43. Quiet Confidence: The Daily Ritual That Makes You Unshakable
Your 2-year-old claps after drinking from a cup. Your 4-year-old dances after tying her shoes. They brag without permission. But somewhere between childhood and adulthood, you learned that pride equals arrogance, that humility means shrinking, and that you need permission to feel worthy. The result? You're waiting for proof, performing for approval, and wondering why confidence feels so elusive when you've accomplished so much.
This episode explores a specific ritual and mindset shift that rewires how you see yourself - not through more achievements or external validation, but through the radical act of self-acknowledgment. This isn't about ego or being better than others. It's about genuinely liking yourself, valuing who you are beyond what you produce, and carrying yourself with the quiet confidence of someone who knows their worth.
Listen in this week to discover practical daily rituals to build self-validated intimacy, why your brain slides off compliments but grips criticism, and how to stop chasing confidence through achievements. By the end, you'll understand that confidence isn't earned through doing more - it's chosen through seeing yourself clearly, especially when there's no applause.
Interested in working with me? Book a free 1:1 consultation here!
What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why confidence is chosen, not earned, and how to access it before results arrive.
The difference between ego-driven pride and an embodied appreciation of yourself.
What happens when you start practicing the thought, “People are lucky to know me.”
How to create self-validated intimacy and why it transforms your presence.
The connection between self-acknowledgment and showing up more powerfully in relationships
How to mirror your growth back to yourself and build resilience through self-compassion.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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11. Your Most Valuable Relationship: How Your Inner Child Impacts Your Career and Life
Full Episode Transcript:
Let me share a secret with you. You don't need a promotion, praise, or a gold star to feel proud of who you are. You just need five minutes and a willingness to see yourself clearly. Because confidence isn't built by doing more. It's built by remembering you were worthy before you ever produced a single thing. Today's episode is going to give you a simple but powerful ritual to rewire your brain for self-trust, internal validation, and quiet, unshakable confidence.
Welcome to The Balanced Leader, hosted by Yann Dang, a Leadership and Life Coach with over 20 years of corporate experience. Drawing from her journey as a former global finance leader and second-generation immigrant, Yann understands the unique challenges women face in male-dominated workplaces.
Each episode offers insights on balancing masculine and feminine energies, mastering soft skills, and building emotional intelligence. Join us to transform frustration into empowerment and unlock your authentic leadership potential.
Hey podcast listeners, welcome to today's episode. It is all about a specific ritual that can have you showing up so differently in your life. And it's something that I share with a lot of my clients and something that I've been talking more and more about that helps people understand what is possible for them and what they actually have control over.
You've listened to my podcast, I am all about focusing on what we have control over and how we can give ourselves more and more permission to show up more powerfully in our lives. So this episode is very much the same theme. It is about giving ourselves permission to feel proud.
I want you to think about this because I was just thinking about kids, and if you've been around kids, especially really little kids, or if somebody is about to give birth, just how exciting it is. This child that has done nothing, that has just been born is just so seen as worthy and whole and perfect and holds so many people's hearts and dreams. But it's so interesting because as we grow into adults, it's so much more about doing and pleasing and all these things. But as kids, we didn't need permission to feel proud. We danced after tying our shoes.
Even now, I have an almost 2-year-old, and we're always clapping when she is drinking out of a cup, when she's using a fork. She's doing things, but then she's just being. We just find her adorable. We brag about our sparkly stickers. We talk about - this is more of my 4-year-old - we just talk about how excited we are about the world. And we thought that we were adorable. I think my daughter literally, she knows she's just adorable.
And she gets this attention and she's not, I guess now she's 4, so I'm starting to see her, like we're asking her to do things, you know, and we're praising that. So I'm just watching that. But somewhere along the way, right, we start getting taught. Humility means shrinking. Pride is arrogance. And we need others to tell us we're good enough, right? We need permission to celebrate ourselves. And I think this happens because it's a natural part of socialization. There are people who want you to do things and they want to have rewards and you're part of a big system that wants you to be a responsible adult someday, so you're going to learn these things.
But sometimes we over-learn them and we over-rely on external validation and we forget how valuable we are and how lucky we are to just be who we are and to be connected with other people. And so the result is that we become externally referenced, waiting for proof, performing for approval, and we wait for other people to like us or decide that they like us, or we do a lot of work to try to prove ourselves so that people think that we're worthy or like us for our accomplishments.
But here's the truth: confidence isn't earned, it's chosen, and it starts with choosing to see yourself, even when there's no applause. So I'm going to dive into this next section, which is really about this thought, this idea, this energy. It's not just something I say, it's something I actually feel in my body. And it's something that I share with my clients to practice this energy. The energy and the thought really is about this feeling that people are lucky to know me.
So I'm going to pause for a moment. I just want you to notice in your bones when you think about that. If you had this thought, you truly believed it, "People are lucky to know me," just notice what comes up for you. Are you feeling fear? Are you feeling angry? Do you feel hurt because that's just so far from the truth? How does that feel for you thinking this thought, "People are lucky to know me"?
So what I want to share with you that this isn't ego, this is embodied appreciation. When I first told one of my clients, she's a super high-performing client, and I would tell her, "Hey, I literally have this thought about myself. I want you to try to practice it on yourself." It's this thought that people are really lucky to know me. And she was like, "I just don't understand what that means. Is it because I am providing them with something? Is it an ego thing?" And I'm like, "No, no, no. I don't really hold this like, people are lucky to know me, that makes me better than everybody else."
I really hold this as, "People are lucky to know me." Again, it doesn't mean that I'm better than anyone else. It just means that I like myself. I value myself. And I know that I am a high-quality woman, a high-quality person, and it's more about the way that I hold myself and carry myself and what I expect from the world because I hold this belief.
And I'm not going to lie to you, I didn't always feel this way about myself, but it is something of the years of coaching that I've gotten and the relationship that I've built with myself that I carry this energy that people are lucky to know me. And this energy attracts more people to me, and it also helps me to feel more grounded and more authentically me and rooted in who I am. And it's not about the work I do. It's really about thinking about who I am, what I am made of, the experiences I've had. And for me, it's about being emotionally available to myself, committing to my growth, and being high quality to me is like I for the most part, do what I say I'm going to do, and I practice being the version of me that is just a high-quality person, right?
So, I know part of it maybe feels a little confusing, but there's a doing part to it. But it's really the embodiment of that thing and seeing how rare that is in the person you are, right? And it doesn't mean that I don't feel like when I'm with my friends that they're lucky. I feel like they're lucky to be with me, but I also feel really lucky to be with them because I see them and I see not just what they're doing, but who they are. I appreciate them. I appreciate having moments with them.
I just came back from Chicago where I met some of my friends and I got to connect with them one-on-one and I got to catch up with them. But again, it was about embodying myself, appreciating them, and knowing that they appreciate me. And I had so many great friends that just went out of their way to make time for me and I had a really busy schedule, but I also wanted that connection with them.
And so for you, thinking about this, I'm someone who is emotionally open, self-aware, and deeply intentional. I am lucky to know me. And so are others. That is really the thought around it of you being somebody that holds that and has that worthiness. Because this is where confidence comes from. It's not from someone else, it's from you seeing yourself in a very clear way and who you are. And if you feel really far from this, it just means that there's work for you to do.
Again, I didn't always like myself. Sometimes I loathe myself, right? And knowing that comes up for me just tells me there's work for you to do, to trust yourself more, to love yourself more, and I don't have to do it alone. I can share it with people, right? But if this was your thought, if you consistently worked at this thought and really believed it, what would be different for you? Would you feel lighter? Would you feel like you could make more mistakes? What would feel like for you to really have this belief because that's the energy that I was really talking to my client about. I want you to embrace this energy and this thought because when you do, things happen for you.
So what happens when you don't acknowledge yourself? Let's talk about what happens and then what can happen when you do. When you don't acknowledge yourself and who you are and what it is to be you and to really accept yourself and love yourself for the qualities that you bring, you end up chasing instead of attracting. You end up going after things and doing more and more, proving yourself, and maybe being really intense and trying too hard. You overwork to prove instead of owning what's already true. I hold myself as somebody who is going to show up and it doesn't matter how many hours I'm working, it matters what my intentionality is.
So then I like bypass the time piece. And I'm like, I'm going to give 2 hours to this, my full attention, and I'm going to get it done versus I'm going to give myself, you know, 2 weeks to work on this and then I'll get it done because I value the intentionality and the discipline that I bring to things. And I know who I am. So when I know that, I treat myself differently and I hold myself to a different standard. So when you don't acknowledge yourself, you minimize your wins, you stay quiet about your impact, and then you wonder why you don't feel confident. So you don't really fully own what you bring and you don't fully own who you are.
So let me give you an example. A client that I was working on, she was doing a 90-day onboarding goals and she actually did it in 60 days. So instead of celebrating, she moved the goal post instead. And she said to me, "But I still don't feel like I've earned my place." And this is what happens when you are on this hamster wheel, when you're like, you go after the results, you push yourself super hard, but you're really mean to yourself during the process. And you start creating this process and this motivation for yourself that comes from being mean to yourself, beating yourself up, treating yourself like crap.
And I did this a lot. I didn't notice it until I really started going to school on myself. And when I would get an email from a boss that was not very happy with my work, it would crush me. I would feel like everything that was joyful or happy in my day went away. And I felt like I was just a POS, right?
You know, I just felt really crappy about myself. And I had a coach once that said, "Listen, you can acknowledge that you did something wrong without eating crap for it, without beating yourself up all day for it." You can say, "I did that thing that was wrong and I can move forward and I can still be kind and compassionate to myself."
And that is a big huge skill. And you learn more of that skill when you have this energy and when you have these rituals that really help you to remember who you are. In spite of what other people might think or feel about you, you get to decide first and you take care of that relationship number one. I'm going to have the podcast producers also tag the episode about your inner child work because this is part of this. It's about your relationship with yourself.
So what I did with my client who always feels like she has to hustle for value, chase after things. We worked on daily self-acknowledgement, really celebrating yourself. You know, I do this to myself too. I have literal pep talks with myself where I'll be like, "Yann, you kicked ass today." And I will name all of the things that I did. And I know, I know for you it could feel highly uncomfortable, but I promise you when you work on this, when you work on yourself, when you build this strong relationship with yourself, you will feel confident. You will feel confident before anybody else acknowledges something that you've done. You will just know it because this is a muscle that you're building.
And that when I was working with my client that it's not because her results changed that she started feeling better about herself. It's because she did, because she started really going to school and owning this muscle. And even when tough times hit, she could feel more attuned to herself. She felt more authentic. She felt more real and she just felt more permission to be her because she was creating this relationship with herself.
You know, in psychology, there is a term called self-validated intimacy. And it is really about creating intimacy with yourself, really understanding yourself. And often times when I'm working with clients who are sharing with a loved one or with a boss or something, something that's happened to them, something that they feel that they want the other person to know, not so that the other person changes, but because they're validating themselves, because they're saying this is important. My feelings and my emotions and who I am in this moment matter. And I want you to hear it and I want you to witness it, and I don't need you to change. You can change if you want, but this is not about what it is.
And so this is why this intimacy with yourself is so important. It helps you to feel more grounded, to know who you are and to know that you honor yourself, that you're the type of person who honors how they feel. Even if it's messy, especially when it's messy, right?
So here are some things that you can try on. These self-acknowledgement rituals that can help you start building this within yourself. And I would pick one of these and just try it out and see what changes for you. The first one is, "Today I'm proud of myself for…" and then list them. This is also a really great activity if you have friends that are working on this as well, especially if you have friends that are working through imposter syndrome or they're really hard on themselves. You want to really celebrate yourself, get witnessed, and witness other people, small or big. So you want to remind yourself, why are you proud of yourself? And if what comes up is that I'm not, help yourself with, how can I be more proud of myself tomorrow?
Again, it's not just about doing, it's about being. It could be, "I beat myself up way less today," or, "I did something wrong and instead of being really nasty to myself, I'm so proud of myself for giving myself grace and compassion," right? This is the real work. And you can do this with your family too. Me and my kids and my husband, we try to do this as a ritual. Like what are we all proud of today? Something that we're all proud of and we all share it and we celebrate our ourselves and each other, but we're modeling it for our kids, but also for ourselves.
The next one is, "I showed up as the kind of woman who," right? Again, this is like if you did a presentation or maybe you just showed up in a group where you were more vulnerable or you were leading your team in a different way, you want to acknowledge and underline what this is. I showed up as the kind of woman who is clear, convicted, and says what she means. You want to again, see yourself and acknowledge yourself and it's not always easy. So this is why this practice makes such a big difference.
Another one is the energy I want to bring forward is… Again, this ritual helps you and I love to do this at the beginning of the day of what 3 words want to dictate my day. So this morning I said I want to feel playful, I want to feel intentional, and I want to feel alive. Again, this ritual helps me connect to myself and intentionally move towards the day I want to create for myself. And it's for me. If you notice that, right, all what I'm saying is this is all for you. It's for you. It's this energy that you bring. The more you're connected to yourself, the better you are to yourself, the more energy that brings into the life and into the spaces you're in.
And then lastly, you want to mirror yourself. Look at yourself and be able to have that pep talk that I said. "You're doing great. I'm proud of you. I've got your back. I know that was super hard and you did it."
I have to say this weekend I had a fight with my husband and I cleaned it up because I had this confidence in myself. I'm like, "Oh, I made this, I picked this big fight with him and guess what? I am woman enough, I am strong enough, I am vulnerable enough to figure it out and to fix it, you know, to fix it, to come back to myself." So you also build this resiliency in yourself to take on anything, to clean up whatever mess there is, because you believe in yourself to a bigger level. And then for me to say, "Yann, I know that wasn't easy for you, but you did it. You are becoming the type of woman, the type of partner that takes responsibility, that shares what's so for her, and that asks for support."
Like this is part of my journey as being married and in a couple and learning how to partner with my husband. And so you want to acknowledge these things, mirror those moments back to you. We're so good at doing it for maybe our little kids or for our team members, but we need to build this skill for ourselves. We need to know what it is that we bring to the table, who we are.
And I want you to track for yourself, right? This is a bonus. Keep a list of why people are lucky to know you. Again, this is not about big ego bragging, which a lot of women are scared about, but this is just about you being you and you knowing that you're high quality, that you're uniquely you. You taking in what people say as real feedback for you and acknowledging that and knowing that it's just as much for them as it is for you. Our brains are set up to basically any positive things, it just like slides off of us. But anything negative we hold on to so tight. This is a muscle to train yourself to hold on to those positive things for yourself, with yourself, with other people that share their experience with you.
I remember the first time a man that was coaching with me had shared with me. He said, "You are a high-quality person." And I remember being really struck by it because I felt he really meant it. It was really serious words. It really landed with me and I noticed something shift within me. And then I went to school on what that is, like why that's true. And I really went to school on why those words mattered to me. And those might be different words for you, but you want to notice yourself and be attuned to yourself. What are those words that matter to you? If it feels authentic to you, if it feels like more attunement to you, when I talk about attunement, it feels like it was part of you. It's something that you need and want, right, for yourself. So, I want you to go and practice these skills and see what shifts.
When you do this work, you start walking differently. You start standing differently. You start feeling more confident in yourself. Your voice gets clearer, your presence expands. You stop waiting to be picked and you start choosing yourself. This practice trains your nervous system to receive yourself, to sit with the power and the expansiveness that you are and how worthy you already are in this moment. To feel proud without a finish line, to be able to access this energy, this emotion, no matter what is happening in your life. Confidence is the frequency you choose before the results arrive. It's the energy of someone who already knows she's enough. And this is a muscle that you can be building every single day.
All right. So that is my invitation to you. If you've been waiting for someone to tell you're doing a good job, here it is. You are. You are growing. You're showing up. You're doing the work. And I promise people really are lucky to know you. But the most important person who needs to know that is you. So let this be the beginning of seeing yourself differently, not just when you win, but because you're willing to show up for yourself over and over and over again.
All right, you got this. I am sending lots of love to the podcast listeners. And if this landed with you and you want to go deeper with this and you want to build more confidence and emotional power within yourself, then I also invite you to book a clarity call with me and we will dive into this specifically for you. This is the work. This is the magic and it starts with you.
Thank you for being a part of The Balanced Leader community. We hope you found today's episode inspiring and actionable. For more resources and to connect with Yann, visit us at aspire-coaching.co. Until next time, keep leading with confidence and purpose.
Welcome to The Balanced Leader, hosted by Yann Dang, a Leadership and Life Coach with over 20 years of corporate experience. Drawing from her journey as a former global finance leader and second-generation immigrant, Yann understands the unique challenges women face in male-dominated workplaces.
Each episode offers insights on balancing masculine and feminine energies, mastering soft skills, and building emotional intelligence. Join us to transform frustration into empowerment and unlock your authentic leadership potential.
Hey podcast listeners, welcome to today's episode. It is all about a specific ritual that can have you showing up so differently in your life. And it's something that I share with a lot of my clients and something that I've been talking more and more about that helps people understand what is possible for them and what they actually have control over.
You've listened to my podcast, I am all about focusing on what we have control over and how we can give ourselves more and more permission to show up more powerfully in our lives. So this episode is very much the same theme. It is about giving ourselves permission to feel proud.
I want you to think about this because I was just thinking about kids, and if you've been around kids, especially really little kids, or if somebody is about to give birth, just how exciting it is. This child that has done nothing, that has just been born is just so seen as worthy and whole and perfect and holds so many people's hearts and dreams. But it's so interesting because as we grow into adults, it's so much more about doing and pleasing and all these things. But as kids, we didn't need permission to feel proud. We danced after tying our shoes.
Even now, I have an almost 2-year-old, and we're always clapping when she is drinking out of a cup, when she's using a fork. She's doing things, but then she's just being. We just find her adorable. We brag about our sparkly stickers. We talk about - this is more of my 4-year-old - we just talk about how excited we are about the world. And we thought that we were adorable. I think my daughter literally, she knows she's just adorable.
And she gets this attention and she's not, I guess now she's 4, so I'm starting to see her, like we're asking her to do things, you know, and we're praising that. So I'm just watching that. But somewhere along the way, right, we start getting taught. Humility means shrinking. Pride is arrogance. And we need others to tell us we're good enough, right? We need permission to celebrate ourselves. And I think this happens because it's a natural part of socialization. There are people who want you to do things and they want to have rewards and you're part of a big system that wants you to be a responsible adult someday, so you're going to learn these things.
But sometimes we over-learn them and we over-rely on external validation and we forget how valuable we are and how lucky we are to just be who we are and to be connected with other people. And so the result is that we become externally referenced, waiting for proof, performing for approval, and we wait for other people to like us or decide that they like us, or we do a lot of work to try to prove ourselves so that people think that we're worthy or like us for our accomplishments.
But here's the truth: confidence isn't earned, it's chosen, and it starts with choosing to see yourself, even when there's no applause. So I'm going to dive into this next section, which is really about this thought, this idea, this energy. It's not just something I say, it's something I actually feel in my body. And it's something that I share with my clients to practice this energy. The energy and the thought really is about this feeling that people are lucky to know me.
So I'm going to pause for a moment. I just want you to notice in your bones when you think about that. If you had this thought, you truly believed it, "People are lucky to know me," just notice what comes up for you. Are you feeling fear? Are you feeling angry? Do you feel hurt because that's just so far from the truth? How does that feel for you thinking this thought, "People are lucky to know me"?
So what I want to share with you that this isn't ego, this is embodied appreciation. When I first told one of my clients, she's a super high-performing client, and I would tell her, "Hey, I literally have this thought about myself. I want you to try to practice it on yourself." It's this thought that people are really lucky to know me. And she was like, "I just don't understand what that means. Is it because I am providing them with something? Is it an ego thing?" And I'm like, "No, no, no. I don't really hold this like, people are lucky to know me, that makes me better than everybody else."
I really hold this as, "People are lucky to know me." Again, it doesn't mean that I'm better than anyone else. It just means that I like myself. I value myself. And I know that I am a high-quality woman, a high-quality person, and it's more about the way that I hold myself and carry myself and what I expect from the world because I hold this belief.
And I'm not going to lie to you, I didn't always feel this way about myself, but it is something of the years of coaching that I've gotten and the relationship that I've built with myself that I carry this energy that people are lucky to know me. And this energy attracts more people to me, and it also helps me to feel more grounded and more authentically me and rooted in who I am. And it's not about the work I do. It's really about thinking about who I am, what I am made of, the experiences I've had. And for me, it's about being emotionally available to myself, committing to my growth, and being high quality to me is like I for the most part, do what I say I'm going to do, and I practice being the version of me that is just a high-quality person, right?
So, I know part of it maybe feels a little confusing, but there's a doing part to it. But it's really the embodiment of that thing and seeing how rare that is in the person you are, right? And it doesn't mean that I don't feel like when I'm with my friends that they're lucky. I feel like they're lucky to be with me, but I also feel really lucky to be with them because I see them and I see not just what they're doing, but who they are. I appreciate them. I appreciate having moments with them.
I just came back from Chicago where I met some of my friends and I got to connect with them one-on-one and I got to catch up with them. But again, it was about embodying myself, appreciating them, and knowing that they appreciate me. And I had so many great friends that just went out of their way to make time for me and I had a really busy schedule, but I also wanted that connection with them.
And so for you, thinking about this, I'm someone who is emotionally open, self-aware, and deeply intentional. I am lucky to know me. And so are others. That is really the thought around it of you being somebody that holds that and has that worthiness. Because this is where confidence comes from. It's not from someone else, it's from you seeing yourself in a very clear way and who you are. And if you feel really far from this, it just means that there's work for you to do.
Again, I didn't always like myself. Sometimes I loathe myself, right? And knowing that comes up for me just tells me there's work for you to do, to trust yourself more, to love yourself more, and I don't have to do it alone. I can share it with people, right? But if this was your thought, if you consistently worked at this thought and really believed it, what would be different for you? Would you feel lighter? Would you feel like you could make more mistakes? What would feel like for you to really have this belief because that's the energy that I was really talking to my client about. I want you to embrace this energy and this thought because when you do, things happen for you.
So what happens when you don't acknowledge yourself? Let's talk about what happens and then what can happen when you do. When you don't acknowledge yourself and who you are and what it is to be you and to really accept yourself and love yourself for the qualities that you bring, you end up chasing instead of attracting. You end up going after things and doing more and more, proving yourself, and maybe being really intense and trying too hard. You overwork to prove instead of owning what's already true. I hold myself as somebody who is going to show up and it doesn't matter how many hours I'm working, it matters what my intentionality is.
So then I like bypass the time piece. And I'm like, I'm going to give 2 hours to this, my full attention, and I'm going to get it done versus I'm going to give myself, you know, 2 weeks to work on this and then I'll get it done because I value the intentionality and the discipline that I bring to things. And I know who I am. So when I know that, I treat myself differently and I hold myself to a different standard. So when you don't acknowledge yourself, you minimize your wins, you stay quiet about your impact, and then you wonder why you don't feel confident. So you don't really fully own what you bring and you don't fully own who you are.
So let me give you an example. A client that I was working on, she was doing a 90-day onboarding goals and she actually did it in 60 days. So instead of celebrating, she moved the goal post instead. And she said to me, "But I still don't feel like I've earned my place." And this is what happens when you are on this hamster wheel, when you're like, you go after the results, you push yourself super hard, but you're really mean to yourself during the process. And you start creating this process and this motivation for yourself that comes from being mean to yourself, beating yourself up, treating yourself like crap.
And I did this a lot. I didn't notice it until I really started going to school on myself. And when I would get an email from a boss that was not very happy with my work, it would crush me. I would feel like everything that was joyful or happy in my day went away. And I felt like I was just a POS, right?
You know, I just felt really crappy about myself. And I had a coach once that said, "Listen, you can acknowledge that you did something wrong without eating crap for it, without beating yourself up all day for it." You can say, "I did that thing that was wrong and I can move forward and I can still be kind and compassionate to myself."
And that is a big huge skill. And you learn more of that skill when you have this energy and when you have these rituals that really help you to remember who you are. In spite of what other people might think or feel about you, you get to decide first and you take care of that relationship number one. I'm going to have the podcast producers also tag the episode about your inner child work because this is part of this. It's about your relationship with yourself.
So what I did with my client who always feels like she has to hustle for value, chase after things. We worked on daily self-acknowledgement, really celebrating yourself. You know, I do this to myself too. I have literal pep talks with myself where I'll be like, "Yann, you kicked ass today." And I will name all of the things that I did. And I know, I know for you it could feel highly uncomfortable, but I promise you when you work on this, when you work on yourself, when you build this strong relationship with yourself, you will feel confident. You will feel confident before anybody else acknowledges something that you've done. You will just know it because this is a muscle that you're building.
And that when I was working with my client that it's not because her results changed that she started feeling better about herself. It's because she did, because she started really going to school and owning this muscle. And even when tough times hit, she could feel more attuned to herself. She felt more authentic. She felt more real and she just felt more permission to be her because she was creating this relationship with herself.
You know, in psychology, there is a term called self-validated intimacy. And it is really about creating intimacy with yourself, really understanding yourself. And often times when I'm working with clients who are sharing with a loved one or with a boss or something, something that's happened to them, something that they feel that they want the other person to know, not so that the other person changes, but because they're validating themselves, because they're saying this is important. My feelings and my emotions and who I am in this moment matter. And I want you to hear it and I want you to witness it, and I don't need you to change. You can change if you want, but this is not about what it is.
And so this is why this intimacy with yourself is so important. It helps you to feel more grounded, to know who you are and to know that you honor yourself, that you're the type of person who honors how they feel. Even if it's messy, especially when it's messy, right?
So here are some things that you can try on. These self-acknowledgement rituals that can help you start building this within yourself. And I would pick one of these and just try it out and see what changes for you. The first one is, "Today I'm proud of myself for…" and then list them. This is also a really great activity if you have friends that are working on this as well, especially if you have friends that are working through imposter syndrome or they're really hard on themselves. You want to really celebrate yourself, get witnessed, and witness other people, small or big. So you want to remind yourself, why are you proud of yourself? And if what comes up is that I'm not, help yourself with, how can I be more proud of myself tomorrow?
Again, it's not just about doing, it's about being. It could be, "I beat myself up way less today," or, "I did something wrong and instead of being really nasty to myself, I'm so proud of myself for giving myself grace and compassion," right? This is the real work. And you can do this with your family too. Me and my kids and my husband, we try to do this as a ritual. Like what are we all proud of today? Something that we're all proud of and we all share it and we celebrate our ourselves and each other, but we're modeling it for our kids, but also for ourselves.
The next one is, "I showed up as the kind of woman who," right? Again, this is like if you did a presentation or maybe you just showed up in a group where you were more vulnerable or you were leading your team in a different way, you want to acknowledge and underline what this is. I showed up as the kind of woman who is clear, convicted, and says what she means. You want to again, see yourself and acknowledge yourself and it's not always easy. So this is why this practice makes such a big difference.
Another one is the energy I want to bring forward is… Again, this ritual helps you and I love to do this at the beginning of the day of what 3 words want to dictate my day. So this morning I said I want to feel playful, I want to feel intentional, and I want to feel alive. Again, this ritual helps me connect to myself and intentionally move towards the day I want to create for myself. And it's for me. If you notice that, right, all what I'm saying is this is all for you. It's for you. It's this energy that you bring. The more you're connected to yourself, the better you are to yourself, the more energy that brings into the life and into the spaces you're in.
And then lastly, you want to mirror yourself. Look at yourself and be able to have that pep talk that I said. "You're doing great. I'm proud of you. I've got your back. I know that was super hard and you did it."
I have to say this weekend I had a fight with my husband and I cleaned it up because I had this confidence in myself. I'm like, "Oh, I made this, I picked this big fight with him and guess what? I am woman enough, I am strong enough, I am vulnerable enough to figure it out and to fix it, you know, to fix it, to come back to myself." So you also build this resiliency in yourself to take on anything, to clean up whatever mess there is, because you believe in yourself to a bigger level. And then for me to say, "Yann, I know that wasn't easy for you, but you did it. You are becoming the type of woman, the type of partner that takes responsibility, that shares what's so for her, and that asks for support."
Like this is part of my journey as being married and in a couple and learning how to partner with my husband. And so you want to acknowledge these things, mirror those moments back to you. We're so good at doing it for maybe our little kids or for our team members, but we need to build this skill for ourselves. We need to know what it is that we bring to the table, who we are.
And I want you to track for yourself, right? This is a bonus. Keep a list of why people are lucky to know you. Again, this is not about big ego bragging, which a lot of women are scared about, but this is just about you being you and you knowing that you're high quality, that you're uniquely you. You taking in what people say as real feedback for you and acknowledging that and knowing that it's just as much for them as it is for you. Our brains are set up to basically any positive things, it just like slides off of us. But anything negative we hold on to so tight. This is a muscle to train yourself to hold on to those positive things for yourself, with yourself, with other people that share their experience with you.
I remember the first time a man that was coaching with me had shared with me. He said, "You are a high-quality person." And I remember being really struck by it because I felt he really meant it. It was really serious words. It really landed with me and I noticed something shift within me. And then I went to school on what that is, like why that's true. And I really went to school on why those words mattered to me. And those might be different words for you, but you want to notice yourself and be attuned to yourself. What are those words that matter to you? If it feels authentic to you, if it feels like more attunement to you, when I talk about attunement, it feels like it was part of you. It's something that you need and want, right, for yourself. So, I want you to go and practice these skills and see what shifts.
When you do this work, you start walking differently. You start standing differently. You start feeling more confident in yourself. Your voice gets clearer, your presence expands. You stop waiting to be picked and you start choosing yourself. This practice trains your nervous system to receive yourself, to sit with the power and the expansiveness that you are and how worthy you already are in this moment. To feel proud without a finish line, to be able to access this energy, this emotion, no matter what is happening in your life. Confidence is the frequency you choose before the results arrive. It's the energy of someone who already knows she's enough. And this is a muscle that you can be building every single day.
All right. So that is my invitation to you. If you've been waiting for someone to tell you're doing a good job, here it is. You are. You are growing. You're showing up. You're doing the work. And I promise people really are lucky to know you. But the most important person who needs to know that is you. So let this be the beginning of seeing yourself differently, not just when you win, but because you're willing to show up for yourself over and over and over again.
All right, you got this. I am sending lots of love to the podcast listeners. And if this landed with you and you want to go deeper with this and you want to build more confidence and emotional power within yourself, then I also invite you to book a clarity call with me and we will dive into this specifically for you. This is the work. This is the magic and it starts with you.
Thank you for being a part of The Balanced Leader community. We hope you found today's episode inspiring and actionable. For more resources and to connect with Yann, visit us at aspire-coaching.co. Until next time, keep leading with confidence and purpose.
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