that changes rooms, right? This is what it's all about.
If you are serious about changing your life, changing how you feel and think about yourself, changing your identity, embrace this Inner Authority Change Model. Understand it, play with it, see how it is activated in your life, and use it and share it with someone you love and someone you care about. All right. That is for you. I have a whole other episode on the desire piece and why it is such a powerful change catalyst force. And I am excited to share it with you soon. But there's The Inner Authority Change Model. Again, you can download it to look at it, to really go to school on yourself. And tell me how this lands for you. I'd love to hear from you.
All right. Have a beautiful week ahead and continue embracing changes in your life and in yourself and I am here celebrating you all along the journey. All right. Take really good care. Bye.
Thank you for being a part of The Balanced Leader community. We hope you found today's episode inspiring and actionable. For more resources and to connect with Yann, visit us at aspire-coaching.co. Until next time, keep leading with confidence and purpose.
Over the last several years, through my own life and through coaching hundreds of high-achieving women, I've seen the same pattern again and again. Women don't fail at change because they're weak. They retreat because no one taught them what real change feels like or what it takes to stay with it. Today, I want to share the framework that now underpins all of my work. I call it The Inner Authority Change Model. Let's dive in.
Welcome to The Balanced Leader, hosted by Yann Dang, a Leadership and Life Coach with over 20 years of corporate experience. Drawing from her journey as a former global finance leader and second-generation immigrant, Yann understands the unique challenges women face in male-dominated workplaces.
Each episode offers insights on balancing masculine and feminine energies, mastering soft skills, and building emotional intelligence. Join us to transform frustration into empowerment and unlock your authentic leadership potential.
Hey podcast listeners, welcome to today's show. I am here to share with you a framework that I have over this last year really put into practice as I go to school on the women that I coach and on myself on what it really takes to change, to make a shift, to make radical transformations in your life, right? I mean, I am a product of my own product. I have gotten coaching over the last 10 years. My life is very different than who I was in my early 30s. I am now living a life that I feel much more satisfied in, and my transformation journey continues to happen. It's happening all the time, but I'm actively engaged with it. It's not something that happens to me.
And as I am scaling and coaching more and more women, I am really on to how to help women understand what it actually takes to change and understand what it takes to commit to that change and understand the byproducts of that change. So, I have created The Inner Authority Change Model. And most of you have probably heard bits and pieces of it, but this is really where I put it all together, where people start understanding what it takes to change. And you've probably heard other episodes where I introduced The Self-Empowered Leadership Model. This is really the how to this, but this is the what. What will it actually take to change myself? And to understand this will help you to understand the whole strategy behind what it takes to change the identity shifts.
And you've probably seen it in other people. Sometimes I have my clients they're like, I was working with this woman and she radically changed the way she shows up. She seems much more relaxed in her body. She is much more calm when she speaks up and interrupts men. And I really want that, right? You can notice there's a change in other people. And they're like, I want that change in myself. And my job as a coach, as a mentor is to help guide people through that change journey in the most effective and efficient way possible, right? And sustainable. That's such a huge thing for me. I want women in my coaching groups and who work with me to have sustainable change for the rest of their lives. That is why I believe that when people come work with me, the ROI that they get is forever. As long as they're alive, as long as they're using their tools, as long as they are keeping conscious the things that they've learned, right?
And so, again, this framework is really to help support people understand what it really takes to change and to shift. And as I've studied myself and other people over the last decade or so, this is what I've come up with, right? So, let's start off with why high-achieving women get stuck and stay stuck.
The women I work with are not lost. Let me be clear. The women I work with are brilliant. They are super intelligent, capable, self-aware, and successful by every external measure. And yet, they come to me saying something like this. This works right now, but it's costing me. I feel stuck even though nothing is technically wrong.
You might not like hearing this, but a lot of what we call being responsible, reliable, strategic, or mature is actually emotional self-abandonment in a socially acceptable form. If you've ever felt proud of how much you can handle and at the same time strangely feel unseen, invisible, or alone, this is for you. That capacity didn't make you weak. It made you powerful. It just outgrew the role it was designed for, right? When we continue doing the same thing over and over again and want different results, right? That is the definition of insanity. So, I want to share about myself though because oftentimes it takes a lot for change to happen, right? We need to understand this for ourselves so that we're not just beating ourselves up. We are actually just more honest with ourselves when things happen.
So, I do want to share this is more of a personal story because as I think about significant changes in my life, I've shared a lot about how I learned how to speak up in rooms full of men, how I learned to stand my own ground with a very abrasive boss, and it actually changed my leadership directory because I was able to do that and so few weren't. But one of the things I have touched a bit about, but haven't really dived deeply into, is my story about dating. And this is actually what caused me to go into getting life coaching for myself and understanding myself so deeply because I realized something was not right, right? On paper it was fine. I had a couple of long relationships. Nothing was obviously wrong. I was doing everything, quote unquote, right, but internally something felt flat, constricted, or muted. I felt like I didn't understand how to have a powerful partnership with someone, have this emotional connection, be able to share my truths with them. And I kept thinking my way into alignment. I read a lot of self-help books. I, you know, practiced affirmations. I was super intentional.
And one day I realized, like, I wasn't heartbroken, I wasn't rejected, I wasn't in crisis. I was just done negotiating my intuition. I kept wanting to be somewhere else. What I realized is I didn't want to be single. And that moment was disgust. Like, I didn't want to be this person that I was. I wanted to escape to being somebody in a relationship, right? It's almost like I wanted to escape myself. And what I noticed, like this sort of disgust of like not with the other person, but how disconnected I felt with myself. How much value I put on myself being in a relationship versus not being in a relationship. And, you know, there was a lot of disgust, right? Because it was like, I wanted to not be here. But actually underneath it, there was also desire. Not desire for someone else, but desire for a version of me that felt more alive, more connected to myself, more honest, more self-led and more emotionally connected to me. Because if I had that, I would probably not be wanting to fill this empty void in my life with somebody, with a relationship. And so it was really important for me to notice that and actually want to change it.
There are so many high-achieving women who live because nothing is wrong enough to justify leaving. Like it's not so bad, right? Part of me was like, well, I can get into a relationship, so that's not a problem. I can attract someone, but maintaining a relationship and really enjoying being in a relationship are lots of different things there. And also, I was really curious and on to myself, like, why do I have this strong need to be in a relationship to feel more worthy of myself, right? So, I want to introduce the change catalyst. What does that mean? So through my own experiences and through coaching hundreds of women, I've seen that real change is initiated by one or more of these three forces. Number one, disgust. It's an internal refusal to keep tolerating what no longer fits. And in a lot of ways, in my dating story, I was disgusted with my own victimhood. I was disgusted in this poor me story, I'm not worthy of a relationship. And I didn't want to keep playing that narrative out in my own head. I didn't respect myself in that narrative. I didn't like myself in that narrative, but yet it kept rolling and rolling, right?
Another thing that happens as a change catalyst is demand, a moment where the old way becomes unsustainable. So in this case, my boyfriend and I broke up, right? He didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. And so it was demanded of me, my shift, right? Me becoming somebody else outside of the relationship was thrusted upon me as well because the person my relationship didn't want to be into it. The person in my demand, right? A moment where the old way becomes unsustainable.
Well, in my case, I was with a boyfriend that had moved with me from London to Singapore, and he did not want to continue our relationship as it was. And so that demanded a change, a shift because I remember when I was leaving Singapore, he was like, why don't you stay and we'll work on our relationship? And I knew myself well enough to be like, I don't know what to work on. If I were to stay here, we would need to get a therapist and we would need some help to work through this because I honestly have no idea what to do. And I felt very grounded in myself saying that because it was just my truth at the time, and he wasn't up for that. And so I left, heartbroken, sad, but that moment demanded me to shift, right? It was a change that was happening to me.
The other way you can think about this, I'll give you another medical way of thinking about this, right? Is like maybe a diagnosis. Maybe you have a diagnosis of cancer, right? The change is demanded on you. You need to make room in your calendar for chemo. You need to make room in your calendar to take care of your mind and body during this time, right? That is another, it's an external thing that happens. It's demanded upon you. I mean, it could also be internal. Maybe you have a mental or emotional breakdown and it's just something that's demanded because your body is screaming, help, help, right?
The next one is desire. So desire is another catalyst. So we talked about disgust, we talked about demand, and now let's talk about desire. This is a future self that pulls you forward through truth and energy. And I did have a piece of this. I desired a strong partnership, one that I could feel alive in, one that I could trust, one where it would be a type of partnership I wouldn't want to escape from or pull myself out of, right?
And actually the desire for me, even when it was about a romantic partner, really was about me. How to be with myself? How to learn to have a relationship with myself that is much deeper than surface level things. How to understand myself and my emotional world in a deep way so that I can connect with myself. Because the more I can connect with myself, the more I connect with other people and the more sustainable I could have a relationship where I wasn't codependent and where I was interdependent and where I could understand where my feelings start and end and where there's feelings starts and ends, right? And these are not things that are taught. So I had to learn this, but those are the catalysts of change.
So it's important to understand that oftentimes we say we want to change, but we need these forces, one or more of them to be in place in order for enough momentum to happen so that you actually choose it and you commit to it, right? So again, disgust pushes us. It's an internal refusal to stop tolerating something. I'm done with victimhood. I'm done with overworking. I'm done with, you know, feeling this way in my body, right? Demand forces, right? There's a demand. You lost your job. You have a cancer diagnosis. Your world is breaking up. You're going to go through a divorce, right? This is a demand that happens to you. And oftentimes it's not by choice, but it just happens and you have to deal with it. And then third, that desire, that pull from your future self, that desire for something greater, knowing that you're meant for more.
So all three of these things happen. I actually have another episode coming up around why desire is the most sustainable way to move forward. Although all of these are super important because they help us shift. And oftentimes, we might desire something, we might feel disgusted. There is a way that we shift from different change catalysts, but it all moves towards that same momentum to shift. We want to shift forward into some other way of being, some other identity that we want to be with.
Okay. So once one or more of those change catalysts happen, there are going to be some byproducts to you making this choice, this change, this change to shift. Once real change begins, four experiences always appear. Number one, discomfort. You will feel discomfort in your body. Your nervous system will need to recalibrate to your new way of being. You will be doing things that you never thought you would be doing before. You will be testing yourself, you will be experimenting, and it will feel destabilizing, right? You are choosing new rules to play by. You are putting yourself in, you know, destabilizing places, you know, where you are experimenting with life.
This is actually what happened to me. I started online dating much more frequently. I started having lots more experiences with people and sharing way more truths and connecting to myself much more deeply. And there was a lot of doubt also that showed up. That's the third one. Doubt will show up. Doubt will say, let's just keep holding on to our old ways of being and our old beliefs and our old patterns. Let's just keep believing that no one was meant to be with me, right? Because that doubt will come up when you're feeling scared. And then of course, disruption will happen. This disruption can happen internally and externally.
Some people will say to you, "Hey, you are changing too much. This is scary," right? They will not feel comfortable with your disruption. You may change the friends you hang out with because you're more consciously aware and making more conscious choices. I remember when I was part of doing my dating journey, I actually had a coach who gave me this assignment to stop drinking and stop having sex for six months. It was highly disruptive to me because I really like enjoyed drinking, right? It was an escape for me. I would say I wasn't an alcoholic, but sure, it was something that took the edge off. And it was highly disruptive for me and my friend group when I stopped. I mean, I just stopped hanging out with certain friends that I realized I actually have more fun with them when I drink and when I don't drink, I don't want to be around them. So it was very disruptive. I was also in a relationship with a man and this was very destabilizing for our relationship because he had entered in it with lots of other thoughts and feelings and thinking of what we would be doing in our relationship and I changed the game. I chose to experiment with different ways of being, right?
So, this is not a story to tell you what to do or how to do it. I am just simply sharing that once you choose to make that shift that comes from disgust, demand or desire, that the byproducts that you will experience and it's important to know you'll experience them because I think often times people are like, why is this happening? I'm supposed to be on this road to like this next level empowered identity. Well, you're first going to experience discomfort, destabilization, doubt, and disruption in your life. And these are oftentimes the things that cause us to not want to change at all because we're like, holy crap, this must mean bad things are happening if too many things are changing. I'm losing myself. Oftentimes, if a client comes to me and says, I feel like I'm losing myself, and we dive in deeper, what we actually discover is that she is finding herself. She's giving herself permission to find herself and to voice things that she always knew to be true, but were too scared to say and didn't give herself permission to say them, right?
And this is the change that we walk through together, right? Where I really help her unpacked thought by thought, emotion by emotion, why things are coming up. And instead of jumping to the conclusion that our survival brain likes to give us so that we can retreat back to our way of being, I help people discern, right? So let me talk more about what that looks like on the other side as you, you know, focus on these different experiences that you have and understand that these are not signs you're doing anything wrong. They are byproducts of identity changes and shifts. If you feel them, something is working. You are working, you are actively, you're not just saying you're making shifts, you are actually doing the hard work of shifting because this is the byproduct.
You know, sometimes people tell me like, I want to lose weight. And I'm like, yeah, me too. It takes a lot of effort, dedication to lose weight. This is why most people would rather take a pill than actually do it. You know, I'm not like a obesity health person who knows all of the ins and outs of it. But what I do say to people is like, yes, it is hard. It is uncomfortable. It's not fun. I love eating carbs. I love having, if you guys are out there, I'm a Vietnamese background, so I love pho and it has all these carbs and rice and all these things that spike your sugar that are not good for you. So, I love this stuff, right? But in order to live the life that I want to live, to be in the body that I want to be in, right? I do the uncomfortable thing and I say no to the thing I want because I know that there is a stronger desire to be healthy and to enjoy my body and to live a full life where I'm not on diabetes medication. So, change and shifting and moving and dedicating, it takes effort. So I want you to understand this, right?
All right. So just to share this with you. From the outside, I looked I was super successful at work. I was respected, capable, totally established, but internally I felt stuck in a lot of ways because I didn't know my value, but because the version of me that had succeeded to be where I was at my current level. I was a director level at that time, no longer fit where I was becoming. This wasn't just discussed anymore. There was a demand. My nervous system kept saying, we can't do this version of success anymore. We have been in this role long enough. And I didn't want to continue staying in this role. I actually felt like I really outgrew this role and it was sort of the first time in my career where I was like, I'm really, really ready for something new.
And so, I share this with you because often times women retreat from change because there's no applause. There's no immediate validation. There's no certainty. Right? Often times when we shift, we want to be validated quickly. We want people to say, "Wow, you're doing such an amazing thing. Go out there and do it." Well, listen, the women that I work with who become more empowered, who stand up for themselves, who are on their own sides, they're often not met with like, oh my gosh, you are amazing, right? You're doing your job, head down and you're just so amazing. Sometimes they get that, but often times people are more used to their old identity. They're more used to them being head down, getting the work done, keeping all of their emotions inside, not expressing themselves, right?
And so often times their bosses do feel a little bit threatened because they're like, whoa, you have lots of demands now. You have lots of emotions. And what we often times think is we're like, well, we want to be applauded for the hard work we're doing. But the truth is that you need to applaud yourself. You need to track yourself. And this is one of the most powerful things I do as a coach. I help my clients track their progress. I celebrate them even when everybody else doesn't. I help them understand that they are going through significant transformation and this work is not always easy. Sometimes this work is deeply painful to let go of our old identities, to let go of relationships that don't serve us to the level that they used to, right? This is not about cutting off relationships, but it is about being honest and truthful about where you are and where you want to be.
So the old identity will whisper to you and say, this was a mistake. This is a mistake. So part of me when I wanted to shift out of that director role and do something bigger, right? Of course, I had a lot of thoughts that maybe this is weakness. I can't stay this, you know, corporate road anymore. It's biology, it's conditioning, right? This is where your inner authority must be anchored. This is where you start understanding that this doubt will creep in, your thoughts about yourself may, you know, shake, but this is where it's so important to do these three things and understand that you have access to them.
Number one, it's about discernment. Knowing the difference between discomfort and danger. So for me as a director at that time, I literally told my boss, I don't know why I'm in this role. And, you know, I think some people would be like, that's really dangerous to tell your boss that he may push you out. But the reality is I wanted to push him out. He promised me his role actually. That was one of the things that when they had hired me, they said, you know, we expect in a year or two for you to move into his role. Well, we were about two years in and I was like, what are you doing? You know, what is my growth trajectory look like?
And I was able to be much more demanding because I wasn't scared of the discomfort of having these conversations. I also knew my value. I knew how valuable I was to the organization. I knew what an asset I was. And so I could discern between discomfort and danger. I knew it wouldn't be comfortable for me to say these things, but at the same time, I also knew it wasn't dangerous because it wasn't like they had a bunch of director level people that were as seasoned, as knowledgeable as I was, right? And so there's a difference between anxiety and intuition, between strategic restraint and self-silencing. And so I chose to speak up. You know, I chose to really disrupt things and say, hey guys, what am I here to do?
You know, I really took my career in my own hands. I talked to my CEO, I talked to my boss directly, and I let them know what I was desiring and it was kind of a scary thing. It was an uncomfortable thing for me to take the reins of my career in that way, right? But I had some of the things. I had disgust on my side. I was disgusted by being in this role for so long and learning and doing the same things over and over again and not learning new things. And I had a deep desire for something bigger, to learn more things, to have a seat at the table on the leadership team. And that's where my boss was. And the reality is if I didn't push him, if I didn't have those uncomfortable conversations, he might have stayed there for another year or two because he was comfortable. He didn't want to move either.
I mean, part of him probably did. He actually went on to becoming a COO and he really enjoyed that job, but I don't think he would have done it if I didn't push him. And I would have stayed stuck as well. But the first thing that you need to do is discern. Discernment is so important. This is critical judgment. It's knowing the difference between discomfort and danger. It's really asking yourself those tough questions when you're in a transition and a change. Right? Like even if I bring up the friend example, you want to ask yourself, were these really my friends if they don't like me when I don't drink? You know, are these really my friends that turn their back on me when I tell them the truth about how I feel? Right? This is that discernment piece.
So these are part of the three anchors that you must anchor yourself into if you want to shift to that next level you, that identity change for you. So number one, discernment. Number two, determination, staying when no one is clapping. Staying the course when people are not clapping, making way for you. This is the determination. This is you having your own back, no matter what. This is you not abandoning yourself. And number three, deciding who you are before the results arrive. I know this is such a hard one because we're such logical people. Often times I'm like, no, tell me this is going to work and I will follow the path, right? But you tell me, I don't know if it's going to work, then I might not want to decide.
But if you decide, so for me, in my dating journey, I consciously decided that I was worthy of a great partnership. I was a high quality, highly desirable woman who was worthy of a man that was as equally desirable. I know, it sounds like a lot, but this is really what I had to get to and stick with and decide as I went through my dating journey. I dated for about four years until I met my husband, and I had some relationships and I had lots and lots of first dates and I had lots of meeting people and understanding people, but I had a lot of growth in myself. And I had to decide ahead of time that I was worthy of this journey and this journey was worthy of me. Because if I didn't, I would continue questioning and questioning and hit up against so much resistance that honestly I'd probably just give up.
All right. So discernment was number one. Determination is another one, right? Staying when no one else is clapping, deciding who you are before arriving. And the third one, which is dedication, repetition without performance, choosing your new self even when the old one would be easier. This dedication underlines the importance of all of this, right? So you're discerning, you're determined, and then you're dedicating. This is what you need to continually do and anchor into in order to overcome the discomfort, the destabilization, the doubt, and of course, the disruption that is your life.
I'm actually going to share a handout for this. So if this is sparking a lot into you, but you are, you know, wanting to get your D’s aligned and understanding what it takes to change, right? In this inner authority change model, I'll recap it for you, but I'll also give you a visual that you can download if you go to this website in the show notes, okay? So let's talk about the anchors again. Discernment, determination, dedication. And then I want to share about the desire layer, which I'm going to have a separate podcast on, but this is super important.
All movement is empowering. I want you to know that whether it's disgust, demand, or desire that is shifting you, that is causing you to want more for yourself, leaving what doesn't fit you anymore is always a form of self-leadership. So I don't want you to beat yourself up if it's from a disgust phase or a demand phase that's causing you to have this shift, but I want you to understand the different layers of it. I want you to understand the energy that it has, and this is pretty critical because it's one of the things that I coach people through and on, right?
Because the energy you move from shapes the experience of the change and depending if you come from disgust, depending if you come from demand, or when you come from desire, here's what I want you to know. When we move from disgust, it's often about escaping something. Sometimes even something we judge about ourselves. And when we move from demand, it can feel like we didn't fully choose it ourselves and instead we resent it or resistance can linger because we're still mad at the world that something happened to us.
Desire is different. Desire says, I want this because I matter and what I desire, I deserve. There's a lot of research that says that what you want is what you want and nobody can take that away from you and it is one of the most powerful human things that helps you to individualize yourself to want things for yourself, to desire things and not to have to justify it. I think it's Dan Sullivan. He said, you know, what you want is what you want and you're it's beautiful that you want something and that you desire it. That self-leadership rooted in self-trust, not self-correction or self-disgust. Again, that self-leadership rooted in self-trust.
So I want you to understand that because desire and you can always choose to desire more. In my own dating journey, of course, I felt disgusted in my victimhood and in my lack of self-worth, but I could also choose to move through the change with desire. Desiring a life for myself with a partner, desiring being worthy because I choose to be worthy, desiring having a family because I want it to be. You can always decide even if you started out with demand or disgust, you can always shift to desire. And that desire will help you to move through that change with less resentment, less resistance, and less self-judgment, more self-love, more self-care, more self-respect. That's what I want for you.
All right. Let me share like the vision of it and again, I will give you a handout if this is hitting home, but as I coach so many women, as I deal with change myself, this is so important to understand because often times people start like playing around with changing and wanting to do these identity shifts, but then they lose their track. They lose their way because it doesn't feel right or they don't have the tools, right? So again, The Inner Authority Change Model. It starts with the catalyst for change. It's going to be disgust, demand, and desire that initiate change, right?
One or all three of those things. That's going to be what actually really causes you to want to shift. Some sort of disgust that you have in something, some sort of demand that you have in your life, and some sort of desire that you have. And the byproducts of this change, this shift happening is discomfort, destabilization, doubt, and disruption. They signal it. They signal that you are actually on this path to true change and transformation because you should be feeling these things. And if you feel them, it means things are going in the right direction, not the wrong direction.
And these are the anchors that you need to have as you are moving through this change and building this inner authority for yourself. Discernment, truly discerning what choices you're making. Is it discomfort or is it danger? Deciding as part of that discernment. Determination. Staying the course, having your own back, even when you have no evidence. And last but not least, dedication, sustaining it, dedicating to it to your own change and transformation. That's why I call this the Inner Authority Change Model because real change isn't about fixing yourself. It's about leading yourself through the instability of becoming. It is almost like you have to disrupt yourself, destroy yourself in order to rebuild. You know, this is part of that rebuilding is to get messy in order to get more clear, in order to get more potent, to have more clarity and conviction in your life, right? This is the process.
All right. Most women think something is wrong when change feels hard, but I am here to share this framework with you. This framework removes self-doubt from the growth process. You're not broken, you're not late, you are becoming. So which catalyst is active for you right now? Is it disgust, demand, or desire? And which anchor will help you stay?
If this has named something you've felt, but never had language for, I'd love for you to share it with me. Feel free to DM me on LinkedIn and if you think this could help other women in your life that are going through significant changes and they're doubting themselves and they're feeling really uncomfortable, then send it to them. This is a framework that can change the way you see yourself as you are moving into the next best version of you. This is the conversation that changes rooms, right? This is what it's all about.
If you are serious about changing your life, changing how you feel and think about yourself, changing your identity, embrace this Inner Authority Change Model. Understand it, play with it, see how it is activated in your life, and use it and share it with someone you love and someone you care about. All right. That is for you. I have a whole other episode on the desire piece and why it is such a powerful change catalyst force. And I am excited to share it with you soon. But there's The Inner Authority Change Model. Again, you can download it to look at it, to really go to school on yourself. And tell me how this lands for you. I'd love to hear from you.
All right. Have a beautiful week ahead and continue embracing changes in your life and in yourself and I am here celebrating you all along the journey. All right. Take really good care. Bye.
Thank you for being a part of The Balanced Leader community. We hope you found today's episode inspiring and actionable. For more resources and to connect with Yann, visit us at aspire-coaching.co. Until next time, keep leading with confidence and purpose.
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