Cultural beliefs collide with desires to be a mom

This is me, last year, pregnant with my first child at 39!

I recently spoke to a female friend that wanted to know what the journey to motherhood has been like for me. I shared honestly that it’s taken me a long time to feel 100% sure I wanted to have a baby.

Part of me always loved babies. When I was 6, I remember begging my mom to let me babysit my baby cousin. I remember changing his diaper, playing and simply adoring him. Fast forward, to my 30s where I was in the question of whether motherhood was for me. I didn’t feel comfortable with it. At first, I wasn’t sure why. After digging deeper within myself, I realized I did not want to sacrifice my dreams and ambition by having a baby. I saw many women in my family do this and I knew it was both out of love and a deep seeded cultural belief. I am grateful for their sacrifices as it has contributed to my growth but I also knew it came at a high cost. A cost, I was unwilling to pay.

A big part of Asian culture is self-sacrifice, especially for your family. Giving up parts of yourself and your needs to be part of the family. It is something I love about the Asian community – the deep commitment one has to one’s family. However, I put so much pressure on myself to succeed and provide for my family. I had gotten to the point where I wasn’t sure if I was helping my family out of cultural obligation or if I truly wanted to do it. At times I questioned whether I was just on auto-pilot are really wanted to make the choices I was making. This pattern of self-sacrifice motivated me and even helped me climb the corporate ladder quickly but it did not serve me in wanting to create a family of my own. I knew I needed to let go of this pattern in order to be the mom and woman I wanted to be.

This self-sacrificing mentality in my mind was all or nothing. Instead, I wanted a world where my needs and wants were just as important as my baby’s. I wanted to model a new belief system where there is love and care without the need to self-sacrifice. This cultural belief is so ingrained within me that when I am stressed the pattern kicks into gear again but now, I have the ability to pause and ask myself what’s best for me. Like the saying goes “if mama ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy.” I want my daughter to learn how to put her needs and wants first while also valuing and loving her family at the same time.

Do you have an ingrained cultural belief that is no longer serving you?

Are you giving up parts of your dream to belong?

Learn to discern between what patterns serve you now and those that do not. Once you unearth these, you can consciously create more meaning and impact in your life.