61. Real-Time Coaching for Women Leaders: Mastering Thoughts, Emotions, and Actions
Have you ever wondered why some women seem to command a room effortlessly while others struggle despite having all the qualifications?
In this episode, you're witnessing something extraordinary: real women in a live coaching session with me, discovering exactly how their thoughts create their leadership presence. These aren't rehearsed success stories or theoretical concepts. These are actual high-achieving women working through real workplace challenges in real time.
Tune in this week to hear women naming emotions, catching automatic thoughts, and having breakthroughs as they trace their experiences backward. We discuss the power of the executive pause, a simple framework that helps you generate confidence on purpose, and why naming your emotions in real time gives you more leadership power, not less.
Interested in working with me? Book a free 1:1 consultation here!
What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
How the simple framework of circumstance → thought → feeling → action → result explains every experience in your life.
Why naming your emotions and tracking back to the thought that created them builds next-level awareness.
The power of "executive pause" and other phrases that buy you time to process in high-stakes situations.
How men naturally create space in meetings (and the exact phrases they use that you can adopt).
Why showing emotion strategically builds more trust and connection than maintaining a "professional" facade.
How to practice self-coaching so you can intercept unproductive patterns before they play out.
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Full Episode Transcript:
In today's episode, we're doing something powerful. You're about to hear real women, high-achieving leaders, executives, and decision-makers stepping into live coaching with me and get real-time clarity using my proven frameworks that I teach in all my programs. If you're new to my work, here's the foundation. We use a simple but transformational framework which helps you to see exactly what results you're getting, why you're getting them, and how to change them.
Here's how it works. Every experience in your life begins with a circumstance, a fact, something neutral that anyone could agree on, like the sky is blue or it's raining, right? People can't really argue with the circumstance of what's happening outside. Then instantly, your brain assigns meaning to it. That meaning becomes a thought. So for example, if the sky is blue, you might say, "What a wonderful day ahead." If it's rainy, you might say, "Oh, crap." And that thought creates a feeling, your emotional experience in that moment, right? Your feelings drive your actions. So that feeling could be, "Great, I'm going to enjoy and have joy in my day in the sunlight, in the blue sky." Or it could be, "It's raining and this sucks, right? And I feel sad about it because I had maybe plans to walk around."
So your thought and feeling drive your actions. And that action is the way you show up, the way you speak up or sometimes shut down. So if the sky is blue, you might say, "I'm going to show up outside. I'm going to speak up and call my friend and say, 'Let's go for a walk.'" Or if it's raining, you might shut down and say, "Crap, I'm just going to stay inside and watch movies." And those actions create your results in your life, right? They create new things for you.
And the magic is this: when you learn to slow down, what some of the women today beautifully describe as the executive pause, you gain the ability to notice your thoughts and choose new ones that actually serve you. It is really about being discerning and disciplined about the thoughts you are having because those thoughts drive the emotions in your body, drive the action you take.
You'll hear women naming their emotions in real time, catching automatic thoughts, and having breakthroughs as we trace their experiences backward to the thought that sparked everything. This matters because so many brilliant, capable women walk into rooms where confidence seems effortless for their male counterparts. And yet, confidence isn't something you're born with. It's something you build by understanding your mind and the context within you're working in.
When you know how your thoughts create your results, confidence becomes something you can generate on purpose, not something you have or don't have or that you're born with or not born with. It's a practice, it's a tool, it's an understanding of what it takes to show up in a room and have empowering thoughts that generate feelings in your body. Maybe it's courage, maybe it's groundedness, maybe it's powerful. And that in turn has you doing actions, maybe standing up straighter, taking up more space, speaking up that create results in your life.
And that's what today's episode is all about. Real women, real leadership moments, real emotions being coached live using this framework. You'll hear moments of awareness, vulnerability, awkwardness, empowerment, and those subtle but life-changing shifts that happen when you finally see your own mind with clarity. So settle in, you are about to witness what happens when high-achieving women learn to lead themselves first and rewrite the results they create in their careers and their lives.
All right, go and enjoy the episode. And here's a flavor of what is in store for you if you are a woman who's ready to take on more of her own journey, her inward journey, so that she can show up even more powerfully outwardly. All right, enjoy today's show and let me know what you think about it.
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Welcome to The Balanced Leader, hosted by Yann Dang, a Leadership and Life Coach with over 20 years of corporate experience. Drawing from her journey as a former global finance leader and second-generation immigrant, Yann understands the unique challenges women face in male-dominated workplaces.
Each episode offers insights on balancing masculine and feminine energies, mastering soft skills, and building emotional intelligence. Join us to transform frustration into empowerment and unlock your authentic leadership potential.
Anonymous: So we've been working together a while, and one of the things that you taught that is really useful is to notice the feeling and name it, call it out. And that's very useful in dealing with other people, but when you name that feeling and then you do something to improve your grounding, you can think more clearly. But one of the things we don't do is go backwards and reassess, oh, what thoughts created that feeling. We do one-on-one, right? But when I'm in the moment and this is happening, I don't go back and why am I thinking this? And maybe that's not important because what's important is becoming grounded and getting logic in there and having that executive presence more so than figuring out why that emotion came up.
Yann Dang: Well, I think both are important, right? And it's like mastering different level skills. If you can name the thought and there's some questions, "Do thoughts comes first or do feelings come first?" I think either one is actually just important in itself because your thought or your feeling is what's going to dictate the action. But it is - you can, first of all, just naming your emotion and sensing it in your body is a skill of awareness and noticing your thoughts is a skill of awareness. But tracking back is a next level skill to actually ask yourself, "What am I thinking? What am I making this mean?"
Because the context of where we are and we're making meaning out of things all the time. And so if you can ask yourself that question, "What am I making this statement mean about me or about the situation?" then it can also slow you down to notice, "Oh, is that the correct assumption? Do I like that choice that I'm making? Is it actually true? Can I reality check it?" So is there an example that you have? I know it was just Thanksgiving. Were there things that came up where you had an emotion and we can track back to what the thought was as well.
Anonymous: Well, it was more just in general a comment. I mean, feelings are something obviously you feel them, so they're very noticeable. My main thought was the thought may be so fast you don't catch it. They happen at the same time, the thought and the feeling, but the feeling is what you notice. You don't necessarily notice the thought. You know, the example, and I think it just depends on the situation too, if you're absorbing or interacting, right? On that feeling. Because if you're absorbing, you have time to think. But if you're on the hot seat and someone said something and you are supposed to respond, you're stressed and you don't always have time.
Yann Dang: Exactly. I talk about this. It's a practice, right? The more you practice the skill of tracking yourself, the better you'll get at it. It's kind of like when you're doing yoga, right? When you're first learning the moves, you're like, "Okay, let me learn what the move is and how to do it." Then after a while, you start learning how to understand your body in a way of what's actually getting stretched. You can build on top of it. And so the people, right? If you're starting to practice the skill, you'll start catching it. Just like practicing, some people just have to start with emotions. Literally, a lot of people, you ask them if they have an emotion, they'll say, "I'm tired." There's not, right? So even having the language to say, "I feel angry, I feel hurt, I feel scared," and then that pause to slow down and to say, "Oh, what is the thought that I'm having right now?"
Anonymous: I said you don't have time to process and actually it's a false belief. I taught myself on that.
Yann Dang: But that's good. See? So you're starting to catch yourself. I think I've shared, you know, if I haven't shared with you, there are men that are really good about doing this in high stake meetings. I've gone to school with them onto them and I've noticed how can they do that. I've literally in meetings where men are like, "Hey, hang on a minute." And they're literally telling everybody like, "Hang on. Like I'm catching up with myself and let me write the story." If there's a narrative that's playing out in the meeting and they're like, "Hang on a minute, this actually these aren't the facts. Like let me write the story." But they have to be noticing themselves and the room in order to do that.
Or recently, one of my clients brought something to her CEO and he was not ready for it. And he said, "I'm not prepared to talk about this at this time." So he just bought himself a whole lot of space because he was noticing lots of thoughts and feelings that he was probably like, "I shouldn't act on this. This is a very highly valuable person in front of me. She's asking for a lot more things, and I'm feeling uncomfortable." And he knew enough to say, "I'm not ready to have this conversation." And it was very professional, but it gave him space, right? We need to learn the words to help us give ourselves space in some of those moments where we're like, I need to, let me slow, slow down, you know? Let me slow myself down and start to notice what other context, what other stuff is actually happening in the moment. But you just caught yourself, which is great, right? You just caught yourself telling yourself an assumption and now you know, "Oh, I, you know, I feel fear. I feel like I have to answer right away." Which is not true.
Anonymous: Well, I think the takeaway is executive pause is a tagline, like that's kind of a key phrase to trigger when I feel like I need to react. And mentally, if I think "executive pause," in addition to the breathing, naming the feeling, right? It can slow me down if I'm feeling that urge to just say something immediately because everyone's looking at me waiting for an answer. That's very stressful.
Yann Dang: Yeah, and then you just want to react. And sometimes our gut reaction is continuing to create patterns that are continuing, right? Like fights with our family members, it's the circular thing versus if you can pause and start intercepting yourself. Another things I like to personally say to myself when I'm feeling a lot of fear is that I like to say, "I have a choice." Because part of what's happening in my brain is like, somehow I feel like I don't have a choice and there's a lot of fear. But if I can remind myself I have a choice, then I can start tracking. Yeah, what are your thoughts there?
Anonymous: Yeah, that like really resonated with me. I was in a bad relationship once, and I don't want to get into these details, but when it felt overwhelming, the thing that got me through it was just telling myself, "I have a choice. I can walk out the door at any moment." So that was really empowering to like get through some really tough times.
Yann Dang: And who can relate to that?
Anonymous: I'm really getting a lot out of what you've been saying the last, the leadership lab and, you know, that executive pause. I was in a situation on Wednesday where I... This might be dramatic, but I went to the coffee shop and I was just ordering my coffee and there was somebody I live in a small town and I had a really public facing job that I was fired from recently, and it was very, very public. Facebook, everybody, you know, knows what they think on Facebook. And someone had made a comment on Facebook. This is several, a couple months ago now, about a month and a half ago now.
So this woman was in the coffee shop and she's like, "Hey, just congratulations on your new job. And I just want to apologize for my husband and what he said on Facebook." And I had no idea what she was talking about. And so I'm kind of like thinking and I was like, "Okay." And then it sort of hit me and I knew exactly what she was talking about. I knew exactly the comment that she was talking about. And I just looked at her and I was like, "Oh, are you married to..." And she's like, "Yeah." And I said, "Huh, okay, well, you're going to have to give me a minute to process this information."
And I felt like, I mean, if I hadn't maybe had that, I'm not sure exactly what I would have responded to her. It ended up that we, I mean, I didn't yell at her or anything, but I was really upset. Like I started crying and it was a terrible situation. She was trying to comfort me and hug me and I didn't want to touch her and all this stuff, but basically this guy said that I should have been in jail for a baseball stadium that I had to take down that was condemned. And I'm like, you know, giving her all of these, you know, pieces about like, "I didn't make the decision solely on my own."
Yan Dang: And what was your thought in that moment? Like, when you're like kind of telling her the story, what did you want?
Anonymous: Yeah, I just felt, I mean, I remember feeling being very aware and present of how I was feeling. And it was very triggering for me. It was a very traumatic conversation. I started shaking physically. I was crying, like it was a whole scene in this coffee shop. And, you know, I was fine with it because it was what it was, but we ended up having a nice conversation about it. And I think she just assumed that I knew that she was connected to this person. And so she was trying from her end, she was trying to make the situation better because she felt so bad about what this man had written about me on Facebook. You know, in reality, it wasn't, I was ready to move past it. But, you know, it worked out in the moment. I just really remember thinking, I'm being very aware of how I feel in this moment based on some of the training I feel like you've given.
Yann Dang: Yeah. And what I want to offer to you is, you know, your mind might be like, "I've passed it," but your emotions might say, "I'm still processing it." And she may have been a trigger to help you process it, right? And actually a nurturing, you know, figure because she actually wanted to apologize for her husband and you stepped into the vulnerability of it by allowing yourself to be super human in that moment to actually have emotions and to allow those things to express themselves, which is really about healing and processing.
Anonymous: Yeah. And I did think, it's okay to, especially in a situation maybe like that, you can't really control how you're going to feel. It was very surprising for me. I was not prepared for that. I did not have that on my bingo card for Wednesday before Thanksgiving to go through this situation. But it was helpful for me to learn like, "Okay, I am still processing the entire situation. I am still, you know, getting through that. And it is helpful to have to be in the moment. It is what it is and let's move on and learn from it and we're getting there."
Yann Dang: Yeah. And I just want to reflect on you, to just even be saying, "I had a very public job, I got fired from it." Just very matter of fact, that, you know, I'm sure there was processing to get to this point, but there's no shame, there's no holding your head down, there's just you being you. What's coming up for you? I'm noticing some emotion there.
Anonymous: Well, it was a really difficult situation. I obviously am still trying to get through it. So I was wrongfully terminated, which I'm suing the, you know, them for, but I mean, it's fine. It's just I loved it so much and I really gave my heart and soul to the city that I grew up in. And so to have dealt with that, it's not just me. I mean, it was the 100% of our senior leadership was turned over in 14 months by our city council. So.
Yann Dang: The fact that this woman went out of her way to apologize to see you as a human person who's - there’s a human person on the sides of these things. And for you to step in and be that human person, not just be a political figure who's whatever. That just shows who you are and the way you lead. So good going though for noticing that and to allow yourself to be with the emotions because if you notice there are some leaders, they will literally say, "Whoa, I'm taking a back." Like they're like, they let people know they're having feelings. They know and those feelings actually build more trust and more rapport. It's like, I'm a human person. Like, I'm still processing that, right? It lets people know we're not just like AI robots talking to each other, right? We're actually human beings and this is where that connection happens and the trust happens and the connection with ourselves and other people.
Anonymous: Yeah, I think people find that surprising about me particularly in some things I've shared with you, Yann, is that, you know, I can be very sort of emotionless. And so when I do show emotion to people in my professional world, they're always like, "Whoa." So they're always surprised. And so that's good because it shows that vulnerability and that you have the softer side to you that I usually don't show people.
Yann Dang: Yeah, this is huge because you showed people, you were in public, you showed, you know? So I mean this is definitely a win for you in terms of, you know, owning the all the parts of you, not just the parts that you have perceived as the strong parts of you. I would embrace the emotions that come up, not push them away because then that will actually have you processing them.
Anonymous: Yes.
Yann Dang: Well good going.
Anonymous: Thanks.
Yann Dang: All right. Who's next?
Anonymous: I'll share just to, by the way, think that framework is really, it's simple but actually very on point. I think from my own experience, I feel like I go through this every day multiple times, especially collaborating with senior leaders. And there's times where there's difference of opinions, right? And so you're put into these situations where you have to take a step back and observe the situation, the circumstance. And then these thoughts go through my head, "Should I say this or should I pull back or should I wait?"
You know, so it's all these thoughts that go through your head, because I tend to maybe overanalyze people in terms of their body language, their tone, and pick up on cues on what things may be trigger them. And that helps me to pivot the conversation. And there's times where I do hold myself back because I think about sort of, is this really going to be helpful or is this really going to create more friction?
But then I think about how I want to action it and sometimes I actually, I vent with, you know, somebody else who will give me some honest feedback. So that's kind of just how I kind of process this. There's been times where yes, the emotions, you know, come out and I remember a situation where I was really frustrated about an incident that happened that nobody had shared with me but that it impact my team. And I think why I was very emotional was because my leadership team knew except me and no one came to me to tell me. I felt like I lost that trust.
Yann Dang: And you heard about it through your team? Is that how did you hear about it?
Anonymous: I heard about it, yeah. And so, I'm the type of person that it takes a lot to rebuild that trust. I move on, but it's that trust piece that takes a long time to be rebuilt. And maybe this is my just personal way of trying to manage through the emotions.
Yann Dang: Well, it is a way of protecting ourselves, right? When we feel like trust has been breached, we want to create space for ourselves to understand. And was there any repair that happened? Did you let your leadership team know or what was that like?
Anonymous: I don't know, it was kind of weird because it was sort of addressed, but then just moved on very quickly without really like taking a deeper dive and understanding, okay, do you understand how I'm feeling and why this is important to me? I don't feel like that really was just move on, you know?
Yann Dang: Yeah. And how did that leave you with more distrust or how did that…
Anonymous: Well, it was, you know, obviously very frustrating. I think that's where the loss and the trust started.
Yann Dang: Well, here's like, if you backtrack it, the trust and I'm hearing some hurt and anger, maybe as some of the emotions, but the thought, right, the thought is, "I can't trust them," or the thought is like, "They don't hear me," you know? Or the thought is, "They don't care," right? There's like multiple layers and there's different trust levels in that.
Anonymous: Yeah. So thank you.
Yann Dang: Yeah, you're welcome. Well, thanks for sharing so vulnerably. But I mean this is like the power of that. And I think as your - what you're talking about too is in these high straight situations, right? Oftentimes we're reading the room, but when we know, if we know that like kind of ahead of time, we might be having some of these thoughts, we can self-coach ourselves ahead of that too, to notice, "Oh, I'm going to want to not speak up because it's scary, but I'm going to force myself if I think it's going to move the conversation forward." And so you get yourself on a different thought pattern and anticipate where you're going to, you know, push the brakes on yourself because it's just a natural way that we operate to feel safe, but doesn't help us to expand or to be seen.
Anonymous: Yeah. Thank you for sharing that. Hey, and did you have a framework that you shared?
Yann Dang: Yeah, I did. It's just the framework. It's the circumstance that happens, the thought, feelings, and so something happens, it's neutral again, you know? It could be, you know, it could just be like some neutral thing that happened. It's just something. Even like somebody dying is a neutral circumstance before we have a thought about it. So it's just like sort of this is what's happened, what it is. And then it's the thought we have about it.
And what I'm letting people know is that you have a choice to decide which thought you want to hold on to. So, you know, you can hold on to a certain thought and attach yourself to it, and then there's feelings and those thoughts and feelings necessitate actions that we take and results that we create in the world. And you can do this both from a forward thinking of like, "Oh, this thing is going to happen, right? I'm going to be in this room." Or you can look at it retroactively, you know, like retroactively, sometimes I'll dissect fights that I've had with my husbands. Husbands, husband. You know, I'll be like, "What happened? How did that stack? How did we get so defensive and angry so quickly?" And usually when you start tracking back, you realize that it didn't happen so quickly. It happened in all these little micro things that stacked up.
Anonymous: My question is the point of this right now simply to observe it or is this also getting into how we then want to communicate about it? Because I have a couple scenarios. I mean, I have million scenarios probably, but the two that are that are coming to mind at the moment, one was in a corporate setting where, well, remember with as a franchise owner with the corporate franchise. And so a little bit more of a reaction to how they've already, you know, treated us, but also then anticipating where I can see this going. So like if they're asking me for my thoughts on a certain process, but I already know how this is going. And sure enough, time and time again, I've been proven correct that, yes, I am correct that this is how they will behave. And maybe that's not okay with me.
So I'm all triggered. But I think one thing I sort of realized was I can observe my emotional triggers, I can observe my behavior, I can stay more grounded, but I don't think that was going to result in a different outcome. And I think that can be a tough situation. Like the because I think that we're probably all of us here are here to learn and are here to improve ourselves. And we think that when we do this, we're going to have a better outcome. But I think I kind of was wondering if you can speak to the scenarios where you're like, "No, the outcome is not maybe not going to change. It's just that you're going to be in more control." That's what I'm sort of feeling here.
Yann Dang: Well, yeah. So let's just, let's break it down. What is the circumstance? What happens? Like they ask you for information, they make a request. What's that?
Anonymous: Basically, they started a franchise. They started too early and they didn't offer any guidance or playbook. So then it was on the center to create it. So we did. We became the number one center by a significant lead. And so what they would do is they would - either they would ask us for processes or they'd have discussions and then there would be zero recognition, whether that's monetary or even just a shout out. Like, "Hey, shout out to the Virginia Center, you know, the Woodbridge." And then they would just start using our things. But the thing is, there was and continues to be plenty of room for them to give us a proper platform, whether it be an advisory council or whatever. They finally did that and the rate was so below what, you know, I think what's market standard. It just did not seem fair.
And when we would try to have a conversation about it, the conversation, I like direct conversation and I could not make the conversation direct despite my every effort. It was always, they were always able to make it vague somehow. And I'm like, I don't think I'm being vague. It was gaslighting, you know, where I'm sitting here and I'm like, "I think I'm being pretty clear." Like I want to offer you X, Y, Z. You're asking me for my processes or my thoughts, but actually I can create the entire platform for you. And I would share it. But no, just like you're not giving me anything for free, I don't want to give it to you for free. Like in fact, I am paying you a royalty fee and I am also creating the assets of IP for you.
Yann Dang: Yeah.
Anonymous: So it just became a frustrating conversation over and over again. And one thing and, you know, because we do talk about men a lot in the room, one thing I found really interesting was that I grew up on a trading desk and so, yeah, there really wasn't a lot of room for emotions and feelings, but men have so many emotions and feelings. He flat out said, "They don't feel that you're giving them credit.” And I'm like, "I'm not giving you credit for my work that you should have given me?" Yeah, no, I'm not. But also, I'm paying you a royalty fee. That is your credit. It's actually built into the structure. So it was just like a really weird, they wanted credit, but for what I was creating. It was really bizarre and it was like a mind, it was messing with my mind.
Yann Dang: Okay. Well, it does sound like there's probably a threat, right? They want credit, you want credit, you both want credit. And it's like how to make it a win-win. But if we, you know, zoom out and look at the circumstance from your perspective sounds like they want something from you and your thought is that this isn't fair. This is not a win for me. I'm not getting what I need. And so there could be feelings. Is that, what's the feeling that comes up when you think this isn't fair?
Anonymous: Yeah, and also to offer the proper context, for the longest time, I wanted to give it to them. So it was like, I saw the vision so clearly. Like even before I actually did it and had the numbers to prove it. So maybe I was asking for something. I wanted them to allow me and to bring me in to help create things for them, like processes, let's say. And they were like, "Yeah, we love that." But you could tell I think it was too much for them. Maybe they couldn't see the vision. And then when they could, I think it felt a little bit like, "Well, yeah, if you want to do this, then do it." Like, and I'm like, "No, no, just allow me, bring me in, let me do this for you. And let's work out some deal where somehow I'm getting some kind of compensated appropriately for this.
And if you don't see that's fine, but then be very clear. 'Google, we don't have the bandwidth for that right now.'" Or blah, blah, blah. But it was always like, "Yeah, but what's stopping you? Why don't you share? Why don't you know?" And that's, yeah, I felt like I was being taken advantage of, but also purposely not seen. Like on purpose, you know? Like they would promote even now, they take stuff from our center all the time and they only highlight the bottom 10 performing centers. And at first I thought, "Well, maybe that's a strategy, right? Let's encourage the other people." After a while, you know what, I recognize a pattern when I see one and it just wasn't a good fit. But I think that the other thought I have here is that like is this my fault somehow in the way that I spoke to them? You know?
Yann Dang: Okay, well, here's what I want to offer for you in terms of like because there's these thought patterns. There's like, "They're taking advantage of me," and then there's also your thought of like, "Did I do something wrong?"
Anonymous: I was like, "Maybe it's the way I would speak to them because I went into ballbuster mode." So I feel like, "Oh, it's probably if I was easier to work with, then, you know, maybe that's what the problem is."
Yann Dang: I don't think that's actually really empowering thought for you. But what I want to offer you is like the go forward thought of like how to make this a win-win for both of us where you feel like you are getting what you want because the thought of like, "I'm going to be taken advantage of," it actually doesn't have you leading in a way where you're like, we could all win. There's a lot of money to be made here. But these are my and for you to be really clear and consistent, they may not be. I know you want them to be, but they may not be.
Like a lot of people will not want to say, "We don't have the bandwidth, we feel highly threatened," blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But if you're super clear of like, "This is how it would work for us, and this is the value that it would give to you," like how we can make this, like even if the thought was, "This is their win-win for all of us," how do you feel when you think about having it as a win-win for all of us? Like what's the feeling that comes up in your body when you think, "This can be a win-win for all of us?” It feels great. It feels aligned. It feels like, yeah, I'm invested in this, you're invested in this. We're in bed together. What do we? We got to figure it out.
Anonymous: It's just such a waste of potential.
Yann Dang: Well, this is where I think that thought keeps having you have that thought, you know? You're getting just like it's not working out. You're not, you know, on the same page. The thought is like, "I'm being taken advantage of" or "we are being taken advantage of." It continues that cycle. And it will create the same sort of cycle versus, I mean even if your thought was, "I'm going to succeed no matter what," is more empowering than that. So just watching where those thoughts are of like, I think there's one of just expressing your frustration and validating your frustration, and then there's the using this to move forward and say, "What if I showed up in this meeting to be really on point with like this is going to be a win for all of us? And I'm going to intentionally move everybody towards that goal, no matter what."
And maybe they don't want to go, but at least you came with more of that thought, which is much more grounded and balanced and a win for everybody versus expecting to be because if you expect to be taken advantage of, you will show up with the defensiveness. And that defensiveness will cause you to potentially be less clear, explaining more, other patterns that you don't like to have, you know.
Anonymous: No, I think that's on point. That's right. Because from a awareness perspective, that thought, the one you offered is a lot more open and I feel like a sense of ease whereas the minute you think someone's going to take advantage of you. And that is like that's like flight or fight, right? So you're really contracted and defensive. And I have played around with both because I mean, I'm here for a reason. I'm I like I reflect a lot. So I had played around with like trying a different persona on her, but then if I was met with, you know, something that was some sort of rejection. Yeah. I would contract even more.
So I think the work is like not worrying about how they react to it, but trying to see like what can I still do to just bring my best. And obviously at some point in order to have that open feeling, I have to give up on what their reaction's going to be.
Yann Dang: Yes. And they may say yes and not seem happy about it. But that's still you get to win. You still get to be like, "Okay, like this is I mean, you can be a baby about it and we can still move forward," you know? Like you've probably walked out of situations where people aren't happy, but this is the best outcome, you know?
Anonymous: Yeah.
Yann Dang: And that's okay. We're not in the business of managing other people's emotions. We're in the business of understanding them to get our point across, but some people will begrudgingly say yes to something. But that's on them, right? Like you've got your piece of the thing to move people towards. But I think for you, it's like that intentionality because if you're playing the game of I'm being, you know, taken advantage of, that's a game that's, you know, probably not fun for you. Versus if your game is, we're going to all win or I'm going to get satisfied no matter what. Like we're going to move forward, there’s just a more empowered way of that trajectory.
Anonymous: Like this is already this is already credit. And then I think what becomes tough then is like, okay, now I have this new thought process, but you got to keep doing the things to support that, right? And that's a whole other thing. Like as you move along with the other party, like where do you say no? Where do you know, where do you draw the line? Like because like now you go in with this like open, more open mindset. And so they maybe react better to you. So they're like, "Yeah, let me invite you on to another meeting where they're just like, 'Hey, tell us everything you've created.'" And I don't know, like then you kind of have to decide like, yeah, I'm going to be open here and I'm going to have a nice thought process. And I'm not going to also let you take advantage of me.
Yann Dang: Exactly. There's just like this discernment, right? We can all win and I will not abandon myself ever.
Anonymous: Yeah.
Yann Dang: And there's just like that like continual piece of playing that game and it may also require you to speak up and say things that don't work for you. Like it may require you to say, "Okay, that works for me or no, actually this doesn't work for me and here's why." And to give yourself some room to be able to not say it nicely. I think part of you wants to say it nicely and wants it to land nicely, but sometimes it doesn't.
Anonymous: Yeah, I think you just nailed it. Like I think I want this ideal outcome where I do all of these things and it's well.
Yann Dang: Which is not - I mean, the reality is like if you're leading in spaces that weren't really built for you, it people are always going to have different. You're going to have the people that are like, "Wow, you're amazing. I'm so glad you're here." And then you're going to have the people, if, you know, however you show up, leadership is polarizing. You were going to get people that love you and you're going to get people that don't love you, don't like your style, don't like your leadership. And that's the price you pay to command. When you command, right? You get to be the person making the decisions.
Anonymous: Maybe that's the real thought that like I'm not going to be liked in this scenario.
Yann Dang: And like how would it feel to give yourself that permission to not be liked? Because there is, especially for women, it's like, "Do you want to be liked or you want to be respected?" And really, I always bring it down to like self-respecting yourself, liking yourself so much and respecting yourself so much that you make those choices in a discerning way, but most importantly for your, you know, to empower yourself.
Anonymous: Thank you.
Yann Dang: You're welcome.
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So there you have it. That was a leadership coaching call that I did with a group of women, of course, sharing their real stories and how they're impacted when they slow down, think about themselves, track back to the thoughts and feelings that they were having and the results that they were creating in their lives. So let me know how this episode hit you and go out and practice this yourself and come back and share with me what you're learning. I'd love to hear from you. I would love to coach you. If this is something you want more of in your life, please check out my latest offerings. All right, have a beautiful day ahead. I'll see you next week.
Thank you for being a part of The Balanced Leader community. We hope you found today's episode inspiring and actionable. For more resources and to connect with Yann, visit us at aspire-coaching.co. Until next time, keep leading with confidence and purpose.
Here's how it works. Every experience in your life begins with a circumstance, a fact, something neutral that anyone could agree on, like the sky is blue or it's raining, right? People can't really argue with the circumstance of what's happening outside. Then instantly, your brain assigns meaning to it. That meaning becomes a thought. So for example, if the sky is blue, you might say, "What a wonderful day ahead." If it's rainy, you might say, "Oh, crap." And that thought creates a feeling, your emotional experience in that moment, right? Your feelings drive your actions. So that feeling could be, "Great, I'm going to enjoy and have joy in my day in the sunlight, in the blue sky." Or it could be, "It's raining and this sucks, right? And I feel sad about it because I had maybe plans to walk around."
So your thought and feeling drive your actions. And that action is the way you show up, the way you speak up or sometimes shut down. So if the sky is blue, you might say, "I'm going to show up outside. I'm going to speak up and call my friend and say, 'Let's go for a walk.'" Or if it's raining, you might shut down and say, "Crap, I'm just going to stay inside and watch movies." And those actions create your results in your life, right? They create new things for you.
And the magic is this: when you learn to slow down, what some of the women today beautifully describe as the executive pause, you gain the ability to notice your thoughts and choose new ones that actually serve you. It is really about being discerning and disciplined about the thoughts you are having because those thoughts drive the emotions in your body, drive the action you take.
You'll hear women naming their emotions in real time, catching automatic thoughts, and having breakthroughs as we trace their experiences backward to the thought that sparked everything. This matters because so many brilliant, capable women walk into rooms where confidence seems effortless for their male counterparts. And yet, confidence isn't something you're born with. It's something you build by understanding your mind and the context within you're working in.
When you know how your thoughts create your results, confidence becomes something you can generate on purpose, not something you have or don't have or that you're born with or not born with. It's a practice, it's a tool, it's an understanding of what it takes to show up in a room and have empowering thoughts that generate feelings in your body. Maybe it's courage, maybe it's groundedness, maybe it's powerful. And that in turn has you doing actions, maybe standing up straighter, taking up more space, speaking up that create results in your life.
And that's what today's episode is all about. Real women, real leadership moments, real emotions being coached live using this framework. You'll hear moments of awareness, vulnerability, awkwardness, empowerment, and those subtle but life-changing shifts that happen when you finally see your own mind with clarity. So settle in, you are about to witness what happens when high-achieving women learn to lead themselves first and rewrite the results they create in their careers and their lives.
All right, go and enjoy the episode. And here's a flavor of what is in store for you if you are a woman who's ready to take on more of her own journey, her inward journey, so that she can show up even more powerfully outwardly. All right, enjoy today's show and let me know what you think about it.
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Welcome to The Balanced Leader, hosted by Yann Dang, a Leadership and Life Coach with over 20 years of corporate experience. Drawing from her journey as a former global finance leader and second-generation immigrant, Yann understands the unique challenges women face in male-dominated workplaces.
Each episode offers insights on balancing masculine and feminine energies, mastering soft skills, and building emotional intelligence. Join us to transform frustration into empowerment and unlock your authentic leadership potential.
Anonymous: So we've been working together a while, and one of the things that you taught that is really useful is to notice the feeling and name it, call it out. And that's very useful in dealing with other people, but when you name that feeling and then you do something to improve your grounding, you can think more clearly. But one of the things we don't do is go backwards and reassess, oh, what thoughts created that feeling. We do one-on-one, right? But when I'm in the moment and this is happening, I don't go back and why am I thinking this? And maybe that's not important because what's important is becoming grounded and getting logic in there and having that executive presence more so than figuring out why that emotion came up.
Yann Dang: Well, I think both are important, right? And it's like mastering different level skills. If you can name the thought and there's some questions, "Do thoughts comes first or do feelings come first?" I think either one is actually just important in itself because your thought or your feeling is what's going to dictate the action. But it is - you can, first of all, just naming your emotion and sensing it in your body is a skill of awareness and noticing your thoughts is a skill of awareness. But tracking back is a next level skill to actually ask yourself, "What am I thinking? What am I making this mean?"
Because the context of where we are and we're making meaning out of things all the time. And so if you can ask yourself that question, "What am I making this statement mean about me or about the situation?" then it can also slow you down to notice, "Oh, is that the correct assumption? Do I like that choice that I'm making? Is it actually true? Can I reality check it?" So is there an example that you have? I know it was just Thanksgiving. Were there things that came up where you had an emotion and we can track back to what the thought was as well.
Anonymous: Well, it was more just in general a comment. I mean, feelings are something obviously you feel them, so they're very noticeable. My main thought was the thought may be so fast you don't catch it. They happen at the same time, the thought and the feeling, but the feeling is what you notice. You don't necessarily notice the thought. You know, the example, and I think it just depends on the situation too, if you're absorbing or interacting, right? On that feeling. Because if you're absorbing, you have time to think. But if you're on the hot seat and someone said something and you are supposed to respond, you're stressed and you don't always have time.
Yann Dang: Exactly. I talk about this. It's a practice, right? The more you practice the skill of tracking yourself, the better you'll get at it. It's kind of like when you're doing yoga, right? When you're first learning the moves, you're like, "Okay, let me learn what the move is and how to do it." Then after a while, you start learning how to understand your body in a way of what's actually getting stretched. You can build on top of it. And so the people, right? If you're starting to practice the skill, you'll start catching it. Just like practicing, some people just have to start with emotions. Literally, a lot of people, you ask them if they have an emotion, they'll say, "I'm tired." There's not, right? So even having the language to say, "I feel angry, I feel hurt, I feel scared," and then that pause to slow down and to say, "Oh, what is the thought that I'm having right now?"
Anonymous: I said you don't have time to process and actually it's a false belief. I taught myself on that.
Yann Dang: But that's good. See? So you're starting to catch yourself. I think I've shared, you know, if I haven't shared with you, there are men that are really good about doing this in high stake meetings. I've gone to school with them onto them and I've noticed how can they do that. I've literally in meetings where men are like, "Hey, hang on a minute." And they're literally telling everybody like, "Hang on. Like I'm catching up with myself and let me write the story." If there's a narrative that's playing out in the meeting and they're like, "Hang on a minute, this actually these aren't the facts. Like let me write the story." But they have to be noticing themselves and the room in order to do that.
Or recently, one of my clients brought something to her CEO and he was not ready for it. And he said, "I'm not prepared to talk about this at this time." So he just bought himself a whole lot of space because he was noticing lots of thoughts and feelings that he was probably like, "I shouldn't act on this. This is a very highly valuable person in front of me. She's asking for a lot more things, and I'm feeling uncomfortable." And he knew enough to say, "I'm not ready to have this conversation." And it was very professional, but it gave him space, right? We need to learn the words to help us give ourselves space in some of those moments where we're like, I need to, let me slow, slow down, you know? Let me slow myself down and start to notice what other context, what other stuff is actually happening in the moment. But you just caught yourself, which is great, right? You just caught yourself telling yourself an assumption and now you know, "Oh, I, you know, I feel fear. I feel like I have to answer right away." Which is not true.
Anonymous: Well, I think the takeaway is executive pause is a tagline, like that's kind of a key phrase to trigger when I feel like I need to react. And mentally, if I think "executive pause," in addition to the breathing, naming the feeling, right? It can slow me down if I'm feeling that urge to just say something immediately because everyone's looking at me waiting for an answer. That's very stressful.
Yann Dang: Yeah, and then you just want to react. And sometimes our gut reaction is continuing to create patterns that are continuing, right? Like fights with our family members, it's the circular thing versus if you can pause and start intercepting yourself. Another things I like to personally say to myself when I'm feeling a lot of fear is that I like to say, "I have a choice." Because part of what's happening in my brain is like, somehow I feel like I don't have a choice and there's a lot of fear. But if I can remind myself I have a choice, then I can start tracking. Yeah, what are your thoughts there?
Anonymous: Yeah, that like really resonated with me. I was in a bad relationship once, and I don't want to get into these details, but when it felt overwhelming, the thing that got me through it was just telling myself, "I have a choice. I can walk out the door at any moment." So that was really empowering to like get through some really tough times.
Yann Dang: And who can relate to that?
Anonymous: I'm really getting a lot out of what you've been saying the last, the leadership lab and, you know, that executive pause. I was in a situation on Wednesday where I... This might be dramatic, but I went to the coffee shop and I was just ordering my coffee and there was somebody I live in a small town and I had a really public facing job that I was fired from recently, and it was very, very public. Facebook, everybody, you know, knows what they think on Facebook. And someone had made a comment on Facebook. This is several, a couple months ago now, about a month and a half ago now.
So this woman was in the coffee shop and she's like, "Hey, just congratulations on your new job. And I just want to apologize for my husband and what he said on Facebook." And I had no idea what she was talking about. And so I'm kind of like thinking and I was like, "Okay." And then it sort of hit me and I knew exactly what she was talking about. I knew exactly the comment that she was talking about. And I just looked at her and I was like, "Oh, are you married to..." And she's like, "Yeah." And I said, "Huh, okay, well, you're going to have to give me a minute to process this information."
And I felt like, I mean, if I hadn't maybe had that, I'm not sure exactly what I would have responded to her. It ended up that we, I mean, I didn't yell at her or anything, but I was really upset. Like I started crying and it was a terrible situation. She was trying to comfort me and hug me and I didn't want to touch her and all this stuff, but basically this guy said that I should have been in jail for a baseball stadium that I had to take down that was condemned. And I'm like, you know, giving her all of these, you know, pieces about like, "I didn't make the decision solely on my own."
Yan Dang: And what was your thought in that moment? Like, when you're like kind of telling her the story, what did you want?
Anonymous: Yeah, I just felt, I mean, I remember feeling being very aware and present of how I was feeling. And it was very triggering for me. It was a very traumatic conversation. I started shaking physically. I was crying, like it was a whole scene in this coffee shop. And, you know, I was fine with it because it was what it was, but we ended up having a nice conversation about it. And I think she just assumed that I knew that she was connected to this person. And so she was trying from her end, she was trying to make the situation better because she felt so bad about what this man had written about me on Facebook. You know, in reality, it wasn't, I was ready to move past it. But, you know, it worked out in the moment. I just really remember thinking, I'm being very aware of how I feel in this moment based on some of the training I feel like you've given.
Yann Dang: Yeah. And what I want to offer to you is, you know, your mind might be like, "I've passed it," but your emotions might say, "I'm still processing it." And she may have been a trigger to help you process it, right? And actually a nurturing, you know, figure because she actually wanted to apologize for her husband and you stepped into the vulnerability of it by allowing yourself to be super human in that moment to actually have emotions and to allow those things to express themselves, which is really about healing and processing.
Anonymous: Yeah. And I did think, it's okay to, especially in a situation maybe like that, you can't really control how you're going to feel. It was very surprising for me. I was not prepared for that. I did not have that on my bingo card for Wednesday before Thanksgiving to go through this situation. But it was helpful for me to learn like, "Okay, I am still processing the entire situation. I am still, you know, getting through that. And it is helpful to have to be in the moment. It is what it is and let's move on and learn from it and we're getting there."
Yann Dang: Yeah. And I just want to reflect on you, to just even be saying, "I had a very public job, I got fired from it." Just very matter of fact, that, you know, I'm sure there was processing to get to this point, but there's no shame, there's no holding your head down, there's just you being you. What's coming up for you? I'm noticing some emotion there.
Anonymous: Well, it was a really difficult situation. I obviously am still trying to get through it. So I was wrongfully terminated, which I'm suing the, you know, them for, but I mean, it's fine. It's just I loved it so much and I really gave my heart and soul to the city that I grew up in. And so to have dealt with that, it's not just me. I mean, it was the 100% of our senior leadership was turned over in 14 months by our city council. So.
Yann Dang: The fact that this woman went out of her way to apologize to see you as a human person who's - there’s a human person on the sides of these things. And for you to step in and be that human person, not just be a political figure who's whatever. That just shows who you are and the way you lead. So good going though for noticing that and to allow yourself to be with the emotions because if you notice there are some leaders, they will literally say, "Whoa, I'm taking a back." Like they're like, they let people know they're having feelings. They know and those feelings actually build more trust and more rapport. It's like, I'm a human person. Like, I'm still processing that, right? It lets people know we're not just like AI robots talking to each other, right? We're actually human beings and this is where that connection happens and the trust happens and the connection with ourselves and other people.
Anonymous: Yeah, I think people find that surprising about me particularly in some things I've shared with you, Yann, is that, you know, I can be very sort of emotionless. And so when I do show emotion to people in my professional world, they're always like, "Whoa." So they're always surprised. And so that's good because it shows that vulnerability and that you have the softer side to you that I usually don't show people.
Yann Dang: Yeah, this is huge because you showed people, you were in public, you showed, you know? So I mean this is definitely a win for you in terms of, you know, owning the all the parts of you, not just the parts that you have perceived as the strong parts of you. I would embrace the emotions that come up, not push them away because then that will actually have you processing them.
Anonymous: Yes.
Yann Dang: Well good going.
Anonymous: Thanks.
Yann Dang: All right. Who's next?
Anonymous: I'll share just to, by the way, think that framework is really, it's simple but actually very on point. I think from my own experience, I feel like I go through this every day multiple times, especially collaborating with senior leaders. And there's times where there's difference of opinions, right? And so you're put into these situations where you have to take a step back and observe the situation, the circumstance. And then these thoughts go through my head, "Should I say this or should I pull back or should I wait?"
You know, so it's all these thoughts that go through your head, because I tend to maybe overanalyze people in terms of their body language, their tone, and pick up on cues on what things may be trigger them. And that helps me to pivot the conversation. And there's times where I do hold myself back because I think about sort of, is this really going to be helpful or is this really going to create more friction?
But then I think about how I want to action it and sometimes I actually, I vent with, you know, somebody else who will give me some honest feedback. So that's kind of just how I kind of process this. There's been times where yes, the emotions, you know, come out and I remember a situation where I was really frustrated about an incident that happened that nobody had shared with me but that it impact my team. And I think why I was very emotional was because my leadership team knew except me and no one came to me to tell me. I felt like I lost that trust.
Yann Dang: And you heard about it through your team? Is that how did you hear about it?
Anonymous: I heard about it, yeah. And so, I'm the type of person that it takes a lot to rebuild that trust. I move on, but it's that trust piece that takes a long time to be rebuilt. And maybe this is my just personal way of trying to manage through the emotions.
Yann Dang: Well, it is a way of protecting ourselves, right? When we feel like trust has been breached, we want to create space for ourselves to understand. And was there any repair that happened? Did you let your leadership team know or what was that like?
Anonymous: I don't know, it was kind of weird because it was sort of addressed, but then just moved on very quickly without really like taking a deeper dive and understanding, okay, do you understand how I'm feeling and why this is important to me? I don't feel like that really was just move on, you know?
Yann Dang: Yeah. And how did that leave you with more distrust or how did that…
Anonymous: Well, it was, you know, obviously very frustrating. I think that's where the loss and the trust started.
Yann Dang: Well, here's like, if you backtrack it, the trust and I'm hearing some hurt and anger, maybe as some of the emotions, but the thought, right, the thought is, "I can't trust them," or the thought is like, "They don't hear me," you know? Or the thought is, "They don't care," right? There's like multiple layers and there's different trust levels in that.
Anonymous: Yeah. So thank you.
Yann Dang: Yeah, you're welcome. Well, thanks for sharing so vulnerably. But I mean this is like the power of that. And I think as your - what you're talking about too is in these high straight situations, right? Oftentimes we're reading the room, but when we know, if we know that like kind of ahead of time, we might be having some of these thoughts, we can self-coach ourselves ahead of that too, to notice, "Oh, I'm going to want to not speak up because it's scary, but I'm going to force myself if I think it's going to move the conversation forward." And so you get yourself on a different thought pattern and anticipate where you're going to, you know, push the brakes on yourself because it's just a natural way that we operate to feel safe, but doesn't help us to expand or to be seen.
Anonymous: Yeah. Thank you for sharing that. Hey, and did you have a framework that you shared?
Yann Dang: Yeah, I did. It's just the framework. It's the circumstance that happens, the thought, feelings, and so something happens, it's neutral again, you know? It could be, you know, it could just be like some neutral thing that happened. It's just something. Even like somebody dying is a neutral circumstance before we have a thought about it. So it's just like sort of this is what's happened, what it is. And then it's the thought we have about it.
And what I'm letting people know is that you have a choice to decide which thought you want to hold on to. So, you know, you can hold on to a certain thought and attach yourself to it, and then there's feelings and those thoughts and feelings necessitate actions that we take and results that we create in the world. And you can do this both from a forward thinking of like, "Oh, this thing is going to happen, right? I'm going to be in this room." Or you can look at it retroactively, you know, like retroactively, sometimes I'll dissect fights that I've had with my husbands. Husbands, husband. You know, I'll be like, "What happened? How did that stack? How did we get so defensive and angry so quickly?" And usually when you start tracking back, you realize that it didn't happen so quickly. It happened in all these little micro things that stacked up.
Anonymous: My question is the point of this right now simply to observe it or is this also getting into how we then want to communicate about it? Because I have a couple scenarios. I mean, I have million scenarios probably, but the two that are that are coming to mind at the moment, one was in a corporate setting where, well, remember with as a franchise owner with the corporate franchise. And so a little bit more of a reaction to how they've already, you know, treated us, but also then anticipating where I can see this going. So like if they're asking me for my thoughts on a certain process, but I already know how this is going. And sure enough, time and time again, I've been proven correct that, yes, I am correct that this is how they will behave. And maybe that's not okay with me.
So I'm all triggered. But I think one thing I sort of realized was I can observe my emotional triggers, I can observe my behavior, I can stay more grounded, but I don't think that was going to result in a different outcome. And I think that can be a tough situation. Like the because I think that we're probably all of us here are here to learn and are here to improve ourselves. And we think that when we do this, we're going to have a better outcome. But I think I kind of was wondering if you can speak to the scenarios where you're like, "No, the outcome is not maybe not going to change. It's just that you're going to be in more control." That's what I'm sort of feeling here.
Yann Dang: Well, yeah. So let's just, let's break it down. What is the circumstance? What happens? Like they ask you for information, they make a request. What's that?
Anonymous: Basically, they started a franchise. They started too early and they didn't offer any guidance or playbook. So then it was on the center to create it. So we did. We became the number one center by a significant lead. And so what they would do is they would - either they would ask us for processes or they'd have discussions and then there would be zero recognition, whether that's monetary or even just a shout out. Like, "Hey, shout out to the Virginia Center, you know, the Woodbridge." And then they would just start using our things. But the thing is, there was and continues to be plenty of room for them to give us a proper platform, whether it be an advisory council or whatever. They finally did that and the rate was so below what, you know, I think what's market standard. It just did not seem fair.
And when we would try to have a conversation about it, the conversation, I like direct conversation and I could not make the conversation direct despite my every effort. It was always, they were always able to make it vague somehow. And I'm like, I don't think I'm being vague. It was gaslighting, you know, where I'm sitting here and I'm like, "I think I'm being pretty clear." Like I want to offer you X, Y, Z. You're asking me for my processes or my thoughts, but actually I can create the entire platform for you. And I would share it. But no, just like you're not giving me anything for free, I don't want to give it to you for free. Like in fact, I am paying you a royalty fee and I am also creating the assets of IP for you.
Yann Dang: Yeah.
Anonymous: So it just became a frustrating conversation over and over again. And one thing and, you know, because we do talk about men a lot in the room, one thing I found really interesting was that I grew up on a trading desk and so, yeah, there really wasn't a lot of room for emotions and feelings, but men have so many emotions and feelings. He flat out said, "They don't feel that you're giving them credit.” And I'm like, "I'm not giving you credit for my work that you should have given me?" Yeah, no, I'm not. But also, I'm paying you a royalty fee. That is your credit. It's actually built into the structure. So it was just like a really weird, they wanted credit, but for what I was creating. It was really bizarre and it was like a mind, it was messing with my mind.
Yann Dang: Okay. Well, it does sound like there's probably a threat, right? They want credit, you want credit, you both want credit. And it's like how to make it a win-win. But if we, you know, zoom out and look at the circumstance from your perspective sounds like they want something from you and your thought is that this isn't fair. This is not a win for me. I'm not getting what I need. And so there could be feelings. Is that, what's the feeling that comes up when you think this isn't fair?
Anonymous: Yeah, and also to offer the proper context, for the longest time, I wanted to give it to them. So it was like, I saw the vision so clearly. Like even before I actually did it and had the numbers to prove it. So maybe I was asking for something. I wanted them to allow me and to bring me in to help create things for them, like processes, let's say. And they were like, "Yeah, we love that." But you could tell I think it was too much for them. Maybe they couldn't see the vision. And then when they could, I think it felt a little bit like, "Well, yeah, if you want to do this, then do it." Like, and I'm like, "No, no, just allow me, bring me in, let me do this for you. And let's work out some deal where somehow I'm getting some kind of compensated appropriately for this.
And if you don't see that's fine, but then be very clear. 'Google, we don't have the bandwidth for that right now.'" Or blah, blah, blah. But it was always like, "Yeah, but what's stopping you? Why don't you share? Why don't you know?" And that's, yeah, I felt like I was being taken advantage of, but also purposely not seen. Like on purpose, you know? Like they would promote even now, they take stuff from our center all the time and they only highlight the bottom 10 performing centers. And at first I thought, "Well, maybe that's a strategy, right? Let's encourage the other people." After a while, you know what, I recognize a pattern when I see one and it just wasn't a good fit. But I think that the other thought I have here is that like is this my fault somehow in the way that I spoke to them? You know?
Yann Dang: Okay, well, here's what I want to offer for you in terms of like because there's these thought patterns. There's like, "They're taking advantage of me," and then there's also your thought of like, "Did I do something wrong?"
Anonymous: I was like, "Maybe it's the way I would speak to them because I went into ballbuster mode." So I feel like, "Oh, it's probably if I was easier to work with, then, you know, maybe that's what the problem is."
Yann Dang: I don't think that's actually really empowering thought for you. But what I want to offer you is like the go forward thought of like how to make this a win-win for both of us where you feel like you are getting what you want because the thought of like, "I'm going to be taken advantage of," it actually doesn't have you leading in a way where you're like, we could all win. There's a lot of money to be made here. But these are my and for you to be really clear and consistent, they may not be. I know you want them to be, but they may not be.
Like a lot of people will not want to say, "We don't have the bandwidth, we feel highly threatened," blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But if you're super clear of like, "This is how it would work for us, and this is the value that it would give to you," like how we can make this, like even if the thought was, "This is their win-win for all of us," how do you feel when you think about having it as a win-win for all of us? Like what's the feeling that comes up in your body when you think, "This can be a win-win for all of us?” It feels great. It feels aligned. It feels like, yeah, I'm invested in this, you're invested in this. We're in bed together. What do we? We got to figure it out.
Anonymous: It's just such a waste of potential.
Yann Dang: Well, this is where I think that thought keeps having you have that thought, you know? You're getting just like it's not working out. You're not, you know, on the same page. The thought is like, "I'm being taken advantage of" or "we are being taken advantage of." It continues that cycle. And it will create the same sort of cycle versus, I mean even if your thought was, "I'm going to succeed no matter what," is more empowering than that. So just watching where those thoughts are of like, I think there's one of just expressing your frustration and validating your frustration, and then there's the using this to move forward and say, "What if I showed up in this meeting to be really on point with like this is going to be a win for all of us? And I'm going to intentionally move everybody towards that goal, no matter what."
And maybe they don't want to go, but at least you came with more of that thought, which is much more grounded and balanced and a win for everybody versus expecting to be because if you expect to be taken advantage of, you will show up with the defensiveness. And that defensiveness will cause you to potentially be less clear, explaining more, other patterns that you don't like to have, you know.
Anonymous: No, I think that's on point. That's right. Because from a awareness perspective, that thought, the one you offered is a lot more open and I feel like a sense of ease whereas the minute you think someone's going to take advantage of you. And that is like that's like flight or fight, right? So you're really contracted and defensive. And I have played around with both because I mean, I'm here for a reason. I'm I like I reflect a lot. So I had played around with like trying a different persona on her, but then if I was met with, you know, something that was some sort of rejection. Yeah. I would contract even more.
So I think the work is like not worrying about how they react to it, but trying to see like what can I still do to just bring my best. And obviously at some point in order to have that open feeling, I have to give up on what their reaction's going to be.
Yann Dang: Yes. And they may say yes and not seem happy about it. But that's still you get to win. You still get to be like, "Okay, like this is I mean, you can be a baby about it and we can still move forward," you know? Like you've probably walked out of situations where people aren't happy, but this is the best outcome, you know?
Anonymous: Yeah.
Yann Dang: And that's okay. We're not in the business of managing other people's emotions. We're in the business of understanding them to get our point across, but some people will begrudgingly say yes to something. But that's on them, right? Like you've got your piece of the thing to move people towards. But I think for you, it's like that intentionality because if you're playing the game of I'm being, you know, taken advantage of, that's a game that's, you know, probably not fun for you. Versus if your game is, we're going to all win or I'm going to get satisfied no matter what. Like we're going to move forward, there’s just a more empowered way of that trajectory.
Anonymous: Like this is already this is already credit. And then I think what becomes tough then is like, okay, now I have this new thought process, but you got to keep doing the things to support that, right? And that's a whole other thing. Like as you move along with the other party, like where do you say no? Where do you know, where do you draw the line? Like because like now you go in with this like open, more open mindset. And so they maybe react better to you. So they're like, "Yeah, let me invite you on to another meeting where they're just like, 'Hey, tell us everything you've created.'" And I don't know, like then you kind of have to decide like, yeah, I'm going to be open here and I'm going to have a nice thought process. And I'm not going to also let you take advantage of me.
Yann Dang: Exactly. There's just like this discernment, right? We can all win and I will not abandon myself ever.
Anonymous: Yeah.
Yann Dang: And there's just like that like continual piece of playing that game and it may also require you to speak up and say things that don't work for you. Like it may require you to say, "Okay, that works for me or no, actually this doesn't work for me and here's why." And to give yourself some room to be able to not say it nicely. I think part of you wants to say it nicely and wants it to land nicely, but sometimes it doesn't.
Anonymous: Yeah, I think you just nailed it. Like I think I want this ideal outcome where I do all of these things and it's well.
Yann Dang: Which is not - I mean, the reality is like if you're leading in spaces that weren't really built for you, it people are always going to have different. You're going to have the people that are like, "Wow, you're amazing. I'm so glad you're here." And then you're going to have the people, if, you know, however you show up, leadership is polarizing. You were going to get people that love you and you're going to get people that don't love you, don't like your style, don't like your leadership. And that's the price you pay to command. When you command, right? You get to be the person making the decisions.
Anonymous: Maybe that's the real thought that like I'm not going to be liked in this scenario.
Yann Dang: And like how would it feel to give yourself that permission to not be liked? Because there is, especially for women, it's like, "Do you want to be liked or you want to be respected?" And really, I always bring it down to like self-respecting yourself, liking yourself so much and respecting yourself so much that you make those choices in a discerning way, but most importantly for your, you know, to empower yourself.
Anonymous: Thank you.
Yann Dang: You're welcome.
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So there you have it. That was a leadership coaching call that I did with a group of women, of course, sharing their real stories and how they're impacted when they slow down, think about themselves, track back to the thoughts and feelings that they were having and the results that they were creating in their lives. So let me know how this episode hit you and go out and practice this yourself and come back and share with me what you're learning. I'd love to hear from you. I would love to coach you. If this is something you want more of in your life, please check out my latest offerings. All right, have a beautiful day ahead. I'll see you next week.
Thank you for being a part of The Balanced Leader community. We hope you found today's episode inspiring and actionable. For more resources and to connect with Yann, visit us at aspire-coaching.co. Until next time, keep leading with confidence and purpose.
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