53. The Price of a Commanding Presence
Have you ever wondered why some leaders seem to command attention effortlessly while others struggle to be heard?
Every leader faces moments of being dismissed, overlooked, or challenged, especially if they’re the only woman in the room. I’ve experienced it numerous times myself. But building a commanding presence isn't about the perfect outfit or the right words. So, what separates those who shrink from those who shine?
If you've ever felt overlooked in meetings, struggled with imposter syndrome, or found yourself shrinking to make others comfortable, this episode is for you. Listen in this week to learn the price of a commanding presence, how to shift from the old game of "performing for approval" to the new game of self-empowered leadership, and practical steps to stay grounded when all eyes are on you.
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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why presence isn't how you perform but how much discomfort you're willing to stay present for.
The four discomforts you must allow to have a commanding presence.
How to stop playing the old game of performing for approval and start playing the new game of self-empowered leadership.
3 practical steps to build your capacity when you feel dismissed, exposed, or judged.
The difference between waiting for others to create safety versus creating your own power and approval.
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Full Episode Transcript:
Everyone wants a commanding presence, but no one tells you what it really costs. Not the perfect outfit, not the right words. It's your willingness to face rejection, exposure, even hate, and still stay open and grounded. If you can't allow those feelings, you'll find yourself shrinking, over-explaining, or burning out. Today, we're going to talk about the real work behind a commanding presence and why it's so worth it.
Welcome to The Balanced Leader, hosted by Yann Dang, a Leadership and Life Coach with over 20 years of corporate experience. Drawing from her journey as a former global finance leader and second-generation immigrant, Yann understands the unique challenges women face in male-dominated workplaces.
Each episode offers insights on balancing masculine and feminine energies, mastering soft skills, and building emotional intelligence. Join us to transform frustration into empowerment and unlock your authentic leadership potential.
All right. Hey, podcast listeners. Welcome to this episode about the real price of a commanding presence. I want to dive in with a personal story that really helped me understand what was on the line and the way I was playing this game with myself about how people would recognize me or not recognize me, and how I just gave a lot of other people outside of myself the power to dismiss me.
So the opposite of having a commanding presence, right, having command, commanding a room, is being overlooked, is being dismissed, is being sidelined, right? These things happen to us. So, I want to share more of a personal story. When I was in a coaching community, and I noticed that I would play this weird game with myself and this male leader who was our coach, right? We had female leaders and we had male leaders. And I had a particularly weird game I would play with him. I would notice, right, I'd come into a room and I would like, notice, is he going to say my name right? Is he going to notice me? Is he going to say hi to me? It was really weird, right?
It feels like some weird game you play with somebody that you have a crush on, but in this case, I didn't have a crush on him. I was literally like, I respected him. I was sort of testing him. I was noticing like if I could trust him. And I would come into rooms, sometimes he would say hi to me, notice me, give me eye contact, and I would feel noticeable, and I would feel more open to sharing. And of course in this coaching group, one of the things that it really talked about is having vulnerable and honest conversations with people. That's the learning and growing, right? And so for me, I actually, his name was Kevin, and I said, "Kevin, I noticed sometimes you say hi to me and sometimes you don't, and it hurts my feelings when you don't say hi to me. I feel like you're dismissing me."
And he said this in such a powerful way that it totally landed, and I don't think, I think I had enough relationship and rapport and trust with him at that point where when he said this to me, I really allowed it to sink in. I really allowed myself to understand it, and it totally transformed the way that I show up in rooms, especially rooms with men. So he said to me, "Yann, I hear you. I want to remember you, and I want to say your name, and I want to make sure that you are seen and heard. At the same time, there is a way that you make yourself dismissible or overlooked."
And I just thought about that for a second and I thought, "Wow, what is that? Is there a way?" And I would think, yes, there is. Like I'm almost testing him. I would show up, I wouldn't take up a lot of space, I would be small, and I don't know if I was doing it consciously, but it was almost like I was scared of the spotlight. I was scared of exposure. I was scared of taking up space and then being rejected. It's almost like this weird game that it's like, if they don't see me, I can just blame them. Versus, if I show up in a big way and they still don't see me, then do I blame myself or do I blame them? Or do I feel vulnerable because I tried to go for the attention and I didn't get it?
And so it really helped me to see that I was playing a game with myself and I was not really expecting to be seen. And I was allowing myself to be dismissible or overlooked. So that day, I learned a commanding presence isn't a style, it's a capacity. It's the ability to stay present when you feel most exposed. And it changed the way that I showed up in rooms, it changed the way that I, instead of unconsciously testing if men would remember me or not or authority figures would remember me or not, I took on the responsibility myself.
And I learned that I can be somebody who's not dismissible. And I learned that I can take up space and that I can command space. And I think a lot of times people don't realize what it takes to really have a commanding presence. If you think about it, somebody who has a commanding presence is coming into a room, they have their own thoughts and feelings about themselves, but they are also putting themselves, right, by being a big splash, by taking up space and by showing up with your grounded authority, you are also opening yourself up to rejection, exposure, vulnerability, and even hate.
So if you think about this, people who take up the most space, people are out there in the world saying what's so, having the audacity to say things that sometimes don't even make sense. They're exposing themselves to rejection and exposing themselves to hate and exposing themselves to being vulnerable, because you don't know how people are going to respond to you. And that is the price of command. That price of doing it again and again and learning to command rooms and really learning how to command yourself so that you are choosing to do it consciously.
This is really the price, right? If you look at, you know sometimes we look at politicians or we look at celebrities, they have a big price that they're paying. They put music out in the world and you don't know if they're going to people are going to like it or not like it. So there's that exposure, there's that vulnerability. I wrote this song and I love it and people are like, they may love it or they may hate it. But your job as a leader and your job as a leader who wants to command more and more spaces is to focus on yourself and to focus on the importance of what you're putting out in the world and to know that it is natural and normal to have these feelings.
To feel like you might face rejection, to feel exposed, to be scared that people might hate you, right? And these things are going to happen, but you don't need to allow them to take up more space than they take up. You're like, it's a possibility. But it's kind of like when people are like, if I really show up as me and I'm super uber like successful, my friends are not going to be my friends or my family might not like me anymore. And really the question there is like, are you going to like yourself? Are you going to love yourself no matter what? Because that is also something that you need to learn how to do if you are going to command more spaces.
You need to have your own back, right? The reality is people are not always going to have your back, but you've got to have your own back. And if you're going to learn how to command spaces, that is part of what you need, right? The willingness to feel these emotions, but also the willingness to have your own back and take care of yourself, because that is what it's going to take to continue to fight that good fight and to be in it.
So I want you to notice for yourself, what would it take for you to take up that space? Because the reality is if people don't like you for how you're showing up more authentically with bigger capacity, with bigger power, with more success, then the reality is they only liked you for that version of yourself that was right there and then. They don't like you for the version of yourself that's expansive. And you get to decide, right?
What is most impactful for you? You have this one life. You have this ability to make life what you want it to be. Are you going to play it small and stay safe or are you going to expand and make more friends and have real authentic relationships with people who see you expanding and care about you and want you to do that? These are all choices, and I want you to be honest with yourself because if people think like, "Oh, I'm going to go command a space, especially a space that wasn't built for you, that was for all these men," and think that it's going to be a easy ride and that you're not going to feel exposed and you're not going to feel vulnerable, then it's just not the truth.
And I'm here in this podcast to tell women the truth. And the truth is, you know that most people think presence is about being polished, sounding confident, looking perfect. But presence isn't how you perform. It's how much discomfort you're willing to stay present for without shutting down or lashing out. Let me say this again. Presence isn't how you perform. It's how much discomfort you're willing to stay present for without shutting down or lashing out.
I remember there was a moment, I think I was in a leadership meeting and somebody kept saying my name wrong. I think I've probably shared this on the podcast before. I have a trigger. My name is Yann. I like people to say my name is Yann. I don't think it's too much to ask for people, right? And I don't get super triggered these days when people say my name wrong because I've worked it. But I remember in this meeting, somebody kept saying my name and I was totally confused because he kept saying it wrong until I realized, "Oh my God, he's saying my name." And I commanded the room and I said, "Hey, John, it's not Yan, it's Yann." And it might have sounded really sharp in the moment. I think people kind of woke up because it was kind of getting to be a sleepy meeting, you know?
But I was really proud of myself. You know, some people were a little bit probably a little scared, but at the same time I was like, I've exposed myself, I'm being vulnerable, I'm showing up, right, I'm taking up space. And people might not like that, but I liked that for me in that moment. It was growth for me and I was working on growing and taking command and being with myself as I took up more space, right? Did it feel uncomfortable? Yes. Of course it felt uncomfortable.
And this is the truth, right? If you are commanding more and more spaces, it's going to be uncomfortable, but you are going to expand your capacity and your capability to deal with that discomfort and still stay present. This is what leadership is. Your ability to expand your emotional capacity while still being present and grounded and giving yourself big room to make mistakes and to learn.
Let's talk about the four discomforts you must allow. Number one, rejection. Being cut off in meetings, your idea being dismissed. You've got to learn how to stay anchored and clear rather than spinning out and thinking that rejection means something crazy about you, that you don't belong, that this room wasn't ever meant for you, that other people have so much more power than you, right? You've got to watch your stories that you tell yourself. So when I used to get a cut off in meetings, yeah, there might be a drama and upset, but then I learned that, wow, other people are getting cut off too. This man's getting cut off as well. Wow, this guy's cutting off this other guy, right? I took it less personally. And I was like, look, somebody can cut me off and I can feel rejected, but I can still come back from that.
The last episode that you heard about coming back from cutoffs, right, is really about being grounded, feeling hurt and angry and still coming back. Rejection is part of it. People who expect it to be easy, people who expect that people are just going to love your idea, they're in for a long ride and it can lead to burnout because their expectations of what it takes to command rooms, to make this impact, right? If their thought is always like this is exhausting, this is too hard, it wasn't meant to be this hard, right? It can feel like just terrible if you feel like that, right, versus accepting, well, rejection's just part of it.
I'm a woman in this space, they've not seen it before. They don't know what it's like. They're rejecting what I'm saying. How do I come back from that? How do I not make it about me in the moment, make it about my leadership ability or my capabilities and make it more about me learning a skill to be seen and heard in a room? And if rejection comes, it comes. Most people have ideas and it's 50% rejected and 50% that's a brilliant idea, let's move it forward, right?
How do you stay in the game and continue to work on your skill of commanding the presence and commanding the spaces? I've been in rooms where my idea has gotten rejected, but I've had a commanding presence and I still felt like I was part of adding to the solution because when you can say no to things, you know what you want to say yes to, and it has more data for the rest of the room to understand. But if you think about the people who learn the most, they're the people that are willing to make mistakes to learn from it quickly.
And they're the people that are willing to be rejected or exposed. Again, exposure is another big thing, right? You're the only woman in the room. Of course you're going to feel exposed. Being the only woman, being the youngest woman, maybe being the only person of color, all eyes are on you. And you get to consciously choose visibility over hiding. You get to talk to yourself and say, "I'm going to allow this feeling of exposure because this is just what it is." And I'm still going to talk to myself in a way where I'm like, "You're meant to be here. You belong here. They need to hear your words and your leadership. You bring a unique perspective," right? That's the way to allow for exposure, but also be really clear about why you're in the room.
And the next one is hate. You may get hate. You're going to face criticism, especially if you're holding people accountable and you're actually calling out the truth. That team is not doing what they need to do. We need X, Y, and Z. We need to stop playing these games. We need to stop with the gossip and actually start getting work done. People are not going to like you. You might be told that you are the B word or they might tell you that you are coming on too strong or that you need to smile more. There is like criticism and it's not exactly hate, but there's going to be feedback.
And there are a lot of studies that show women get way more feedback on their personal style and their way of speaking than men do, right? And if you can accept that this is a thing, not accept that it's right, just accept that, okay, this happens and again, not make it mean that you're not supposed to be in the room, you can also zoom out and say, listen, these guys don't know what it's like for a woman leader to partner with them, to hold them accountable, and to say the truth. It could feel threatening to them. And so hate is a part of that.
Having people dislike you is a part of that. But again, if you allow it instead of try to suppress it and control it, then you have much more capacity to take care of yourself. You have much more capacity to see what lands well and what doesn't, and you have much more capacity to be back in the game versus feeling like, oh, somebody dislikes me or somebody doesn't like something about me and it's going to stop me, right? I'm going to go think about it for a week or two weeks.
I've had this too. People don't like my style. They didn't like the way I led. But what mattered to me is I liked it. And I also got data. What didn't they like? Oh, that's interesting. Do I want to do anything about it or not? But I'm not going to control how they feel and think about me, right? That is something that if I spent my time doing, I would be in burnout and I wouldn't be commanding spaces. I would be allowing other people's thoughts and opinions of me to stop me from learning this ability to command more and more spaces.
And the fourth one is vulnerability, speaking up when you're not 100% sure of the outcome, leading with honesty and not perfection. It's not about being perfect, it's not about being polished. I think a lot of times women think if they say it properly, if they say it calmly, if they come across very smooth or have a finesse about it. Yes, of course that's great. But if you're going to put that pedestal on you every single day, every single meeting, that's a lot of pressure and that will lead to burnout. Instead of allowing yourself to be vulnerable and knowing, hey, this is part of the game of showing up, giving yourself bandwidth to show up in a lot of different ways. I actually just had this with one of my clients.
She was so hard on herself. She said, "Oh my gosh, I went to my team meeting and I was so stern." She calls herself the B word. She showed up really with this like tight energy and she just afterwards judged the crap out of herself. And I said, "Listen, your staff has no idea what it is for you to be in your role, to have the pressure that you have, to command the spaces you have to command, to make the decisions you have to make." And so it makes sense that you showed up with a lot of anger, a lot of defensiveness, a lot of upset when they didn't like your idea and they wanted you to move forward, right? They're having their own emotions and their own thoughts about it.
And you need to give yourself grace and know that these are vulnerable spaces. And you can always clean things up later. Like you don't need to beat yourself up while you're doing all of these things because it takes a lot of energy and it takes a lot of commitment to have this capacity to command, to have this skill to command. And in doing that, she was able to give herself more grace, notice like what she actually wanted to do, and also to zoom out and see the bigger picture. It's not about performance and it's not about being perfect. It's again, it's how much discomfort you're willing to stay present for without shutting down or lashing out.
And she was present in that meeting and this is the price of commanding spaces, really learning how to expand your capacity to allow for rejection, exposure, hate or negative feedback or criticism and vulnerability. These are just part of, if you can accept that this is part of what it takes to command spaces, then you're going to be less hard on yourself and you're going to feel more of like, okay, this is the path. And I'm ready for it.
Because if you truly are ready to speak up in these high stakes moments and these meetings, then this is the price and your willingness and your bravery to pay this price is really awesome and is really admirable. A lot of women don't want to do this. A lot of women say, forget it, I want to go work somewhere else. I don't want to work in an environment that's hard. But there's a big why for you. There's a reason that you want to be heard and there's skill sets and leadership that's needed. So we just want to notice because that's a hidden trap.
If you don't allow rejection, exposure, vulnerability, even hate, what you could end up feeling is if I were truly confident, I wouldn't be rattled. So then you start criticizing yourself as you're learning this. And I want to share with you a concept of what I'm teaching my clients about the old game of performing for approval versus a new game. And this is the new game that I invite you all on with me and all of my clients on. The new game is really confidence isn't the absence of emotion. It's the decision to keep leading yourself through it.
So discomfort is part of the whole game and you've got to want to take in that discomfort and build your capacity for that discomfort if you are to win at this new game, if you are to command in spaces that literally were not built for you, that literally want to keep you out of it. So the old game is about avoiding rejection and exposure. It's about performing perfectly and so polished in order to earn respect. It's about beat up or feeling bad about being nervous or feeling uncomfortable. It's shrinking when being challenged. It's really you questioning your ability versus the new game that I want to invite all of you on and is the game that is going to allow you to lead in these male dominated spaces while still being able to advance without burnout.
This is the new game. It expects them as part of leadership. It expects challenges and discomfort. holds authority even in those uncomfortable moments. It accepts humanity and stays grounded. and it is really about you giving yourself power and approval before anyone else. The old game is waiting for other people to approve of you, to create safety for you. The new game is self-empowered leadership, is staying visible and grounded in yourself.
So, in order to really build this capacity, I want to offer you three usable steps. Number one, name the feeling. Is it rejection, exposure, vulnerability? What is it? Is it hate? Or what are you, what are you noticing that's happening to you that you feel scared about? And it's staying present to that. And then it's anchoring in your body, feeling your breath, right? Slowing down, feeling your breath, noticing your feet on the ground, slowing your pace down. You want to notice yourself when you're having these emotional moments or feeling uncomfortable. And then returning to this bigger new game. I'm here to lead, not to be liked. I'm here to lead, not to be liked. So that you pull yourself out of that old game of being liked and making sure everybody feels comfortable around you to this new game where, whoa, you feel uncomfortable, but you like yourself and you're learning to be proud of yourself and you're learning to command spaces again that were not built for you.
All right, that was a lot in this episode, but I really wanted you to have this episode because when I had shared this at the workshop, it really hit a chord with the women and I know it's going to hit a chord with you. The price of command, the price of learning to have a commanding presence is truly rejection, exposure, hate, and vulnerability. The more you can allow yourself to expand your capacity, your window of tolerance for these emotions that will come up, that will come your way, the more you are going to lead yourself and command yourself and the quicker you are going to have this commanding presence because you're going to be like, this is part of it. It's like I'm signing up for a marathon, it's going to be hard. I'm going to have aches and pains. It's going to take a lot of dedication. It's going to take a lot of commitment.
It's the same for you. If you want to command in these spaces again that were not built for you, then you need to allow for this and know that this is part of the journey. It's not the end game, it's just part of the journey. Commanding presence isn't about having no fear. It's about deciding ahead of time that you can hold yourself in the fire. This week, when you feel dismissed, exposed, judged, pause and tell yourself, I can allow this, I can lead anyway. That's the muscle that will make you undeniable.
All right, friends, I hope you got a lot out of this episode. Listen to it again, let it sit and sink in, especially in those moments when you start beating yourself up or judging yourself. There's a high price to command and you are more than capable of paying that price and how worth it is for you to change the face and feel of leadership forever and for you to show up as a type of leader that can command in these spaces. All right, I will see you next week. Have a beautiful week.
Thank you for being a part of The Balanced Leader community. We hope you found today's episode inspiring and actionable. For more resources and to connect with Yann, visit us at aspire-coaching.co. Until next time, keep leading with confidence and purpose.
Welcome to The Balanced Leader, hosted by Yann Dang, a Leadership and Life Coach with over 20 years of corporate experience. Drawing from her journey as a former global finance leader and second-generation immigrant, Yann understands the unique challenges women face in male-dominated workplaces.
Each episode offers insights on balancing masculine and feminine energies, mastering soft skills, and building emotional intelligence. Join us to transform frustration into empowerment and unlock your authentic leadership potential.
All right. Hey, podcast listeners. Welcome to this episode about the real price of a commanding presence. I want to dive in with a personal story that really helped me understand what was on the line and the way I was playing this game with myself about how people would recognize me or not recognize me, and how I just gave a lot of other people outside of myself the power to dismiss me.
So the opposite of having a commanding presence, right, having command, commanding a room, is being overlooked, is being dismissed, is being sidelined, right? These things happen to us. So, I want to share more of a personal story. When I was in a coaching community, and I noticed that I would play this weird game with myself and this male leader who was our coach, right? We had female leaders and we had male leaders. And I had a particularly weird game I would play with him. I would notice, right, I'd come into a room and I would like, notice, is he going to say my name right? Is he going to notice me? Is he going to say hi to me? It was really weird, right?
It feels like some weird game you play with somebody that you have a crush on, but in this case, I didn't have a crush on him. I was literally like, I respected him. I was sort of testing him. I was noticing like if I could trust him. And I would come into rooms, sometimes he would say hi to me, notice me, give me eye contact, and I would feel noticeable, and I would feel more open to sharing. And of course in this coaching group, one of the things that it really talked about is having vulnerable and honest conversations with people. That's the learning and growing, right? And so for me, I actually, his name was Kevin, and I said, "Kevin, I noticed sometimes you say hi to me and sometimes you don't, and it hurts my feelings when you don't say hi to me. I feel like you're dismissing me."
And he said this in such a powerful way that it totally landed, and I don't think, I think I had enough relationship and rapport and trust with him at that point where when he said this to me, I really allowed it to sink in. I really allowed myself to understand it, and it totally transformed the way that I show up in rooms, especially rooms with men. So he said to me, "Yann, I hear you. I want to remember you, and I want to say your name, and I want to make sure that you are seen and heard. At the same time, there is a way that you make yourself dismissible or overlooked."
And I just thought about that for a second and I thought, "Wow, what is that? Is there a way?" And I would think, yes, there is. Like I'm almost testing him. I would show up, I wouldn't take up a lot of space, I would be small, and I don't know if I was doing it consciously, but it was almost like I was scared of the spotlight. I was scared of exposure. I was scared of taking up space and then being rejected. It's almost like this weird game that it's like, if they don't see me, I can just blame them. Versus, if I show up in a big way and they still don't see me, then do I blame myself or do I blame them? Or do I feel vulnerable because I tried to go for the attention and I didn't get it?
And so it really helped me to see that I was playing a game with myself and I was not really expecting to be seen. And I was allowing myself to be dismissible or overlooked. So that day, I learned a commanding presence isn't a style, it's a capacity. It's the ability to stay present when you feel most exposed. And it changed the way that I showed up in rooms, it changed the way that I, instead of unconsciously testing if men would remember me or not or authority figures would remember me or not, I took on the responsibility myself.
And I learned that I can be somebody who's not dismissible. And I learned that I can take up space and that I can command space. And I think a lot of times people don't realize what it takes to really have a commanding presence. If you think about it, somebody who has a commanding presence is coming into a room, they have their own thoughts and feelings about themselves, but they are also putting themselves, right, by being a big splash, by taking up space and by showing up with your grounded authority, you are also opening yourself up to rejection, exposure, vulnerability, and even hate.
So if you think about this, people who take up the most space, people are out there in the world saying what's so, having the audacity to say things that sometimes don't even make sense. They're exposing themselves to rejection and exposing themselves to hate and exposing themselves to being vulnerable, because you don't know how people are going to respond to you. And that is the price of command. That price of doing it again and again and learning to command rooms and really learning how to command yourself so that you are choosing to do it consciously.
This is really the price, right? If you look at, you know sometimes we look at politicians or we look at celebrities, they have a big price that they're paying. They put music out in the world and you don't know if they're going to people are going to like it or not like it. So there's that exposure, there's that vulnerability. I wrote this song and I love it and people are like, they may love it or they may hate it. But your job as a leader and your job as a leader who wants to command more and more spaces is to focus on yourself and to focus on the importance of what you're putting out in the world and to know that it is natural and normal to have these feelings.
To feel like you might face rejection, to feel exposed, to be scared that people might hate you, right? And these things are going to happen, but you don't need to allow them to take up more space than they take up. You're like, it's a possibility. But it's kind of like when people are like, if I really show up as me and I'm super uber like successful, my friends are not going to be my friends or my family might not like me anymore. And really the question there is like, are you going to like yourself? Are you going to love yourself no matter what? Because that is also something that you need to learn how to do if you are going to command more spaces.
You need to have your own back, right? The reality is people are not always going to have your back, but you've got to have your own back. And if you're going to learn how to command spaces, that is part of what you need, right? The willingness to feel these emotions, but also the willingness to have your own back and take care of yourself, because that is what it's going to take to continue to fight that good fight and to be in it.
So I want you to notice for yourself, what would it take for you to take up that space? Because the reality is if people don't like you for how you're showing up more authentically with bigger capacity, with bigger power, with more success, then the reality is they only liked you for that version of yourself that was right there and then. They don't like you for the version of yourself that's expansive. And you get to decide, right?
What is most impactful for you? You have this one life. You have this ability to make life what you want it to be. Are you going to play it small and stay safe or are you going to expand and make more friends and have real authentic relationships with people who see you expanding and care about you and want you to do that? These are all choices, and I want you to be honest with yourself because if people think like, "Oh, I'm going to go command a space, especially a space that wasn't built for you, that was for all these men," and think that it's going to be a easy ride and that you're not going to feel exposed and you're not going to feel vulnerable, then it's just not the truth.
And I'm here in this podcast to tell women the truth. And the truth is, you know that most people think presence is about being polished, sounding confident, looking perfect. But presence isn't how you perform. It's how much discomfort you're willing to stay present for without shutting down or lashing out. Let me say this again. Presence isn't how you perform. It's how much discomfort you're willing to stay present for without shutting down or lashing out.
I remember there was a moment, I think I was in a leadership meeting and somebody kept saying my name wrong. I think I've probably shared this on the podcast before. I have a trigger. My name is Yann. I like people to say my name is Yann. I don't think it's too much to ask for people, right? And I don't get super triggered these days when people say my name wrong because I've worked it. But I remember in this meeting, somebody kept saying my name and I was totally confused because he kept saying it wrong until I realized, "Oh my God, he's saying my name." And I commanded the room and I said, "Hey, John, it's not Yan, it's Yann." And it might have sounded really sharp in the moment. I think people kind of woke up because it was kind of getting to be a sleepy meeting, you know?
But I was really proud of myself. You know, some people were a little bit probably a little scared, but at the same time I was like, I've exposed myself, I'm being vulnerable, I'm showing up, right, I'm taking up space. And people might not like that, but I liked that for me in that moment. It was growth for me and I was working on growing and taking command and being with myself as I took up more space, right? Did it feel uncomfortable? Yes. Of course it felt uncomfortable.
And this is the truth, right? If you are commanding more and more spaces, it's going to be uncomfortable, but you are going to expand your capacity and your capability to deal with that discomfort and still stay present. This is what leadership is. Your ability to expand your emotional capacity while still being present and grounded and giving yourself big room to make mistakes and to learn.
Let's talk about the four discomforts you must allow. Number one, rejection. Being cut off in meetings, your idea being dismissed. You've got to learn how to stay anchored and clear rather than spinning out and thinking that rejection means something crazy about you, that you don't belong, that this room wasn't ever meant for you, that other people have so much more power than you, right? You've got to watch your stories that you tell yourself. So when I used to get a cut off in meetings, yeah, there might be a drama and upset, but then I learned that, wow, other people are getting cut off too. This man's getting cut off as well. Wow, this guy's cutting off this other guy, right? I took it less personally. And I was like, look, somebody can cut me off and I can feel rejected, but I can still come back from that.
The last episode that you heard about coming back from cutoffs, right, is really about being grounded, feeling hurt and angry and still coming back. Rejection is part of it. People who expect it to be easy, people who expect that people are just going to love your idea, they're in for a long ride and it can lead to burnout because their expectations of what it takes to command rooms, to make this impact, right? If their thought is always like this is exhausting, this is too hard, it wasn't meant to be this hard, right? It can feel like just terrible if you feel like that, right, versus accepting, well, rejection's just part of it.
I'm a woman in this space, they've not seen it before. They don't know what it's like. They're rejecting what I'm saying. How do I come back from that? How do I not make it about me in the moment, make it about my leadership ability or my capabilities and make it more about me learning a skill to be seen and heard in a room? And if rejection comes, it comes. Most people have ideas and it's 50% rejected and 50% that's a brilliant idea, let's move it forward, right?
How do you stay in the game and continue to work on your skill of commanding the presence and commanding the spaces? I've been in rooms where my idea has gotten rejected, but I've had a commanding presence and I still felt like I was part of adding to the solution because when you can say no to things, you know what you want to say yes to, and it has more data for the rest of the room to understand. But if you think about the people who learn the most, they're the people that are willing to make mistakes to learn from it quickly.
And they're the people that are willing to be rejected or exposed. Again, exposure is another big thing, right? You're the only woman in the room. Of course you're going to feel exposed. Being the only woman, being the youngest woman, maybe being the only person of color, all eyes are on you. And you get to consciously choose visibility over hiding. You get to talk to yourself and say, "I'm going to allow this feeling of exposure because this is just what it is." And I'm still going to talk to myself in a way where I'm like, "You're meant to be here. You belong here. They need to hear your words and your leadership. You bring a unique perspective," right? That's the way to allow for exposure, but also be really clear about why you're in the room.
And the next one is hate. You may get hate. You're going to face criticism, especially if you're holding people accountable and you're actually calling out the truth. That team is not doing what they need to do. We need X, Y, and Z. We need to stop playing these games. We need to stop with the gossip and actually start getting work done. People are not going to like you. You might be told that you are the B word or they might tell you that you are coming on too strong or that you need to smile more. There is like criticism and it's not exactly hate, but there's going to be feedback.
And there are a lot of studies that show women get way more feedback on their personal style and their way of speaking than men do, right? And if you can accept that this is a thing, not accept that it's right, just accept that, okay, this happens and again, not make it mean that you're not supposed to be in the room, you can also zoom out and say, listen, these guys don't know what it's like for a woman leader to partner with them, to hold them accountable, and to say the truth. It could feel threatening to them. And so hate is a part of that.
Having people dislike you is a part of that. But again, if you allow it instead of try to suppress it and control it, then you have much more capacity to take care of yourself. You have much more capacity to see what lands well and what doesn't, and you have much more capacity to be back in the game versus feeling like, oh, somebody dislikes me or somebody doesn't like something about me and it's going to stop me, right? I'm going to go think about it for a week or two weeks.
I've had this too. People don't like my style. They didn't like the way I led. But what mattered to me is I liked it. And I also got data. What didn't they like? Oh, that's interesting. Do I want to do anything about it or not? But I'm not going to control how they feel and think about me, right? That is something that if I spent my time doing, I would be in burnout and I wouldn't be commanding spaces. I would be allowing other people's thoughts and opinions of me to stop me from learning this ability to command more and more spaces.
And the fourth one is vulnerability, speaking up when you're not 100% sure of the outcome, leading with honesty and not perfection. It's not about being perfect, it's not about being polished. I think a lot of times women think if they say it properly, if they say it calmly, if they come across very smooth or have a finesse about it. Yes, of course that's great. But if you're going to put that pedestal on you every single day, every single meeting, that's a lot of pressure and that will lead to burnout. Instead of allowing yourself to be vulnerable and knowing, hey, this is part of the game of showing up, giving yourself bandwidth to show up in a lot of different ways. I actually just had this with one of my clients.
She was so hard on herself. She said, "Oh my gosh, I went to my team meeting and I was so stern." She calls herself the B word. She showed up really with this like tight energy and she just afterwards judged the crap out of herself. And I said, "Listen, your staff has no idea what it is for you to be in your role, to have the pressure that you have, to command the spaces you have to command, to make the decisions you have to make." And so it makes sense that you showed up with a lot of anger, a lot of defensiveness, a lot of upset when they didn't like your idea and they wanted you to move forward, right? They're having their own emotions and their own thoughts about it.
And you need to give yourself grace and know that these are vulnerable spaces. And you can always clean things up later. Like you don't need to beat yourself up while you're doing all of these things because it takes a lot of energy and it takes a lot of commitment to have this capacity to command, to have this skill to command. And in doing that, she was able to give herself more grace, notice like what she actually wanted to do, and also to zoom out and see the bigger picture. It's not about performance and it's not about being perfect. It's again, it's how much discomfort you're willing to stay present for without shutting down or lashing out.
And she was present in that meeting and this is the price of commanding spaces, really learning how to expand your capacity to allow for rejection, exposure, hate or negative feedback or criticism and vulnerability. These are just part of, if you can accept that this is part of what it takes to command spaces, then you're going to be less hard on yourself and you're going to feel more of like, okay, this is the path. And I'm ready for it.
Because if you truly are ready to speak up in these high stakes moments and these meetings, then this is the price and your willingness and your bravery to pay this price is really awesome and is really admirable. A lot of women don't want to do this. A lot of women say, forget it, I want to go work somewhere else. I don't want to work in an environment that's hard. But there's a big why for you. There's a reason that you want to be heard and there's skill sets and leadership that's needed. So we just want to notice because that's a hidden trap.
If you don't allow rejection, exposure, vulnerability, even hate, what you could end up feeling is if I were truly confident, I wouldn't be rattled. So then you start criticizing yourself as you're learning this. And I want to share with you a concept of what I'm teaching my clients about the old game of performing for approval versus a new game. And this is the new game that I invite you all on with me and all of my clients on. The new game is really confidence isn't the absence of emotion. It's the decision to keep leading yourself through it.
So discomfort is part of the whole game and you've got to want to take in that discomfort and build your capacity for that discomfort if you are to win at this new game, if you are to command in spaces that literally were not built for you, that literally want to keep you out of it. So the old game is about avoiding rejection and exposure. It's about performing perfectly and so polished in order to earn respect. It's about beat up or feeling bad about being nervous or feeling uncomfortable. It's shrinking when being challenged. It's really you questioning your ability versus the new game that I want to invite all of you on and is the game that is going to allow you to lead in these male dominated spaces while still being able to advance without burnout.
This is the new game. It expects them as part of leadership. It expects challenges and discomfort. holds authority even in those uncomfortable moments. It accepts humanity and stays grounded. and it is really about you giving yourself power and approval before anyone else. The old game is waiting for other people to approve of you, to create safety for you. The new game is self-empowered leadership, is staying visible and grounded in yourself.
So, in order to really build this capacity, I want to offer you three usable steps. Number one, name the feeling. Is it rejection, exposure, vulnerability? What is it? Is it hate? Or what are you, what are you noticing that's happening to you that you feel scared about? And it's staying present to that. And then it's anchoring in your body, feeling your breath, right? Slowing down, feeling your breath, noticing your feet on the ground, slowing your pace down. You want to notice yourself when you're having these emotional moments or feeling uncomfortable. And then returning to this bigger new game. I'm here to lead, not to be liked. I'm here to lead, not to be liked. So that you pull yourself out of that old game of being liked and making sure everybody feels comfortable around you to this new game where, whoa, you feel uncomfortable, but you like yourself and you're learning to be proud of yourself and you're learning to command spaces again that were not built for you.
All right, that was a lot in this episode, but I really wanted you to have this episode because when I had shared this at the workshop, it really hit a chord with the women and I know it's going to hit a chord with you. The price of command, the price of learning to have a commanding presence is truly rejection, exposure, hate, and vulnerability. The more you can allow yourself to expand your capacity, your window of tolerance for these emotions that will come up, that will come your way, the more you are going to lead yourself and command yourself and the quicker you are going to have this commanding presence because you're going to be like, this is part of it. It's like I'm signing up for a marathon, it's going to be hard. I'm going to have aches and pains. It's going to take a lot of dedication. It's going to take a lot of commitment.
It's the same for you. If you want to command in these spaces again that were not built for you, then you need to allow for this and know that this is part of the journey. It's not the end game, it's just part of the journey. Commanding presence isn't about having no fear. It's about deciding ahead of time that you can hold yourself in the fire. This week, when you feel dismissed, exposed, judged, pause and tell yourself, I can allow this, I can lead anyway. That's the muscle that will make you undeniable.
All right, friends, I hope you got a lot out of this episode. Listen to it again, let it sit and sink in, especially in those moments when you start beating yourself up or judging yourself. There's a high price to command and you are more than capable of paying that price and how worth it is for you to change the face and feel of leadership forever and for you to show up as a type of leader that can command in these spaces. All right, I will see you next week. Have a beautiful week.
Thank you for being a part of The Balanced Leader community. We hope you found today's episode inspiring and actionable. For more resources and to connect with Yann, visit us at aspire-coaching.co. Until next time, keep leading with confidence and purpose.
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